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😭😭😭 I dont know what I'm doing wrong! I knew in my recent vid I looked thinner than usual, I noticed that last night. But I was like I'm completely gorged theres gotta be some weight gain. This morning, feeling still full from last night I decided to weigh and my weight was less than my last weigh in. SMH! I've been eating more and snacking more and drinking more shakes, and working hard at being lazy, I have no clue how this keeps happening. I brought it up to my docs cuz I'm getting so frustrated, and they said they dont want me to binge to keep working at it, that it'll take time and keep doing what I'm doing. Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated - I'm still feeling pretty frustrated atm 😓

So, as a lot of you know, I'm a very open individual when it comes to talking about my weight or myself, and that's something I doubt will ever change. So in keeping that spirit alive, I wanted to share some thoughts on something I haven't really been able to talk about a lot, and that's things I've personally experienced in my weight gain and loss, along with trying to re-evaluate my own thoughts of who I am and how I view myself as an individual and personal attractiveness. Something I've been dealing with, in my very extended absence, was how I viewed myself and who I am. I've recently come to realize that I am, agender. I know some people may or may not subscribe to that, however that's who I am. I don't mind being called she/her, or they/them. To me I've always never really felt full on "Female," but rather, just "me", if that makes sense? Traditional female things that were forced upon me never really felt 100% like my identity. Granted I didn't feel unease about it, but it didn't really ever resonate with me in the sense of "Oh this IS me." I bring up the Agender thing because of the fact that this has been a small part of my struggle in finding myself and how I have viewed my attractiveness. I think in a lot of ways, trying to see how I "fit" in a constrain of physical attractiveness has been really hard after being on this forum for as long as I was active. I say that because once I started losing weight, my mindset was still very much stuck in the notion that I still would choose to buy things at a larger size. I felt really unattractive because clothes didn't fit like how they used to, and also struggling with my own identity has made it so much harder to accept myself physically. Even at this lower weight, I almost feel uncomfortable wearing tight clothing anymore. I think something that comes with gaining weight and then losing, is that you never really get the mentality of being a thin person anymore when you lose weight. This is how I can come to understand how people with eating disorders may have a hard time seeing themselves at a healthy weight despite their own internal voice shouting otherwise. Currently I know I'm at about 140lbs, but Mentally, I don't really see myself as that. I still feel like I need to buy XL clothes and larger bras when really, I don't have to. Because of that, it's also made it hard for me to even want to go out and shop for clothes. There is a certain perk of having communities like Curvage to really support and view individuals who are larger as being attractive. However, even for myself and having been with someone who liked my larger weight, there was a thought that was in the back of my mind that would wonder, "how much of this is driven by the fetish aspect of his desire?" At the time it wasn't something I pondered a lot about, but in some ways, looking at it from an outside perspective, it kind of does skew the sense of attractiveness when you're trying to find yourself attractive. I completely understand and get that attraction comes from a sexual place, and that's absolutely okay and I myself can't really say anything against it because, hell, we all have different things that get us going and all of that. Though, for someone who's trying to find myself attractive - as is, the sort of things where you wonder if someone finds you attractive due to a fetish, can be hard mentally. It makes it hard because of the fact that you wonder about your own worth of self in some ways. I know there's people who viewed me as being attractive for not just what I offered physically, but also for what I offered in conversation and the presence I had. However, for the ones who I knew were purely attracted based on the fetish aspect (I.E. getting asks on tumblr to inquire about my weight and singularly for that,) It really kind of makes you feel like you, as an individual, aren't cared about. Which, considering at the time that I was dealing with a lot mentally, it wasn't really that helpful in some regards. This isn't to say that I detest people who really are more into the ladies here just for means to get off. I get that, it's part of the fantasy and being able to have a place to explore this lifestyle and preferences in a way that you're not able to in a society that doesn't view it as being "normal." However, I want to raise awareness that it's important to look at the individual as a person behind the images they show you and the weight they gain or lose. I think having some respect for that person and taking consideration in them really does go a long way. Overall, I have come quite a ways from when I first really started feeling badly about myself and my body. I will also admit that, it has been nice to see the reception I've gotten in not just my return, but the pics I posted, because who honestly doesn't like being told they're attractive? I really did enjoy knowing that I could bring joy and excitement into a lot of people's lives whenever I'd post pics and such for many other's enjoyment! So please do not think that I secretly disliked doing all of the photosets and videos. I wouldn't have done them if I didn't enjoy it. I think that's one of the things that may sound like a contradiction to a lot of what I've said, but at the end of the day, I'm still human with a lot of complex thoughts, needs, and emotions. I know this was long, but I feel like I'd be doing a disservice to myself to not be open and talk about something that I would normally be open to talking about. Thanks for reading guys and feel free to discuss or ask any questions you may have!

