To date or not to date?

[ChubbyCupcake CLIPS]

Can you date outside of the community? 

Is it possible to find love with someone who does/doesn't share the same kink as you. 

 

Now recently I've started to want to date again. It's been a while...and I've had some, what you may call. Experiences. Especially dating in the community, but also dating outside. I feel if I try to date outside, people dont understand and almost look at me as though I'm crazy for liking what I like. Or if I date in the community, I am simply a body - not a human. Soooooo, has anyone else had any experiences with this? I mean, dont get me wrong, I've given the two most extreme cases there. That doesnt always happen... but after having a conversation with a friend from another site the other day. He said that he would never date in the community and always outside. I asked why. He said he would see the person as an object too much. So it just got me thinking...

 

Thoughts?

[Guest ukfeedee97]

Its all very subjective...it kind of shows you the type of person someone is if they would openly admit to just seeing you as an object. Relationships are for love and care, regardless of kinks and fetishes. Yes this fetish is a lifestyle but so is being into fitness or sport (a bit different I know bedore people call me stupid! 😂) or being into BDSM. There are plenty of healthy, functioning relationships/marriages etc out there living out fetishes where both parties still view each other as humans and not, as you say, an "object" for self/mutual pleasure and satisfaction.

 

Sorry for the small response I would love to write more but am time restricted on a break 😂. Could go on regarding personal experiences too if you want on private chat etc? 

 

Hope I dont come across as rushed or arrogant, its hard to formulate the way you would express something on here!! 

 

Also, my opinions are aren't the be all and end all its a very short response I do apologise again!!

 

All the best.

[CFH]

TLDR: Yeah I think you can date outside of the community and be happy, but, you need to make sure you are happy and satisfied in a relationship where the other person may not share/understand your kink.

(this is all personal opinion and most probably rambling bullshit but here we go)This is a tricky one. Having done both it is easier from the get go when you share the same kink as your partner, it is something deeply inherent within you both that you share and allows you the opportunity to explore with each other. What you do run the risk of, to echo what your friend said, is that you see each other as bodies or objects to satisfy your kink and all the other parts of a relationship fall away. Whilst sex is obviously very important, its all the other stuff that makes a relationship what it is and there's a risk that all that stuff falls away. Now, that doesn't and won't always happen, but it is something that should be taken into account. I think the key thing for a relationship based in the community is the understanding that you and/or your partner aren't always going to be 'on', which can be somewhat tricky to navigate. There's also the fact that it reduces the 'dating pool' somewhat and long distance relationships become an option, which can work for some people and not others.

Dating outside of the community with someone who doesn't share your kink is kind of the reverse problem. All the other stuff is there but the sex may (I can't emphasise may enough here) suffer. I think taking time to explain what you like and ensuring the other person is comfortable is key, if they're not responsive or actively dislike what you like thats when you need to weigh up whether all the other aspects of the relationship are better than not having a shared kink. It is definitely possible to find love and have a happy relationship though so don't let that put you off. You're obviously a beautiful woman with a fantastic personality so that is what people will see, the rest of it will figure itself out in time.

[Guest ukfeedee97]

3 hours ago, CFH said:

TLDR: Yeah I think you can date outside of the community and be happy, but, you need to make sure you are happy and satisfied in a relationship where the other person may not share/understand your kink.

(this is all personal opinion and most probably rambling bullshit but here we go)This is a tricky one. Having done both it is easier from the get go when you share the same kink as your partner, it is something deeply inherent within you both that you share and allows you the opportunity to explore with each other. What you do run the risk of, to echo what your friend said, is that you see each other as bodies or objects to satisfy your kink and all the other parts of a relationship fall away. Whilst sex is obviously very important, its all the other stuff that makes a relationship what it is and there's a risk that all that stuff falls away. Now, that doesn't and won't always happen, but it is something that should be taken into account. I think the key thing for a relationship based in the community is the understanding that you and/or your partner aren't always going to be 'on', which can be somewhat tricky to navigate. There's also the fact that it reduces the 'dating pool' somewhat and long distance relationships become an option, which can work for some people and not others.

Dating outside of the community with someone who doesn't share your kink is kind of the reverse problem. All the other stuff is there but the sex may (I can't emphasise may enough here) suffer. I think taking time to explain what you like and ensuring the other person is comfortable is key, if they're not responsive or actively dislike what you like thats when you need to weigh up whether all the other aspects of the relationship are better than not having a shared kink. It is definitely possible to find love and have a happy relationship though so don't let that put you off. You're obviously a beautiful woman with a fantastic personality so that is what people will see, the rest of it will figure itself out in time.

This most definitely a better response to follow lol. Nice one, summed it up perfectly. 👌

[CFH]

1 hour ago, ukfeedee97 said:

This most definitely a better response to follow lol. Nice one, summed it up perfectly. 👌

Haha thanks! 

