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Accepting your kink/self loathing


CBJai

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  • Curvage Model

Hi all, 

I'm after some advice and would love to hear any shared experiences

I'm really having trouble accepting this kink, fetish, preference, whatever ya wanna call it. 

I was briefly a curvage model last year and it helped with my confidence a lot, so you may know my back story (curvybabeJai former fitness model) 

I first recognised my fetish at around 11 years old, that was the earliest I remember looking up belly play videos on YouTube lol so I've had this fetish a looooong time as I'm 25 now, but I flip between being enamored by it to then being so full of self loathing and hating myself for feeling this way? It's honestly making me miserable

My whole entire life fat has been associated with bad, my whole family make fun of fat people and I was put on a diet when I was 9/10 years old, in my mother's words, "so I didn't get bullied in high school" 

I wouldn't change anything about my life, because I've met some of my dearest friends through my years of personal training and being so involved in fitness. I still love training. But I just feel so sensational when I am full and chubby, but also like it goes against everything I've ever known. This fetish is part of me I doubt will ever change, not that I want it to change, but a few days, weeks, months of indulging my fantasies and a switch flips back and I need to get fit again, need to lose weight. I got to my heaviest weight while here on curvage last year, felt amazing and then come January I was dieting, lost it all which took 5 months and I've gone 'off' the rails the past 3 weeks and gained most of it back. I just can't get out of this cycle. 

Does anyone else deal with the self loathing? How do I let go? Has anyone ever spoken to a councillor? 

I just want to be happy... And fat 😆 

Any advice would be really appreciated, I may start posting on here again just for encouragement and support 🤗

 

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Hi

1 hour ago, CBJai said:

I'm really having trouble accepting this kink, fetish, preference, whatever ya wanna call it. 

If you're looking for the proper medical term, it's "paraphilia".

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my whole family make fun of fat people

THIS 😮 It's amazing how it's a recurring theme for like 99% of us.

Quote

and I was put on a diet when I was 9/10 years old, in my mother's words, "so I didn't get bullied in high school" 

Which naturally taught you that you need to do stuff other people expect of you or it's "bye bye".

Quote

I wouldn't change anything about my life, because I've met some of my dearest friends through my years of personal training and being so involved in fitness. I still love training. But I just feel so sensational when I am full and chubby, but also like it goes against everything I've ever known.

Yes, most of us feel this way :) 

Quote

This fetish is part of me I doubt will ever change, not that I want it to change, but a few days, weeks, months of indulging my fantasies and a switch flips back and I need to get fit again, need to lose weight. I got to my heaviest weight while here on curvage last year, felt amazing and then come January I was dieting, lost it all which took 5 months and I've gone 'off' the rails the past 3 weeks and gained most of it back. I just can't get out of this cycle. 

Well, most if not all paraphilias are about intimacy, submission and domination, which in turn is about making a bond. When you feel more mentally sound, you don't need to resort to bonding by artificially making yourself vulnerable ("I'm so out of shape, all I can do is indulge, I have no willpower, I need you to feed me and take care of me"). So you diet.

Quote

Does anyone else deal with the self loathing?

Woah, lots of people on here. But it needn't be tied to the kink itself, actually I'd first assume it isn't.

Quote

How do I let go?

Through therapy but I hope the above will give you food for thought already.

Quote

Has anyone ever spoken to a councillor? 

Yes and some of the conclusions are here: https://curvage.org/forum/index.php?/forums/topic/48893-has-anyone-spoken-to-a-sex-therapist-or-professional-about-their-feedism-fetish/&do=findComment&comment=737029

 

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I'm a 26 year old guy and I also discovered that I was into this fetish/kink at a very early age (I'm relatively slender and into bigger women & feedism). Like you, my family and most of my friends shame fat people and it's consistently viewed as something bad by most people I know. I feel as if I'm in the closet without being gay, because no one knows about my preference and I still haven't accepted it since I'm so deeply ashamed of it.

I wouldn't say that I hate myself for it because it isn't my fault that I have this preference. It can't be helped. What I will say though is that it has made the subject of relationships and sexuality much more difficult for me. Literally the only thing that really turns me on is the idea of a girl gaining weight and being into it, and that strongly limits my dating prospects because most girls aren't into that. I could date someone who isn't into this fetish, but in that case I'd never be satisfied sexually, and the girl would most certainly notice and feel bad about it, which in turn would make me feel bad. And then of course there's the issue of my not having come to terms with the fetish, so even if I could date a girl who'd want to gain weight for my and her own sake I'm not sure if I'd be ready for the shame that would come with it.

