AudioDependent

Hello! I'm Audio Dependent, (Audio for short).I like points, high fives and I like music a lot. I also like big women and I'd like to talk to you about that. I'm... I'm actually a very confused individual. See I've been into larger and curvier women for a long time and its always been a problem, well to me that is. I remember when I saw my first curvy woman and then suddenly everything changed. I knew what I wanted and oh boy did I want it bad. A lot of the friends I had growing up and even my family made a lot of fat jokes about women and so I never dared express myself or how I felt on the subject. I thought I didn't have much choice, I didn't have that many friends. So I kept it to myself and tried to stamp it out. Hating myself for what I liked. I thought I was the one who was wrong. But still liking it more and more. This was 21 years ago, and the trend has remained the same. Now lets flash forward those 21 years to today. I'm still into larger women and now, also feeding, stuffing, belly play etc.., but I still hate myself for it. Bonus Points: I've been diagnosed bipolar, and when I hate myself it can be pretty hard sometimes, (after all, I've had a lot of practice) and I can literally(used intentionally) make my own mood swings. As such I've created this internal duality. I know what I like, but I hate myself for it. But I can't stop myself from liking it. I've got myself a fantastic new girlfriend, is supportive as hell, listens to me, takes care of me when I'm down, has similar interests, similar taste in music. Bonus Points: She is a large curvy lady, and likes to eat. A little bit into our new relationship I make the jump and tell her about it. Not only do I tell her that I do like larger women, but that I'm into feeding, and everything. I just spill the beans and it actually turns out, she's okay with it, not only that but she actually likes it. She actually lets me do these things too a bit. I've gone to heaven, I love this women. I really do. But there's a problem. She has type 1 diabetes, and she is currently at an unhealthy weight and is actually on the list to getting into the program for weight loss surgery. And thus the duality has reached an interesting turn of events. Because now I hate myself because what I like will make her unhealthy and her health is more important then my happiness. So now the train of thought becomes what I like will make her unhealthy and therefore its wrong for me to like it. But she tells me its okay that I like it. So it's this constant back and forth between liking it and then hating myself for liking it, and now I'm starting to crack. I love this women and no matter what size she is I will love her and don't plan on leaving her for it. I just want her to be happy and healthy. But at the same time I want that for me too. All I really need is to find a way to accept that its okay to have my kinks and I just don't know how to do it yet and I just feel this getting heavier on my shoulders and I can't carry it anymore. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I'm hoping maybe poking around here I'll be able to find some answers. DISCLAIMER: looking back and reading this I realize the feeling that this may give. I'd just like to say that I'm not in crisis, am safe and okay. Just very conflicted, confused, and tired