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Guest Becca Crush

Controlling myself

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Guest Becca Crush

I dont know if most of you know this about me...

I used to have a diagnosed eating disorder. It's called binge eating disorder and it caused me to binge crazy amounts of food, hide it from my boyfriend at the time, and it was out of control. I went from 140ish to 250ish within a year or so and finally took control, got myself help, and lost all the weight (give or take 20 pounds) and had control over my eating habits once again. 

Im sure you guys all know I found my husband (soon to be ex) looking at girls gaining weight on youtube so i decided to embrace it and gain for him. 

Fast forward to now...

I keep half assed thinking "I'll lose some weight now.  He isnt in the picture wanting me to gain so I should lose some weight, get healthier, be more 'dateable' and put it all behind me.

And then It hit me... my eating disorder is back.  So where is the line? Where is the line between disordered eating and fetish fun. Yesterdsy my dinner was enough calories for a whole day and then some...and that doesnt include lunch or breakfast. 

Give me some truth here.  I love eating. I love a lot of the parts of gaining. I didnt even realize this was a thing though until more recently when I caught the youtube searches.  

Is this a scary eating disorder coming back? Is this normal to feel this way? Maybe this thread makes me "less sexy" now but it's some cold hard truth that I am having trouble working with myself about.  

I'm an out of control eater. And now I dont have someone willing to feed me until I just cant eat anymore-just to feed me another bite.  

And fu*k. That hits hard. 

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Guest Becca Crush

I should add... I am comfortable with my body now.  I am not ashamed of it. I find myself sexy... I find girls on here sexy.. I find random big girls in public sexy. It's not that I dont feel sexy. 

It's more of how scary it is for me to take a step back and realize that this IS my life now.  This isnt something i CAN stop at anytime. Its overtaken me once again and I literally just want to eat and eat and eat. Should I be *able to* stop at anytime? What if its killing me? Will I be able to stop? At this point, the answer is no.  

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Guest Mikeyp37

Becca you are gorgeous and if eating makes you happy carry on I love food and tried to eat less for a few days which I hated. I used to be so worried what others think but now I do what makes me happy. I’m the same as you actually like being bigger. 

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Hmm. 

This is a very taxing fetish. Financially. Physically. Mentally. Socially. Whatever.

Having someone close to you, who supports you and is "in the shit" with you, that's huge. It's something that you will probably miss having, regardless as to whether you have an eating disorder. 

 

So. 

 

Is it normal to feel that way? Yes. As an ex-gainer myself, I recall being in a similar situation. I think for most people, this "wall" hits you in the 200s, where you ask yourself of you want to change or not. I assume there are more of these same walls as your weight goes up. 

 

With your disorder, and nobody around to support the lifestyle that it enforces, i can't advise continuing, if thats what you're asking. If you side with your disorder instead of healthier behavior, it can (easily, and often does) lead to an unstable and unfulfilling lifestyle. It is a disorder after all...

 

There are two caveats here, however.

1. People can make healthy choices and still be unhappy

2. You wont know until you try.

 

Also, if I may...You're asking advice for advice on a website full of horny guys. I know you know that, not criticizing, just giving you a heads up (pun intended I guess?).

 

Some of us know when to be serious, but please watch out for people that are thinking with their genitals and not their brain. Men are shit like that.

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Guest Becca Crush
2 minutes ago, JesusofSuburbia said:

 

Some of us know when to be serious, but please watch out for people that are thinking with their genitals and not their brain. Men are shit like that.

Its a good thing I love shitty horny guys hahaha.  

I know I'm asking this in the "wrong" place... but where else do you ask it? Lol. 

I am worried about myself... I never had a goal but I didnt Intend or want to be more than say, 325ish.  I didnt know what that number looked like on me or felt like but I do have kids and need to be able to keep up and care for them. I dont want to stop living just to eat.  I'd like to do both. Eating should be enjoyable i think whether or not you are intentionally gaining.  

I worry about myself because when someone in my family tells me I'm too fat i get mad and eat more. With an actual partner, they have a different way of going about it since they live with you- if that makes sense.  Also, I am scared that this wont be as fun anymore if I have no one to share it with. I may end up fat and unhappy rather than fat and happy.  I wont know until I try it I guess. But it helps to put my thoughts out there.  