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it is a complex matter, eating is one delicious pleasure and exercising is also addictive in a way and you cannot really be fat and fit as in running miles per day fit. so, there is always a trade off. most likely a never ending mix up is what happens. personally i go binging in the weekend and then try to back to -normal- during the week but i understand what you are saying. now it is important to recognize if there are really no deeper issues that are being masked, in that case, it should be talked about

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Even though I'm coming from the opposite side I can really relate to this. I fought my urges for many years, I dated women of all shapes, sizes, weights, but I only really wanted a girl who wanted to gain but could never bring myself to broach the subject. I eventually did to the one woman I felt comfortable with and she initially seemed on board, even gaining about 20lbs and posing for pics. At first she was quite happy about it, even sometimes relished it, but then after a while she realised I was a bit weirded out about my own fantasies coming true and used it against me, she even told my parents and some of her family... (This isn't any old ex either, she is the mother of my child and she chose to do make this revelation when I was depressed and suffering from major anxiety).

 

Needless to say I was mortified and devastated that she could break my trust. I stopped mentioning the gaining scenario and pushed through the comments and questions, eventually convincing the families I wasn't weird. Even after we split up I really over compensated by getting an extremely thin girlfriend and playing it off. This was followed by a little chunky woman with feedee tendencies that I let go to show I wasn't a weirdo to my family...

 

It's only been recently that I've delved deeper into the community (didn't join Curvage until this year, and your thread was one of my first actual comments) so I feel that I can come to terms with my fetish at some point, but I don't know when or how either... 

 

Sorry I've not really helped but I wanted to post something to s

let you know that us men who don't want to get fat are equally as confused by our desires as you are 

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I had typed a long drawn out story about my self loathing and the conflicted nature of my interest in pudgier women. But I wanted to perhaps bounce something off of you that you might find useful

You have to make peace with yourself. Some people can do it, some can't. I find it interesting that when relationships end, we mostly demonize the other person to try to distance ourselves from those feelings. It's almost a reset. If your family/significant other was abusive about your weight and you hate them, it might be easier to distance yourself, probably by gaining weight to spite them. If they harped on you because they loved you and were looking out for you, it's then conflicting. It would be hard to gain weight because they cared and you feel like you are betraying them.

As an aside, take it from me, bullying sucks and I wish no child had to deal with it.

It also probably doesn't help that your dear friends are also into fitness.

Somehow you have to convince yourself that being fat is ok. It may require you to change your lifestyle. Do you want to distance yourself from your fitness friends? Do you want to fixate on the repulsiveness of your parents' hatred of fat people?

What was the trigger that forced you back in the gym in January? Fitness friends? Family visits?

 

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Life's too short to deny yourself pleasure just because of someone else's judgemental attitude or crappy offhanded comment.

Eat and pleasure yourself, often. 

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As much as we all love fatness and softness, we have to keep in mind that no one is defined by their kinks or sexual orientations. Like, apparently Leonardo da Vinci was gay, but no one cares because there was just so much else he did! What did Leonardo not think up? Each one of us has so many hobbies and passions. In short, it’s not our kinks that make us a good or bad person, but the strength of our character and morals — and it is possible to be a good FA.

I like thicc girls, I say so, and it’s completely normal. Some of my recent dates have been with girls who want to lose weight and I’ve actually helped them do it because it’s what they wanted. So what if weight gain is exciting? No one can gain forever, and if they’re done, there’s always writing and drawing.

One more thought: what inspires your kink? For me it’s simple because I just like all the sexy parts getting bigger. Once I realized that, it was easier to explain to others and sounded much more reasonable. Who doesn’t want a giant ass and big boobs? Try to put the reason behind your desires into words and you’ll find it easier to define borders for it.

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I'm 32 and it took me ~25 years, from the age of 7-8, when I first began to know my fetish, until the last year or so to stop hating myself and finally come to love and accept who I am.

A few things I would recommend:

  • Connect with and immerse yourself in the body positive/fat positive community. I used to think you couldn't be body positive if you're into feedism. I felt guilty and like a fake. But that's soooo not true. Fat positivity is for everyone! You deserve self love. Nobody gives a second thought to a person's desire to diet or be thin; that a thin person would enjoy their body seems like the most natural thing in the world. But you know what, enjoying being fat is just as natural. It's okay to enjoy eating, and there's no shame in loving being fat!
     
