Help me help my boyfriend

[Teskifad]

Hello! 

 

I am posting on this forum even though I am not a part of this community, but I need help and I think I can best find it with people who have this particular kink. It will be a long post and I apologize in advance. There’s a TLDR at the end.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months. He’s sweet and caring, and I love him so so much. However, since the beginning of our relationship, we have encountered a problem which is linked to the feeder/feeding fetish. At first, he was trying to hide it from me, but I learned about it a few months after we got together because the situation was becoming unbearable: he was suffering too much.

 

The way I would best summarize his fetish would be: mild feeder. What I mean is that he is apparently not interested in his significant other becoming obese or the concept of immobility. What he likes is a little weight gain, and particularly the transition time I think (clothes getting smaller…). Moreover, most of his pleasure comes from knowing the feedee is enjoying herself, I think seeing her overeating and liking it is very erotic for him.

 

So when I learned about this, I was like « is this all? ». I honestly couldn’t care less about it (meaning I still love him the same). I never want him to be ashamed of his sexual preferences, everyone is allowed to enjoy whatever they want.

 

That’s when the real problem comes in. What I think is « different » (might be common but I have looked it up a lot and haven’t found anything similar) about my boyfriend’s fetish is that it is not only a positive sexual stimulation. For example: I thought we could just live our lives as usual and if I gained some weight, then we would just enjoy it when it lasted. However, my boyfriend suffers at the thought of me losing weight. It is a great source of anxiety for him. He thinks stuff like « If she sees I am eating a low calory meal, maybe she will take the same so I must hide it from her. If she gains weight then she might want to lose it and do a diet, etc… ». Sometimes he is feeling fine, but after a few triggering events: she didn’t refill her plate this morning, she took the diet version of something, she has skipped breakfast, I think she has lost weight, I feel her ribcage… he kind of breaks. He doesn’t scream or anything, he just really withdraws within himself. It happens every few days. He feels a mix of sadness, anger and frustration. When I did not know of his kink, he would ask me to leave him on his own for a while. Obviously I did not understand why and I was hurt. Now we have tried numerous things for him to feel better: talking about it, researching it, being away from one another for a while… nothing seems to be really effective. He has no control over its intensity and how long it will last. Sometimes he thinks he is feeling good enough for us to meet and when I arrive he realizes it was not the case. He is even tortured by questions such has : « has she eaten? Did she lose weight? »when we are not together. If it is not too far-fetched, it sometimes feels like he has an eating disorder or body dismorphia, but on my body.

 

It’s heartbreaking to see him like this. He has trouble looking at me and talking to me when it happens. He absolutely hates himself for that, and he’s ashamed of it. For the shame about the fetish part, I’m doing my best to reassure him: he has nothing to be ashamed of. For the rest, I don’t know how to help.

 

Of course, in a perfect world, I would be a feedee and enjoy gaining weight. However he knows that it is not the case (I am confortable with my body even when I gain a few pounds but I do not wish to purposely gain weight) and he does not want me to put on weight juste because I feel obligated. He fears it might become an unhealthy relationship and wants me to have control over my body. He first hid his fetish from me mostly in order to protect me and our relationship. However, he would have a « crisis » every few days so I ended up guessing what it was about.

 

Some more useful information: he is going to therapy (and has been before). So far, it is not helping.

He has been having this fetish since as long as he can remember.

He had this problem with all the partners he ever had.

 

Thank you if you are still reading.

For the others:

 

 

TLDR: my boyfriend recently admitted to me that he has a mild feeder fetish. It’s fine by me even if I don’t wish to purposely gain weight for him (and he doesn’t want to force me at all). However he has a lot of anxiety about wether or not I lose weight, (kind of like a person would have on their own body from an eating disorder) and can’t control it. It is making him feel awful several times a week. This problem has been following him since forever and was there with all his significant others.

 

 

So my questions are:

Can some of you relate? (don’t hesitate to send me a PM if you don’t feel comfortable posting here)

Of course you might be a feeder, but do you have the same kind of fear than him when he is in a relationship?

Do you have any advice on this (specific therapy, soothing actions…)?

 

Thanks for your time and your responses. I wish you all a great day ❤️

 

PS: of course I have asked him for his autorisation before posting this

[ThunderousRegret]

Of course it always feels a bit disappointing for a feeder when their SO doesn't overeat. But this should not be more than a minor inconvenience, if your boyfriend is struggling this much with his fetish he should get therapy for it. Putting this kind of strain on a relationship over a fetish is not healthy and he's gotta learn to let go of it.

[extra_m13]

i can relate... i am 36 now, and have been in several relationships and... i was just like in a couple. basically just as you describe anxiously asking my gf what she ate in every meal, always checking the total calorie intake and how the clothes fit, checking if she was not doing any additional exercise and in a way trying to sabotage the trips to the gym by mild ways like late dinners and staying up late having a few beers. i do not feel proud about it and i know i made those ladies have a hard time because that also made them question their attractiveness for sure and that was less than good but that is how it was... at the end what worked for me is... understanding long term relationships involve a bit of everything, so , some ladies did gain weight but also our side simply has to understand that a balanced life and a serious relationship involves not focusing as much on that... he has to find a way to deal with it and both can enjoy it fully in a sense. eat a lot there, probably gain a few, but keep it real. i do not think we really want an all in gainer that is aiming to go all the way to gain hundreds of pounds

[Aurel]

I just want to say that you sound like a very sweet, loving person, and that he is lucky to have you.

I do not suffer the same affliction he does, so I can't speak directly to it. Your insight that it sounds almost like an externally-projected eating disorder is very interesting.