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Guest Becca Crush

Just waiting on @Chevalier to put his thoughts in here ... he has a way with words 😂😍

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I dont disagree with any of that. 

 

Also, I dont think youre asking in the wrong place, you're right, where else do you ask this sort of thing? I was mostly jwarning you that some of these responses might not be particularly thoughtful. 

 

 

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Hi,.I have a very intimate friendship with a woman who is in recovery from bulimia.  She is short, strong, thick, and very beautiful.  She has struggled with body image issues since adolescence.  Ours has been an interesting friendship.  She lives in mortal fear of getting extremely obese like most of the other members of her large half German/half Mexican family.  I am a guy with a fat fetish and a lifelong fascination with weight gain.  

I did a lot of reading about ED recovery in order to support my friend.  I would strongly recommend a book titled Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen  I would also recommend Health At Every Size by Linda Bacon.

I think it is fine to be moderately fat and reasonably healthy. I think it is great to enjoy food and take pleasure in eating.  I think being compulsive and out of control about any behavior is not healthy and is not a recipe for long term happiness. 

Finding a happy medium is key.  You don't need to be stick thin to be sexy or healthy.  You don't need to get sucked into diet culture.  But consistently eating beyond fullness and feeling unable to stop is something to be concerned about.  EDs are really tricky and sneaky.  I would be happy to refer you to other resources if you are interested. Also happy to chat further if you think it would be helpful.  I wish you the very best.

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Guest Influx

Hi! I'm so happy you posted this, because if you're concerned it's out of control then it's important to seek help and support.

First of all, go back and get re-diagnosed. It's worth speaking to a professional again, and seeking help.

Second, I think you hit the nail right on the head by saying that you can't stop. Fetish is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, and in the case of weight gain yeah you'll gain weight and be happy about it. But you should be able to put aside the fetish when needed and live a normal life. This is something many people have trouble with, especially in relationships where people have a habit of putting fetish before an actual, meaningful relationship. So the question that seems most important to me is: with your day's worth of calories dinner, was it fun or was it a painful need? Or was it even a mix of both? It really comes down to your ability to enjoy, rather than being a slave to a disorder.

Is having the disorder good for climbing up in weight? Of course, and it can even feel awesome if you do want to get plenty fat. But in this case it's truly about the means and not the end. If you feel you're in a cycle of pain and feel forced to overeat all the time, then that could be a problem you need to address.

Can I suggest something that may be really hard as well? If you talk to a therapist about this, mention your fetish. Yeah, that's super scary to do, but mention how it makes this a struggle. Mention how you generally enjoy the fetish and the results, but are scared about the disorder being dominating. The right therapist might be able to help you strike a balance, where the fetish is actually a positive outlet.

I hope this helps, and feel free to reach out directly if you want to talk. Take care :)

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Guest Becca Crush
6 minutes ago, Influx said:

Hi! I'm so happy you posted this, because if you're concerned it's out of control then it's important to seek help and support.

First of all, go back and get re-diagnosed. It's worth speaking to a professional again, and seeking help.

Second, I think you hit the nail right on the head by saying that you can't stop. Fetish is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, and in the case of weight gain yeah you'll gain weight and be happy about it. But you should be able to put aside the fetish when needed and live a normal life. This is something many people have trouble with, especially in relationships where people have a habit of putting fetish before an actual, meaningful relationship. So the question that seems most important to me is: with your day's worth of calories dinner, was it fun or was it a painful need? Or was it even a mix of both? It really comes down to your ability to enjoy, rather than being a slave to a disorder.

Is having the disorder good for climbing up in weight? Of course, and it can even feel awesome if you do want to get plenty fat. But in this case it's truly about the means and not the end. If you feel you're in a cycle of pain and feel forced to overeat all the time, then that could be a problem you need to address.

Can I suggest something that may be really hard as well? If you talk to a therapist about this, mention your fetish. Yeah, that's super scary to do, but mention how it makes this a struggle. Mention how you generally enjoy the fetish and the results, but are scared about the disorder being dominating. The right therapist might be able to help you strike a balance, where the fetish is actually a positive outlet.