  • Remind yourself that fitness and fatness aren't exclusive opposites. I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been, but I ride my bike all the time and try to keep fit and healthy. Sure you'll likely experience some loss of fitness as you gain weight, but that doesn't mean you can't maximize your body's potential at that higher weight! Maybe look into the Health at Every Size (HAES) movement too. Remember that your training goals don't have to be about weight loss or being smaller. Exercise is healthy for everyone!
     
  • Work with a good councilor/therapist around body image. You don't necessarily have to tell them about your fetish/kink, etc., if you're not comfortable. But I would recommend sharing that you enjoy your larger body and that you want to practice self-love and a relatively healthy lifestyle without shrinking your body.

Good luck on your journey! Self acceptance takes a lot of time and work, but you'll get there!

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  • 5 weeks later...
Guest Weight gain schadenfreude
On 6/14/2021 at 9:02 PM, CBJai said:

Hi all, 

I'm after some advice and would love to hear any shared experiences

I'm really having trouble accepting this kink, fetish, preference, whatever ya wanna call it. 

I was briefly a curvage model last year and it helped with my confidence a lot, so you may know my back story (curvybabeJai former fitness model) 

I first recognised my fetish at around 11 years old, that was the earliest I remember looking up belly play videos on YouTube lol so I've had this fetish a looooong time as I'm 25 now, but I flip between being enamored by it to then being so full of self loathing and hating myself for feeling this way? It's honestly making me miserable

My whole entire life fat has been associated with bad, my whole family make fun of fat people and I was put on a diet when I was 9/10 years old, in my mother's words, "so I didn't get bullied in high school" 

I wouldn't change anything about my life, because I've met some of my dearest friends through my years of personal training and being so involved in fitness. I still love training. But I just feel so sensational when I am full and chubby, but also like it goes against everything I've ever known. This fetish is part of me I doubt will ever change, not that I want it to change, but a few days, weeks, months of indulging my fantasies and a switch flips back and I need to get fit again, need to lose weight. I got to my heaviest weight while here on curvage last year, felt amazing and then come January I was dieting, lost it all which took 5 months and I've gone 'off' the rails the past 3 weeks and gained most of it back. I just can't get out of this cycle. 

Does anyone else deal with the self loathing? How do I let go? Has anyone ever spoken to a councillor? 

I just want to be happy... And fat 😆 

Any advice would be really appreciated, I may start posting on here again just for encouragement and support 🤗

 

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Are you into fat teasing? Then let your family tease away and make it part of the fun. If they call you fat laugh it off, and say "Yeah, I'm such a pig". Unless they're really abusive about it.

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Guest Weight gain schadenfreude
On 6/22/2021 at 3:18 PM, ilovepastries said:

I'm a 26 year old guy and I also discovered that I was into this fetish/kink at a very early age (I'm relatively slender and into bigger women & feedism). Like you, my family and most of my friends shame fat people and it's consistently viewed as something bad by most people I know. I feel as if I'm in the closet without being gay, because no one knows about my preference and I still haven't accepted it since I'm so deeply ashamed of it.

I wouldn't say that I hate myself for it because it isn't my fault that I have this preference. It can't be helped. What I will say though is that it has made the subject of relationships and sexuality much more difficult for me. Literally the only thing that really turns me on is the idea of a girl gaining weight and being into it, and that strongly limits my dating prospects because most girls aren't into that. I could date someone who isn't into this fetish, but in that case I'd never be satisfied sexually, and the girl would most certainly notice and feel bad about it, which in turn would make me feel bad. And then of course there's the issue of my not having come to terms with the fetish, so even if I could date a girl who'd want to gain weight for my and her own sake I'm not sure if I'd be ready for the shame that would come with it.

My family was also anti-fat. It seems like a common theme for many people on here, both gainers and admirers.

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Guest Weight gain schadenfreude
On 6/30/2021 at 10:35 PM, high said:

Life's too short to deny yourself pleasure just because of someone else's judgemental attitude or crappy offhanded comment.

Eat and pleasure yourself, often. 

At the same time if posible.

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  • Curvage Model
On 7/1/2021 at 9:30 PM, Little Miss Cake said:

I'm 32 and it took me ~25 years, from the age of 7-8, when I first began to know my fetish, until the last year or so to stop hating myself and finally come to love and accept who I am.

