A look back

[serendipity]

I came across this which I posted in March 2008 - brought back some interesting and familiar feelings. Apologies for the purple prose, I think I originally wrote this for myself as a 'stream of consciousness' which I then posted.

“Then you find that feeling just won`t go away

You`re holding on to every thing so tightly

Till there`s nothing left for you anyway

Goodbye”

Sabbaticals. Despite being one of ‘old guard’ here on the forums, from time to time I found a little time out was required. I never knew when the urge to leave would hit, or for how long I would be gone. Due to this my absences could last days, weeks but usually months. My most recent foray out of this world was the longest yet and for a time it seemed I might not return. The very fact I was considering not returning both delighted and disturbed me, but why did I feel this way?

“That this longing for you follows wherever I go

In the roaring traffic gloom

In the silence of my lonely room”

Curvage is a drug. It starts off with a toe in the water and then progresses to near obsession. Surrounded by pictures, video, conversations it is a multimedia whirlwind and social island. Sometimes there are arguments, sometimes agreements all in this framework of mutual interest. It cycles round: same pictures, same arguments. It grows tiresome and suffocating. Changing names and a torrent of new posts absorb so much time that keeping track of it becomes almost impossible. Languid acceptance of the hierarchy seems to creep in, and new ideas or controversial notions are stifled.

This forum sometimes seemed to have a ‘group think’ mentality despite the range of characters and sometimes I felt subconsciously influenced by others’ opinions. Did I really believe the things I was saying, feeling, and thinking? Getting away to dream it all up again seemed to be the answer, but I couldn’t follow it through due to my fear of missing some development in ongoing topics. As my workload at university became heavier I found I hadn’t been on for a few days. Days turned to weeks, sun turned to rain. Despite my enormous interest in the ‘scene’ I didn’t miss it a bit. The lack of conversation with likeminded individuals occasionally caused me to feel isolated, but otherwise I was free as a bird.

“Been down one time

Been down two times

I'm never going back again”

My beliefs, preferences and ideals began to look on shaky ground. Away from the cosseting words of the forum, reality took me back as one of its own. Where superficiality is just as prevalent but through a mirror. The pressure on Curvage to like larger women dissipated and I found my head turned by the thin and slim girls I had favoured in my past. I have always felt slightly ostracised by some on the forum due to my openly praising girls at the bottom end of the spectrum, as well as my admission I am not comfortable or confident with my status as an FA. My acceptance of larger girls still remains a secret to all but one, and even with that person I am uncomfortable.

As time went on it seemed I would never return, but I realised I was suppressing one side of my personality at the expense of the other. Fat vs Thin – the eternal debate in my head. Balance....... life is all about balance and to get that I needed the perspective my time away was giving me. Pretty quickly however, my brain imploded due to the complexities of having two diametrically opposed personalities.

“You have no right to ask me how I feel

You have no right to speak to me so kind

We can’t go on just holding on to time

Now that we’re living separate lives”

Reality, desire and fiction became blurred as my emotional and mental walls collapsed. I was confused and felt trapped both on Curvage and out of it, so what was I to do? Truthfully I still don’t know, which is why I am back here. I lusted for the defined and sculpted shape of the slim woman, delicate and elegant. Yet I still desired the indulgent softness of the serendipitous ladies; their visual form ripe with possibility and dramatic curves. Is this a false dichotomy? The question revolved around my head – why must I choose? Yet I felt deep inside me that I would be unhappy with both outcomes, the internal strife assuring me of that.

“Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions

I keep my visions to myself

It’s only me”

Serendipitous. Blessing and a curse having a female form named after me. Named because of my preference for them, naturally. I still like serendipitous girls, but I also like smaller ladies and crucially – larger ones too. Yet I felt guilty for admitting this, as though I were betraying my own. Was this a function of the forum, tempting me to larger treats? Initially I thought so until I came to the realisation it was a lot more complex, depending on the individual and sheer greedy desire to enact change. Is this why weight-gain is attractive; the notion of something changing? The fear it might look better or worse? Potent and scary yet I felt it pulling at me, this selfish desire. Truthfully it doesn’t sit well with me and I find the idea terrifying and appalling that I could want someone to change to indulge my desires. I have a real problem with enjoying myself – I gain enjoyment from other’s happiness, so is that why I seemed mal-adjusted? I can’t deny the reality unfortunately; merely suppress it – which I am content to do until I reach a true breaking point.