I hope this helps, and feel free to reach out directly if you want to talk. Take care :)

This was an amazing response! Thank you! You're very right! 

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Guest Becca Crush
14 minutes ago, litmus said:

Hi,.I have a very intimate friendship with a woman who is in recovery from bulimia.  She is short, strong, thick, and very beautiful.  She has struggled with body image issues since adolescence.  Ours has been an interesting friendship.  She lives in mortal fear of getting extremely obese like most of the other members of her large half German/half Mexican family.  I am a guy with a fat fetish and a lifelong fascination with weight gain.  

I did a lot of reading about ED recovery in order to support my friend.  I would strongly recommend a book titled Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen  I would also recommend Health At Every Size by Linda Bacon.

I think it is fine to be moderately fat and reasonably healthy. I think it is great to enjoy food and take pleasure in eating.  I think being compulsive and out of control about any behavior is not healthy and is not a recipe for long term happiness. 

Finding a happy medium is key.  You don't need to be stick thin to be sexy or healthy.  You don't need to get sucked into diet culture.  But consistently eating beyond fullness and feeling unable to stop is something to be concerned about.  EDs are really tricky and sneaky.  I would be happy to refer you to other resources if you are interested. Also happy to chat further if you think it would be helpful.  I wish you the very best.

I'll check these books out, thank you! 

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15 minutes ago, litmus said:

 

I did a lot of reading about ED recovery in order to support my friend.  I would strongly recommend a book titled Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen  I would also recommend Health At Every Size by Linda Bacon.

I second Health at Every Size! I'm in a few Facebook groups for HAES ans they are for the most part, very helpful.

I had anorexia followed by bulimia for many years in my teens. It's taken me a long time to fully shake all of the disordered thoughts. Becoming a feedee has actually helped my healing a lot and now I feel like i have a much better relationship with food and most of all with my body.

If you are feeling out of control, or say that's your ED not your fetish talking. Fetish play should be fun, if its not then I would say that it's probably crossing over into disordered eating.

My husband doesnt have this fetish so all ny feedee fun has been on my own and I have still had an immensely enjoyable experience gaining. Best of luck to you ❤

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Guest Becca Crush
Just now, Floralfeedee said:

I second Health at Every Size! I'm in a few Facebook groups for HAES ans they are for the most part, very helpful.

I had anorexia followed by bulimia for many years in my teens. It's taken me a long time to fully shake all of the disordered thoughts. Becoming a feedee has actually helped my healing a lot and now I feel like i have a much better relationship with food and most of all with my body.

If you are feeling out of control, or say that's your ED not your fetish talking. Fetish play should be fun, if its not then I would say that it's probably crossing over into disordered eating.

My husband doesnt have this fetish so all ny feedee fun has been on my own and I have still had an immensely enjoyable experience gaining. Best of luck to you ❤

That's my fear! This is no longer fetish but disorder. 

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2 hours ago, Becca Crush said:

Just waiting on @Chevalier to put his thoughts in here ... he has a way with words 😂😍

Thanks. I know I posted on another board this is a commitment issue 😂 but seriously eat as a group and compare bellies. It's fun. Or go seltzer and low cal stuff to feel bloated. I see it like wrestling and selling the fetish is a lot healthier than always living it, and it loses its special appeal to me if stuffing every day.

Maybe open up and see who can uplift you, I don't know your interest with me so I want to contain myself. I don't know if you like lifting weights but that could be a fun surprise too, to fuel all that effort.

Also posted similarly here but my words aren't exactly polite though I know I'm correct.

 

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For what it's worth, the only one who can have your best interests at heart is you. If you feel you are slipping back into a disorder, especially at a fragile time in your life, it would be best to assess what is fantasy, what is reality, and where your limit is on the two. I would recommend taking a step back from the fetish, as much as we all love having you gain, maybe some time of self reflection and ultimately professional council isn't the worst way to go in order to put your mental and physical well being first. Again, it's just my two cents, and you are the best judge of what course of action you want to take. One thing that is for certain is that the members of this site love having you around in any capacity, and most would support any decision you make for your own best interests. I hope this helps!