A few things I would recommend:

  • Connect with and immerse yourself in the body positive/fat positive community. I used to think you couldn't be body positive if you're into feedism. I felt guilty and like a fake. But that's soooo not true. Fat positivity is for everyone! You deserve self love. Nobody gives a second thought to a person's desire to diet or be thin; that a thin person would enjoy their body seems like the most natural thing in the world. But you know what, enjoying being fat is just as natural. It's okay to enjoy eating, and there's no shame in loving being fat!
     
  • Remind yourself that fitness and fatness aren't exclusive opposites. I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been, but I ride my bike all the time and try to keep fit and healthy. Sure you'll likely experience some loss of fitness as you gain weight, but that doesn't mean you can't maximize your body's potential at that higher weight! Maybe look into the Health at Every Size (HAES) movement too. Remember that your training goals don't have to be about weight loss or being smaller. Exercise is healthy for everyone!
     
  • Work with a good councilor/therapist around body image. You don't necessarily have to tell them about your fetish/kink, etc., if you're not comfortable. But I would recommend sharing that you enjoy your larger body and that you want to practice self-love and a relatively healthy lifestyle without shrinking your body.

Good luck on your journey! Self acceptance takes a lot of time and work, but you'll get there!

This is such a great answer, thank you so very much ❤️

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  • Curvage Model
On 7/1/2021 at 6:53 PM, >_< 0_0 said:

As much as we all love fatness and softness, we have to keep in mind that no one is defined by their kinks or sexual orientations. Like, apparently Leonardo da Vinci was gay, but no one cares because there was just so much else he did! What did Leonardo not think up? Each one of us has so many hobbies and passions. In short, it’s not our kinks that make us a good or bad person, but the strength of our character and morals — and it is possible to be a good FA.

I like thicc girls, I say so, and it’s completely normal. Some of my recent dates have been with girls who want to lose weight and I’ve actually helped them do it because it’s what they wanted. So what if weight gain is exciting? No one can gain forever, and if they’re done, there’s always writing and drawing.

One more thought: what inspires your kink? For me it’s simple because I just like all the sexy parts getting bigger. Once I realized that, it was easier to explain to others and sounded much more reasonable. Who doesn’t want a giant ass and big boobs? Try to put the reason behind your desires into words and you’ll find it easier to define borders for it.

This is really helpful, thank you ☺️

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  • Curvage Model
On 6/22/2021 at 10:57 PM, DaveMc262 said:

Even though I'm coming from the opposite side I can really relate to this. I fought my urges for many years, I dated women of all shapes, sizes, weights, but I only really wanted a girl who wanted to gain but could never bring myself to broach the subject. I eventually did to the one woman I felt comfortable with and she initially seemed on board, even gaining about 20lbs and posing for pics. At first she was quite happy about it, even sometimes relished it, but then after a while she realised I was a bit weirded out about my own fantasies coming true and used it against me, she even told my parents and some of her family... (This isn't any old ex either, she is the mother of my child and she chose to do make this revelation when I was depressed and suffering from major anxiety).

 

Needless to say I was mortified and devastated that she could break my trust. I stopped mentioning the gaining scenario and pushed through the comments and questions, eventually convincing the families I wasn't weird. Even after we split up I really over compensated by getting an extremely thin girlfriend and playing it off. This was followed by a little chunky woman with feedee tendencies that I let go to show I wasn't a weirdo to my family...

 

It's only been recently that I've delved deeper into the community (didn't join Curvage until this year, and your thread was one of my first actual comments) so I feel that I can come to terms with my fetish at some point, but I don't know when or how either... 

 

Sorry I've not really helped but I wanted to post something to s

let you know that us men who don't want to get fat are equally as confused by our desires as you are 

I'm really sorry that happened to you. That's truly awful, and though she is the mother of your child. She clearly never deserved you or your trust. 

It is helpful in knowing that none of us are alone on these journeys we're on ❤️

Sending love to you! 

 

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On 6/14/2021 at 8:02 PM, CBJai said:

Hi all, 

I'm after some advice and would love to hear any shared experiences

I'm really having trouble accepting this kink, fetish, preference, whatever ya wanna call it. 

