I’ve also been thinking on this topic, for several years. This is going to be rambling....The two key questions: why am I into big girls (and why have I ALWAYS been into big girls)? And why am I into feeding?
Second question first: feeding leads to more fat. If you like fat, that’s a big plus. I’m 100% not into humiliation. (The web model Passion is one of my favorites, and I bought one of her videos talking about life as a fat person. About 3/4 through she almost started crying. Not only did I lose urge, it sent me into about a week long funk. It’s really depressing to think of the models being unhappy.) What I’m into is the act of pleasing. When I know a girl really likes to eat, I know for a fact that I can please her. It makes me a better partner because I’m not in my head wondering, “am I pleasing her? Am I enough?” When a woman let’s you feed her in a non-sexual but rather lifestyle way, it’s about the biggest leap of faith/grand gesture they can show. Because if things end and they are still fat, they know that their prospects might be lessened. It’s not nearly as bad as when I started dating, a few decades ago, but it’s still not the easiest thing in the world.
On the feeding side, I’m into outgrown clothes and weigh-ins. But with the women I’ve dated, those moments are highly vulnerable. When my ex used to tell me her weight, she was needing validation that I could give. (Weight wasn’t the problem in our relationship, for the most part...another story anyway). When a woman outgrows something it can be either validated or rejected. Outgrown episodes were generally some of our most affirming times.
All that being said, I never wanted it to be my choice. I didn’t want to be dictating it. Typically the weight just started, was received with validation, and then would ratchet up. The mother of my children was 200ish to begin with but got close to 300 pretty quickly. My favorite feeding moments would be when we were laying in bed on a Saturday morning and she’d say, “Donuts? Pleeeaaassee?” And I could do that for her! It was a guaranteed success every time! How many of those do we get as people in relationships?
But I didn’t want to trick, do secret stuff, or anything like that. I wanted it to be about trust, sharing, satisfying. I wanted to see a smile. Maybe that’s delusional, but that’s how I felt.
So now the first question, why do I like fat women? Well, I always have for one. There were no overweight women in my family (at that time, 70s/80s; not anymore!). But I remember even as a five-year old just wanting to have physical contact with my dad’s boss’s wife. She was beautiful, but she was also big. My childhood memory probably isn’t reliable, but my memory thinks of her about like Delta Burke at her absolute fattest. She had a huge chest, but she also had a belly. We’d go over to her house and I would always find a way to sit in her lap. I remember thinking I wanted to make myself her favorite, so unlike my siblings, I’d always bring her something, often candy.
As I got older, that feeling never went away. The first girl I had a crush on in 8th grade, Betsy. She was from India and in 8th grade she was about 5’1” and definitely over 200 pounds. I was about 5’0” and 87 pounds. But that difference turned me on so much. As a kid I didn’t know why. Years of therapy as an adult helped me figure it out. But that’s a bit of a spoiler.
Anyway, I pine for this girl for months. At the 8th grade dance I finally work up the courage to ask her to dance. She says yes. And for five minutes, I’m euphoric. She’s got her arms on my shoulders, my hands around her waist, and it’s so soft and squishy. Her belly is big and pressed into mine and I’m trying to find away so that we don’t make contact below the waist because I’d be mortified with embarssment. I wanted to move my hands lower, or higher, but I don’t because I’m thinking she’s only doing this for pity. But she can’t hide the belly, pushing into me...
Song ends, we stop dancing, she smiles but I’m 13 and angsty, so I do nothing. She walks away and instantly my friends start razzing me to no end. It’s hardcore teasing. And that led me to 10 years of FA-closet life, and depression. The depression wasn’t all about that, but it was at least 20%. It’s hard to live with yourself when you are denying something so fundamental to your existence as sexual interest.
So I’ve always liked fat women, but this episode provided me another insight as an adult. Which is that I hated my body. I perceived myself as weak and unmanly. I didn’t stand up for myself when teased, or this girl who I had a huge crush on. (And she was really a delightful girl, beautiful smile, beautiful skin, very loving and warm personally).
I loved sports, was obsessed with them, but I didn’t grow in time. I really wasn’t that “unmanly,” I was just 13 and still a boy. But as 13-year olds, we don’t think straight. And whether it was my insecurity of being small, or a fat person’s insecurity of being big, these things root their way into our minds. It’s hard to give them up.
On some level, then and as an adult, I liked fat because it was different than me. And I didn’t like myself and I wanted something different. Fat was like an adventure into a different realm. Everything moves differently and feels differently. There’s jiggle. Mother f-ing jiggle. And when a fat woman is on top of me, it makes me feel stronger. I don’t know why I feel that way, but I’ve always felt stronger and more manly with fat girls.
There’s one more thing I’ve debated including, but I’m going to. You’d have to be an idiot to think that anyone, ever, doesn’t have moments when they feel unattractive. But some people struggle with it more, and statistical probability suggests, if nothing else, that the 5’1”, 250-lb woman is going to experience it more than the 5’11”, 125-lb woman. I don’t know that I could be a good lover to someone who hasn’t gone through the same struggle I’ve gone through. Because unfortunately, even though I’m 5’10”, 160, I still need that validation at times. I dated skinny women for years who couldn’t understand it. I still carried with me those old insecurities, and being with someone who understood them and was working to overcome it made me feel much better. We could overcome it together. And it made me like fat even more.
(Also, let me be crystal clear: I want someone who loves their body. For one, it’s way more attractive. Two, if a person ends up in a situation where one person loves the fat and the other doesn’t, it’s rarely going to work. I know there are examples, but most of the time, if both partners don’t at least like it, it’s going to have a chilling effect on a couple’s sex life. And three, I don’t need negativity in my life, especially in the bedroom. I’m getting too old for that. I’m too affected by others negativity. I want to have as much great sex as possible, and negativity does not facilitate that.)
So, if you even make it to the end of this post, which is ridiculously long, that’s why I like you (and fat women in general) fat. I still have to watch below-the-waist touching when I’m on a first date and we’re dancing, because I still get that euphoria of her belly pushing into me.