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Another option would be to continue what you are doing for a week and then Stop for a week and see how you feel. If you can't stop for a week then you have confirmation its out of control and you should seek help. If you can then it could mean you have gained control of your eatting habits.

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Guest Becca Crush
19 minutes ago, oatmeal said:

Another option would be to continue what you are doing for a week and then Stop for a week and see how you feel. If you can't stop for a week then you have confirmation its out of control and you should seek help. If you can then it could mean you have gained control of your eatting habits.

That's a great idea! 

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Hi, I applaud your share here and hope it stimulates lots of introspection so we can all get to know ourselves better. Very brave.

I love that you are reaching out and hope that in your RL you are doing the same. This is a huge time of transition for you with lots of unknown moving parts.

I would love to think you are getting your "support team" together. Also, the "professional" idea is a good one - someone on your side and the opportunity to set aside a little time each week where it is all about you, on purpose, with the goal of supporting your best self.

I'm going today to meet mine and it has proven invaluable in negotiating this period of my life.

The mind is amazing and we are fully capable of feeling limited and unable to change, but we can. It's almost like being so scared that we can't that our limitations get amplified.

There are a number of self-help programs where today, you can have people calling and helping even this afternoon. Just being able to stop for a moment, not forever, can be a great relief. It may only take a week or two and things will be better.

What you are going through is huge and you don't have to deal with it alone.

 

 

 

 

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I don't know if I have anything super original to add, but I would agree that if the amount your eating feels more like a burden than something you enjoy, that is likely not a good sign. I know that compulsion and lack of self-control is kind of the dirty talk of the fetish, but I think it's sort of similar to, say, BDSM where the submissive gives up all illusions of power and control for play, but in a healthy relationship the submissive has ultimate say of when to stop and a good dom listens, if that makes any sense.

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It’s really an interesting topic and the responses on this thread so far have been pretty good, IMO.

Its hard to know if you are out of control without knowing the frequency of your food intake? Are you talking about round the clock eating? Grazing? Or just one binge per day? What’s a typical day of food like when you feel out of control?

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I'm certainly no expert, but I do think (as someone already pointed out) the MAIN issue here is the "lack of control" part.  I think people always like feeling like they're in control of their decisions, no matter what they are. When you realize you can't stop doing something, EVEN if you want to stop -- that's the scary/addiction component that you need to address.

Personally, as much as the weight-gain/feeding stuff is a turn-on to me seeing a female partner involved in it? I *also* think it's reasonable to set goals and to be able to say, "Cool.... I reached this specific weight I was shooting for. And I have a pretty good idea how much I can eat/need to eat to maintain it without gaining a lot more. I'm gonna do that to stay in this zone of my success and be happy with it!"

I mean, I can't speak for everybody, but in my experiences at least? Almost everyone I've encountered tends to gain weight until they "plateau" at various points. Then, it takes some intentional effort to change eating habits in some way to go past that and continue gaining more. So, I think the healthiest/happiest way to go about this stuff is to #1, decide roughly how big you want to be, and then #2, to not fight it and be content when the gain seems to slow down and stop, someplace around that goal. There are definitely some people in this "community" who just want to gain "as much as I can!" and are only concerned with eating as much as possible, at every opportunity. THAT is not going to be a recipe for having a happy life, though, because you're ignoring your own body's signals. Your body's going to do all kinds of things like give you bad cases of heartburn, or give you new aches and pains, or ?? Signs that say, "Hey... you've gone beyond where things are comfortable. Slow down and get used to size X here a while instead of rushing to reach size Y."

I'd say you probably want to work on such things as "spite eating" every time a family member complains about your weight.  You have to stop and think if that's really the best response for those feelings. Will it gets you closer to being happy about your life?  If not, then it's not the best solution.

But yeah, definitely -- as long as you're happy in your own skin and people can see that natural confidence? You'll always be able to meet guys who find you attractive and would like to date you. That's the real key to all of this stuff, more than the B.S. you hear out in the general public that "people only find you attractive if you're thin" or whatever.

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