Is it wrong to lie to my girlfriend about her weight gain?

[PhatCat]

Over the past year my girlfriend has gained 6 pounds. It may not sound like a lot, but she was a little underweight before and has probably lost 10 pounds of muscle and gained 16 pounds of fat, so it shows. She talks about gaining too much weight and says she wants to lose it. I don't want her to lose weight because she looks better now and is technically a healthier weight for her height.

Whenever she talks about how fat she's gotten, I tell her she's skinny. When she asks me if she looks heavier, I say she looks the same. When she says she needs to lose weight or asks me to help her lose weight, I tell her she doesn't need to lose any weight. When she asks if her clothes are too tight, I tell her they look perfect. Whenever she complains about how big her stomach has gotten, I tell her that her stomach is firm and flat. In reality she has a pudgy starter belly, she has jiggly thighs, her arms aren't as skinny as they used to be, and her jeans have gotten tight around her stomach. I can notice a weight gain, but overall she still looks fairly slim. Classic "skinny fat".

I'm not entirely sure, but I think I'm saying exactly what she wants me to say. She generally likes to hear positive things and doesn't want me to affirm her worries. I know lots of women prefer men to lie about weight gain. But sometimes I worry I'm gaslighting her by trying to make her believe she's skinnier than she is because I don't want her to lose weight. Her mother doesn't think she needs to lose weight either, and her mother never says things to be nice. I feel like I'm trying to convince her to not lose weight for my own pleasure, but she really doesn't need to lose weight by any rational standards. Her period is better since she's gained weight. She feels better overall. Some would say she needs to work out and tone up, but she's more of a eat-less type than work-out type. She's very lazy!

So am I doing the right thing by telling her she looks skinny, even though she's not quite 'skinny' anymore? Or should I be helping her to lose weight if that's what she wants?

[PhatCat]

1 hour ago, bobbington said:

*next time she asks*

“Yeah, I think you’ve gained a bit actually. I like it though.” (Said casually)

Just my suggestion. I really would try to avoid overthinking it, at the end of the day she wants to feel validated. You can do that by either telling her she’s thinner than she is, or being honest by saying you like it. I feel like the second option is best for the long term, but it’s really up to you.

She already knows that I'd like it if she gained more weight. If I tell her how great she looks without telling her that she looks thin, she responds with "so I've gained a lot of weight, haven't I," and that upsets her. I think the validation she wants is that she looks thin. Sometimes I'll get the response, "you're just saying that because it's what I want to hear," but usually she likes hearing it.

I had a girlfriend a number of years back who when she put on a string bikini, I told her how thin she looked in it. It made her really happy. The truth was that her stomach stuck out a few inches past her boobs and that was plain obvious, but she looked thinner in it than the tight jeans that gave her a muffin top.

[PhatCat]

6 hours ago, vpprof said:

You're saying what you think you should say to make her happy. The truth is, she knows she's gained and feels that she's missing something. 

Weight seems to be the least of your problems. You two don't communicate properly. How a deep relationship can be built without communicating each other's needs, remains a mystery.

Of course you should be open about your fetish and of course she should understand where your attraction is coming from. Otherwise you're sitting on a time bomb. If you fear she'll ditch you after you tell her, that just shows how superficial the relationship is. Please, just give yourself enough respect to believe that there is someone in the Universe, for whom you'll be interesting just as you are, without concealing anything or trying to appease that person. 

I think you're missing something. I am very open about what I like with her. She knows that I would like her to be a few pounds heavier, but she wants to be underweight. She wants to lose weight at the expense of her health and sanity, and I think she is suffering from anorexia. She was slightly heavier when we met than she is now, and she was really proud of her body then. I was perfectly fine with her size then, just as she was. Now she thinks she's getting fat, when by any normal standards she is still slim. I'm really just trying to get her to be a healthy weight, and I am not pushing her to be overweight.

[PhatCat]

22 hours ago, vpprof said:

So you basically told her, "Look I have a fetish, your gaining turns me on, that's why I want you to gain"? Because being indirect is as good as not saying anything.

Why "at the expense of her health" and why "at the expense of her sanity"? 

You need not explain yourself because I'm not judging you. And in any case, that's not a wrong or evil thing to want. The key is to have the other person remain in this situation consciously.

So basically, she is currently at the low end of the healthy weight range, and she wants to eat less to lose weight so she can be underweight. She is opposed to working out, so she wants to have a firm body by not having any body fat. When she tries to cut calories to lose weight, she gets very cranky. She does unhealthy things like eating only sweets but cuts calories by cutting out healthier foods. Being underweight messes with her hormones and her period gets really wacky. When she had too little body fat last year, she would go months without having a period, and then when it came it can last for a month or longer. So she basically wants to do things to her body that are unhealthy, just to be skinny. At this point it's not even about me wanting her to be chubby. I would be very happy if her BMI were in the healthy 20-25 range and not at 18.5 (which is where it was a year ago). Now it's up to 19.5 and she's feeling better. She wants to get her weight back down to where it was before, which really messed with her. She was slightly heavier when I met her than what she weighs now, and she had no desire to lose weight then. I never knew anyone who was so confident in their body. Suddenly that changed and now she is fighting herself to be skinnier.

[PhatCat]

7 minutes ago, bobbington said:

Well this completely changes things. It sounds like your girlfriend has an eating disorder. I’m not an expert on eating disorders, but I did find this resource https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-weight/supporting-someone-with-an-eating-disorder/

Honestly, I wish you the best. This sounds rough. 

Yeah, she sometimes admits that she thinks she has an eating disorder. She looks a little chubby now with her clothes off because she has more fat and less muscle than she ideally should, but I'm afraid to admit that to her because it would just send her into starving mode. But she doesn't look chubby in a fat way, just in a normal, average way. Like she looks like someone of average healthy size who doesn't work out. I think that now after she's gained a few pounds from a year ago, any regular person who sees her naked wouldn't tell her to gain or lose weight, but they might tell her to tone up (and she doesn't care at all about muscle tone). I'm just puzzled about how to handle this. I want her to just stop focusing on the number on the scale, and love herself at her current weight just like she used to. She was really, really chubby as a teenager (BMI of almost 30) and admitted that even then she thought she was hot because the boys thought so. I think her weight concerns now are the worst they've ever been. She says that she's rather be thin than be happy and healthy.

[PhatCat]

On 3/7/2021 at 11:10 PM, vpprof said:

And that alone should prompt her to see a psychologist. Thanks for elaborating, I appreciate it.

Also, you mentioned in the other topic that she's having panic attacks when she's got minor issues with her body. Well, that's not indicative of good mental status. Seriously. When people get a rash, they go see a dermatologist but when they're having serious psychological troubles, they're so reluctant to seek counseling. 

Thanks for the advice. I think the stress of COVID is getting to her and really messing with her.