Would it help if you offered reassurances that you have no intention of losing weight? Basically, don't promise to gain beyond what you're comfortable with, but help him to understand that he has nothing to worry about regarding any deliberate plan on your part to lose weight. If that isn't enough for him, then there might be deeper trust issues.

[Lake Terror]

Can some of you relate? 

Yes but not to this extreme. Granted I am with a morbidly obese woman. I have never worried about feeling her ribcage but if she would get to that size I have always thought could I still find physical attraction? My preference is a woman over 300lbs, 260lbs bare minimum. However if you love someone, truly, you can help make a sex life work out for both partners involved.

I will say your boyfriend is an extreme case of fear. There are a lot of underlying anxiety issues he needs to actually bring up in counseling. Doesn't have to flat out say his fetish but the fear of you, say, "becoming bones," for lack of a better term.

Since his therapist isn't helping (there are a lot who aren't right now he isn't alone) he really should stop wasting time and money seeing them and find someone else to help.

As a feeder my partner does not engage in my lifestyle, but I did tell her about this during our relationship. As long as your boyfriend isn't pushing his feeder desires on you, no problem. The problem occurs with what you are describing. It's an unintentional emotional manipulation/abuse the way he acts towards you if you eat low calorie items/salad.

The fun tip, feedee's eat low calorie stuff all the time and even Fruit! 😯

Do you have any advice on this?

I honestly feel bad for you. Your partner should have came clean about what he is into from the start. It's a common mistake in a relationship. I have learned when someone has found out about a partners sexual desire secretly it usually breaks a huge trust in the relationship. Both of you may need couples therapy to make sure both of you can be on the same page.

If you aren't interested in that and he is tearing himself apart so badly he is projecting a negative outcome on you, you are going to have a lot of difficult questions to answer about your involvement with him going forward.

I know this is direct and difficult but once a trust like that gets broken it is a long road to recovery for both partners in a relationship.

I truly do wish you and your boyfriend success. Just know this community is a fickle bunch. His behavior does not represent the community as a whole. Actually if he was with a feedee and acted this way they likely would have broken up with him. I know a few personally who would not put up with his fear over eating a salad, fruit,etc.

 

[Guest Frankfranksen48]

I am sorry to hear that you’re boyfriend has such a hard time. I think I have a good suggestion what might help him. I have a large background in psychologie and i think what might be cousing a lot of his symptoms is a porn-adiction. People (aspecialy) men with a difficult fetisj are more fundrable to create such a habbit. There is a very good Ted talk about it. It’s called, The great porn experiment, by Garry Wilson. 

I really think that this could be a good thing to look into. Because when he loses his obsession with it everything around his fetisj wil be easier to deal with. 
 

I hope that this brings u something and that u both can be happy together!

Btw I Have the same problems like him, so i can relate.

[BombshellKiKi CLIPS]

So I relate to your boyfriends anxiety and fear but on the opposite side. My boyfriend is very much a feeder and all my life I've struggled with body dismorphia and starving myself, hours at the gym trying to be thinner. I have anxiety daily on if I ate enough to make sure he's happy and I cried when I lost a few pounds thinking he wouldn't be attracted to me or he would leave. I never ever thought I would gain. My biggest thing is open communication I try to express all my feelings and just except his live and support. I have started to like eating more but the fears are there. I just take it one day at a time.

[Guest Weight gain schadenfreude]

My kneejerk answer, if you were my sister, would be "That guy is a weirdo. Leave him". Long answer is I do share my "fetish" with my gf but it's NOT the center of our relation. I just like her with her borderline fluctuating body. I never made any big confession because there is nothing to confess. It's just sexy playfulness that's part of our wider relationship, like I'll slap her ass and say something cheesy like "That's not a cake, that's a whole bakery", or I'll pat her belly,  but weeks might go by without any mention of weight. When a guy comes to you shaking and sweating telling you "I need to confess you something" that's a bit of a red flag. It doesn't exactly scream sexual fun, but rather anxious nerdiness.

[soupsoupsoup]

I can relate to your boyfriend. Feederism is a very exciting thing for some and in turn weight loss feels the opposite so it’s easy to get fixated on it. From my experience this doesn’t have to be the case. You can work on handling those feelings better. It’s about maintaining perspective and remembering to view your partner for all that they are. I’m not saying he doesn’t see  that but that it helps to think about in those moments. Hopefully with time he will learn to control his fixations better. Time also has a funny way of showing what the big picture stuff really is. I think reassuring him is good and just taking about things might help you both feel closer in those instances. You can try things like role play, putting on old clothes, or teasing him about eating something a little extra but not like overdoing it or anything etc. See what works for you both. And hopefully he’s not being manipulative or anything about it or about guilting you to eat etc. He seems like a pretty self aware good person. But that wouldn’t be okay. 
not advice just anecdotal

[flake113]

I can relate very much with what you wrote.  It is a difficult thing to try to just put on a back shelf and forget about. Especially in one's prime years when the drives are strongest.

You are a very caring and considerate partner to bear with him through this struggle. I wish I had some kind of answer for you but this is something he's likely to struggle with for most of his life. It can be hard on the individual, and hard on the relationship.  He really can't control what he's into, and it's likely to continue to eat at him like this.  This paraphilia can be a sadistic mistress at times.

[Guest Hell Kaiser]

Just be careful and know what you're getting yourself into I would say. It is good that you guys are on the same page about not gaining weight, but consider that he will struggle a lot if you lose weight. Make sure you want to be in this type of relationship where losing weight will put it in jeopardy. He's gonna always want you to gain weight in the back of his head as well. If this is what you want, by all means, but please don't sacrifice your freedom to what someone else wants for you if you don't want it yourself.