“She's elliptical

Also political

All so spiritual

Not superficial

Yeah, she's tropical

Yes, she's illogical

Those little girls are a pest

Big girls are the best”

So now I am back and not the same as before. More open minded yet full of suppressed desire. Why am I here? I don’t know, looking for a sound to drown out the world. These voices inside my head are asking questions to which I have no answers.... and if I do have answers I am terrified they are the wrong ones. Why do I find reconciling my different sides so difficult? Am I so scared of the man in the mirror? Will time help me or do I need to take proactive decisions to overcome my demons? I thought Curvage would help me become one with myself but in truth it has only served to divide me further. Like continents drifting apart, I wonder if it is possible to stop or whether I will be consigned to a life of hellish secrecy and suppressed feelings. So why am I back here if it divides me? Because I still need to explore this side of me, even if it takes place on this suffocating and liberating little piece of cyberspace. If I could only frame my notions without suppressing one of my alter-egos, perhaps I could reach some kind of resolution.

 

“Now I lay me down to sleep

In this enemy bed

Tomorrow morning I will wake up

Hurtin' from the things we said

One thing leads to another

But I guess you know about that”

Serendipity, confused FA (8 years and counting)

[KFD]

Thanks for sharing!

KFD

[Guest Saphira]

Interesting point!

I may apologyse for my English, I am not a native speaker.

We all need a break from this hole thing. This is a fetish site, a fetish is a TABU, so by social imposition, this is a wrong thing.

We have two kind of people here, one group of people concerned about life in general, and another group of people that just want to have fun, see pics, watch videos and talk "shit-chat" (does it write like that??).

I am not judging, each one takes the best pleasure of places like this on their own way ... The first group talks about health matters, the second one just dont care ....for example ....again, I am not judging, I am just reporting this behavior here and all FA sites I ever saw ...

So, here it comes... When this becomes a fetish, not a taste, and when people always pushes for more you create pressure .... Possibily the pressure you are feeling, and you know this pressure isn't a thing completely right.... So, you are a guy that likes CURVES on a lady, not a 200 or 300 lbs woman .... Oh, that's natural ..... (again, nothing against big woman)... But people here push you to more and more .....than you think with yourself: "I dont like that much, whats wrong with me?" .... NOTHING !!!!

This thing that MORE and MORE is annoying !!!!

I understand you completely ..... I love a chubby guy ....I love to see a man gainning some weight, but, just a little, and honestly, I would never ask for a BF or husband to be ALWAYS fattening !!! Thats the point!!! There is a safe limit that possibly your consciousness is telling you .... Life is not just fattening, or fat .... And thats the point! We are HUMANS !!! not pigs or cows .... Yes, I admit, I love my curves, and adding some more fat to them was very fun ... But, ok, I wont go ON and ON ....I might die, get a heart condition or have true problems ..... so, this is the bad face of the fetish ...... and there is another thing:

Why is a fetish??? Why can't it just be a taste ??? I like chubby guys. and final DOT ..... I feel this is the problem ..... pressure for more and more ..... But, honestly, this is a sign of our days ....we live on hurry, we want more and faster .... and that's why sometimes it bothers me ....

I disappeared from time to time cause, I start to think if I am a freak!  And I don't think so  .... I am just a woman that loves chubby boys, and love my own curvy body ...

To be honest, I would never date a small skinny guy, but I would never date a man that his eyes would not be attractive for me .... And honestly, EYES are more sexy and more important than any body shape ..... Places like this, sometimes, give us the wrond impression we are just a piece of meat ....and we are not, we are humans!!!

Oh my ... I wrote a lot here ...sorry for that, but, that was a good point!!!