Lately, I've just registered myself into a new forum and I feel an urge to share my experience evolving into this cyber-community as far. Just a week ago, I discovered an African-American owned network of websites while randomly scrolling down my search engine page and just tell to myself: "Why not?" Stumbling into this new sub-world seemed almost cathartic to me, especially given my growing anxieties about just how much Curvage and other prominent Fat Admiration centered cyberplatforms in the Anglophonia (F.F. , F***ie, the more geriartic Dimensions Magazine, ecetera) spoke more-and-more volumes about their downsides as somewhat of a conandrum of the same cross-generational average North American gated community and the further it goes, the greater these implicit as much as micro-agressive cues-- let alone outright toxic fits of exclusionism didn't seat right to me: especially under the light of the recent social climate and especially about how we miss such an opportunity to open more bridges with an now-international class subculture of various groups, social classes and ethnicities. So, back to my point and a couple of clicks later, I was now a member of that popular platform. A section of the website is exclusively reserved to adult content. "Great" , I thought. I decided to probe my newfound social environment with what I do best in adult-reserved forums: dropping a content "dump" thread about gaining women (somebody did already posted a BBW-centered megathread and maintained it for years. Matter-of-factly... close from a three fifth of any thread content in that said section page was starring only but women evolving respectively from the rather planturous to full-figured to downright obese brackets of the size spectrum) . Followed by a whole introductory essay about the historicity of Fat Love, body fat cultivation and feedism within African and Diasporic cultures and how Pornhub was literally - and reportedly - making a insane lot of monetizing and assets over their BBW-savvy black male clientele. It caught the attention of a few lurkers. Gods have mercy: at last, I wasn't rubbing along with people rude enough to feel their inflated egoes (and c*cks) has been intimally bruised by my written speech cues/impediment and written Gallicisms like does a lot of Grammar Nazis, vexed forum gatekeepers - and borderline psychotic trolls - and other miserable vocal minorities lobbying for my expellation around here and over since... well, ever (and ultimately haven't helped those who long tried to persuade me the core factor of these repeated attacks aren't deep inside down but a "us-against-them" tier scenario rooted from a R-word/anti-non-native speaker thing) . And yet, my curiosity wasn't sasiated yet: consequently, I launched a discussion-centric rip-off of that said thread into a section broaching about relationship issues... a little success!! In just a matter of days, a dozen of different male forum members and moderators - and even a female mod - shared their different experiences from either end of the s*ze spectrum with such an almost seamless lack of shyness about it. For the first time in years, I had one of these girl-centered "room talks" with like-minded people and these people all happens to be black like me. No freakish schadenfreude fetish. No stalking "candids" taken stealtily. No young man frightened to let his relatives and social circles discovering he likes his women thickums or able to make a flight of stairs groan louder in agony than her. No celibate woman appalled to upsize a little too far from the norm just because this is the norm. No m******king mini-Klan of people offended because you barely compared male Spaniards's generic sexual preferabilities with those of black men. No one threatening to hack you and that you had to made understand you can give back Jesus style... just no people either when you are jokingly comparing yourself with the Christian God for the sake of bantering about it right into the Abyss when you got a recurrent forum member whose pseudonym is jesusofsurburbia. There, I could speak freely of my past dating experiences, trials and experiences without having anyone who derisively question it, implicits I've been lying or quell the higher-ups to trash them elsewhere and pull them out on the G-word checkmark like a cruxified martyr once you had the naiveté to come along with photographic evidence. Additionally, the moderators out there just seems so civilized: none of them have delusions of grandeur, neither a God complex, nor a limited empathetic interpersonal range neither or antisocial, scornfully dismissive toxic behavior. Which, Internet-wise, just seemingly alleges these people are high on some Wakanda s**t compared to every, single, effing cybergroup. They laugh at people as much they scoff between each other and hold the same no-bulls**t principles I have when someone play too much. Because yes, we're freaking barbarians in comparison and I have no qualms saying it. People have a lot to learn about them and just not using electronic technology and the broadsides of safe distance as a deshinibiting excuse to let their primal, antagonistic, nigh-sociopathic broadsides of their psyche left unchecked. Of course, I'm not portraying them as an utopia neither: just like a decent human society. Human. Is this the missing key behind every broadside of the contemporary online F.A. community in the Anglophonia? Its lack of open-mindedness, empathy and capability to showcase geniune humanity? Or is this just that either I - and most but likely a fair number of people who happens to be not white, English native-speaking and not fit to let the crowd let them break them down into the predominantly average North American mold - are just undergoing in this demimonde that constitutes the Internet (and therefore the online F.A. community) the less inhibited broadsides of a pitifully shared enmity culturally embedded within the collective mind of these hostile cells and single individuals? Just why does it feels so good and permeate to just going in there, like into a friendly barber shop, but not here?