[Guest chubbyramonaflowers]

Maybe an unpopular opinion but it is my opinion but I've never seen sex as an important part of a relationship, I could happily be in a relationship that was entirely sexless. I do enjoy sex though, it's like red meat, I could live without it but if someone bought me a cheeseburger, I would eat it.
 but I do still feel the same tear as you mentioned because it's the difference between being understood and being 'put up with'. I was in a very short relationship a couple months back with a guy who wasn't in this scene and he said he was completely fine with my body and loved that I was confidence and the way I was as a person and my hobbies but after maybe a month, he would say things like "should you be eating that, are you really not going to lose weight, don't you think you shouldn't be doing this thing (he knew I did and liked) and do this form of exercise (I never did nor liked).  I had a ex girlfriend a few years back who claimed to be a FA (despite me being the only fat person they dated) attempt to put me on a diet after a month or so. 
So I'm very sceptical that a a lot (not all) of folks who date fat people are waiting for them to lose weight.
On the other side of the coin though for feedism, I had someone I was in a relationship with say "One of the reasons I'm still with you is because you're fat" and oh boy did that fuck me up. I've also had a lot of men and women say similar things like "oh you're the biggest girls I've been with" or "I've been with a woman this size, so you're no problem" which kinda makes me feel like I'm just an achievement. 

Anyway, long rant short; if I had to pick between someone in the scene or not, I would pick someone in the scene because I would rather have someone understand that side of me and enjoy it along side me than not understand it and feel like I either have to stop this side of me or put a partner in a situation they're clearly not comfortable with.

[ChubbyCupcake CLIPS]

I am speechless.

 

I live for discussions like this. It’s so interesting to hear such amazing points of view. 

I’ve had some terrible and some amazing experiences and I think it makes us who we are. I’m still trying to get my head around whether it means dating again within the scene or not. 

Loving the responses though 👏

[Guest ukfeedee97]

I do apologise that I couldnt offer a more in depth point of view!

Sorry to hear you have had such terrible experiences, but I guess thats how we learn and grow!

[Dr. Feeder]

I wouldn't make any hard-and-fast rules about it. There is a problem that a guy you meet on here just views you as a fetishistic object but that could happen outside the community as well! 

Dating is mostly figuring out whether the other person is right for you. 

 

[DDSantos]

I know dating within the community can seem hard when partners objectify you as part of your sexual fetish, but think of this as part of the weeding out process.  There is absolutely someone out there for you - but maybe you haven't met them yet. If your partners show that side of themselves and don't connect with you more than just on a superficial, looks-based level, are those people you're really going to want to be committed to long term anyway? 

Also, is it important to you to have the kink be a mutually acted upon day-to-day thing?  I don't think you should hide it from a partner, but if they're neutral to it you can still have a wonderful, fruitful relationship with someone while still satisfying your own needs.  And as many of us will tell you, sometimes these things develop into more over time with the intimacy that a relationship will bring.  My last steady and I had different kinks that we weren't really willing to act on with each other fully (s/m; feedism respectively), but as things became more 'relaxed' as time went on we were willing to give aspects of each a chance.

But yeah, don't write off dating in the community entirely just because online dating on kink sites can be full of weirdos difficult.  If the right person happens to be part of the community, that's great, but don't let something good pass you by because you're assuming it'll fail before it starts.

[light1981]

My wife was into this fetish, she gained for me and helped me gain.  Then ovarian cancer was discovered, she made a full recovery thank goodness, but the hysterectomy has killed everything. No sex (like someone else posted, it would be nice to have that sometime but it's not the end of the world for us) and currently no interest in the fat world. She allows me here and on other sites to keep this important part of my life going, but knows that I'm not here to find another girl. She sadly needs to lose weight now for health reasons, which sucks but I'd much rather see her happy. She sometimes comments on my gains as being positive and other times dismisses it as "it's your body". 

Im not sure what the future will bring, but I know it will be with her (and hopefully my weight will be bigger than she was at her biggest!) 

[Chevalier]

It really isn't difficult at all.  Role plays and emotional spikes help bring things up to speed.  Though I feel that's foreign in the community.

I'm a lot happier these days as I have a good audience and new, beautiful thoughts, rather than inherit stale air waiting for the dustball/tumbleweed to roll while I water plants and get no growth.

And regarding the bit about objectification as people talk about, should be upfront and treated like a contract, cancelling the moment there's unfulfillment, rather than beg to stay as it's null and void.

On 9/27/2019 at 6:27 AM, ukfeedee97 said:

Relationships are for love and care, regardless of kinks and fetishes.

Survival sex lol. Just glad I'm wiser to see that there's just so many mechanical/artificial things to do (logistics, financial exchange, knowing when to wait rather than sound desperate, and of course a good pullout game to filter ghosts and those who aren't certain they want you), rather than think people magically come together.

[pet sounds]

If I may say so, I don't know why anyone would think an FA would objectify a lover any more than any other person. Guys who like skinny women certainly can objectify them. I think the key, as in any relationship, is to find somebody who is attracted to you (and vice versa), but also shares your values, hopes and some of your interests. 

Despite our particular tastes in this community, I think most of us know the difference between our fantasy lives and real life. (There's a time and place for both.) And I think most of us want satisfying and non-shallow relationships. There are shallow people and sincere people inside and outside our community. Good luck!