You can tell from my posts that I lurk a lot but I finally feel that I have something worth discussing. I'm typing this mostly so I can get my feelings out, however feel free to share your own opinions. Sorry for the length but it's not just the WLS and it's complicated.
So I met her on the internet. It wasn't ever a secret between us that I liked her for her size, not simply that but you get the point. It wasn't long before we brought up our sexual fantasies so she was aware. We just never acted on her gaining, not that I expected her to and I made that clear. We've always had a long distance relationship and while we were actually dating, not a very healthy one. I phrase it that way because as you can tell we broke up.
And yet we did what always seems like a mistake and tried to remain friends. Before, an obvious reason of why it was unhealthy, we talked every moment we were awake. After, we talked every so often. Often enough to say we were good friends, but never deep or long enough to give that more meaning. Don't get me wrong, we talked a lot for exes. But by the title you can see where I'm going with this.
I can't recall when but she asked me about my feelings on WLS. I don't remember what I said but I know I said I disagreed with it and gave her the whole spiel. If I was smarter, I could have been less gung-ho on my feelings about it and should have been smarter on realizing why she was asking me. I did ask why she was thinking about it but my attitude was too overbearing and so she didn't respond with reasons that got at the heart of the issue. Instead I got the practical reasons, not the ones related to her being happy with herself and her weight. And if she did share, I wasn't listening. Not after being riled up over nothing. One of my many mistakes.
Months went by with this in the back of my mind. Her mentioning she's calorie logging. Noticing subtle differences in her pictures. I wasn't completely blind, but I was stupid. Stupid enough to ask if we could meet up for the first time this summer only to get this thrown into my face that she's going through with a VSG in a little over a month's time.
And I'm working through being hurt because I was blindsided yet I know why she couldn't tell me sooner: we're exes, I'm an FA, I responded negatively when she asked, she only told some of her other friends soon before she told me. I'm just still in a place where my fantasies, of being friends or even together, involved her staying relatively the same size, at least for the near future, and something like WLS isn't weight loss on a small scale and much more permanent.
And believe me, I've told her I know that the time for arguing, even though I did for a moment recently, has passed and that I know that by arguing at all I'm arguing my happiness over hers.
I've been sitting on this fantasy of just meeting her in person for months and the timing couldn't have been worse. She's always really busy and so I was just scared to ask until it was too late.
All of this being said, to put it simply I'm scared. I've put too much mental effort and stock in a woman who won't reciprocate because of the 3000 miles between us and changing a fundamental aspect of who she is. Those fantasies of mine have gone to waste. Imagine a dream of yours being taken from you. I don't know how to cope and that means I might lose her as a friend. I know she's not dying but my anxieties make it feel that way sometimes.
I could give a damn about her losing weight. And I know I'm petty when I say I'm jealous when the other people she's dated recently got her at heaviest and I'm getting 45% to 80% loss. I know she's still going to be my friend after and that I'll love her still but it's safe to say it's complicated. I've shared my feelings with her on us and the surgery and vice versa and even made and shared with her a playlist of videos of the WLS community (I wasn't exactly sitting on my ass from when she told me to now).
I'm at the end of my long and whiny rope and you can tell me I'm young and immature and you'd be right. It's why I've posted a long message because I need people who understand, not just the situation but my feelings from it as a FA, and can help me better myself so I can be a more supportive friend, if not in the short term, then the long term. Thanks for reading this and DFTBA!