I was briefly a curvage model last year and it helped with my confidence a lot, so you may know my back story (curvybabeJai former fitness model) 

I first recognised my fetish at around 11 years old, that was the earliest I remember looking up belly play videos on YouTube lol so I've had this fetish a looooong time as I'm 25 now, but I flip between being enamored by it to then being so full of self loathing and hating myself for feeling this way? It's honestly making me miserable

My whole entire life fat has been associated with bad, my whole family make fun of fat people and I was put on a diet when I was 9/10 years old, in my mother's words, "so I didn't get bullied in high school" 

I wouldn't change anything about my life, because I've met some of my dearest friends through my years of personal training and being so involved in fitness. I still love training. But I just feel so sensational when I am full and chubby, but also like it goes against everything I've ever known. This fetish is part of me I doubt will ever change, not that I want it to change, but a few days, weeks, months of indulging my fantasies and a switch flips back and I need to get fit again, need to lose weight. I got to my heaviest weight while here on curvage last year, felt amazing and then come January I was dieting, lost it all which took 5 months and I've gone 'off' the rails the past 3 weeks and gained most of it back. I just can't get out of this cycle. 

Does anyone else deal with the self loathing? How do I let go? Has anyone ever spoken to a councillor? 

I just want to be happy... And fat 😆 

Any advice would be really appreciated, I may start posting on here again just for encouragement and support 🤗

 

Most of what I could say here would only echo what others have already touched on, instead I will tell you how impressed at your courage I am with this as it is often a social taboo, but since the pandemic the body positivity movement has taken a boost as so many for the time found themselves heavier after the quarantine and realised it was ok, influencers online that have chosen not to loose the weight that for the first time they feel free, you are as beautiful now as you were then and if there comes another point you need to step back thats ok, we do not dictate how you enjoy this side of yourself you do, your pace your limits, as long as your happy its all that matters.❤️

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@CBJai

Not necessarily an 'experience' per se but a (long) perspective...

I'm on the male/admirer side. I'm a former athlete (basketball and decathlon/various Athletics (track and field)) and have also really liked strong and fit girls for much of my life. I've had this fetish (or even just a preference for bigger girls) since I was around a similar age--10-11ish--and have had difficulty reconciling the idea of preferences with lifestyle. For example, I still very much like the idea of going on beautiful, strenuous hikes, doing some amount of sports/rec activities, or other generally more active things with a partner.

What I think I discovered for myself, and perhaps you're the same/similar, has more to do with context/motivation for the preference/fetish than anything else.

For me personally, I've never been too much into the 'slob' side, even though I appreciate the occassional roleplay therein. I like a strong lady, of body, mind, and spirit, and to me this fetish is most about enjoying someone who knows, embraces, and goes after what they want. It's like an extension of personality. I go all kinds of mad crazy over the idea of taking a classy gal to a nice meal so she can *indulge* and fulfill her *wants* and *desires*. I like a girl who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to chase after what she wants. A larger, curvier form is the manifestation of that mantra and majesty.

I like the idea of a still strong and capable companion who's just got some extra meat for some curvy lovin. And don't get me started on the idea of the 'formerly-fit-but-now-gained-but-still-active-and-happy'...

I had an ex partner (mutual and cordial separation) who I was very lucky to be able to share this side of myself with. She was quite fit though had been the 'chubby girl' in high school and struggled a lot with her self image through our time in university together. Her weight fluctuated maybe +-20 pounds max back and forth over our time together but she loooooovvved food and that sort of indulgence aspect and feeding in particular became a key aspect of our arousal. She did like being teased, especially around her tummy, which we gave the nickname of her 'trouble spot'. And let me tell you, there is nothing more teasing around that cusp between fit and chubby like a squeezeable, huggable middle. We were able to enjoy parts of the fetish together which was lovely, but also enjoy doing active things like working out together.

Being healthy and happy is always the first and foremost, but that doesn't have to be mutually exclusive with indulgence and being a bigger girl. If you want to eat? EAT! If you want to work out? WORK OUT! Besides, never a bad thing to have some extra strength underneath the softness, especially if that strength helps to give more shape to that softness! There are lines that each individual is going to have to find themselves but that journey is part of the fun in the end, really.

Maybe the most important part for you could be embracing the 'strong and fit' stripes of your personality with the 'strong and full' ones. The common denominator is a sense of purpose, of want, of *desire*. You desire(d) to be fit, you desire to be full. Follow your desires, wherever they might take you, each and every day, and embrace their manifestation, even if in this case it's a literal manifestation in your body. ;) This is just a deeper dive on the idea of confidence being sexy.

If you've got a partner who makes you feel confident and happy I wish you all the best, and if not I'll wish that you will someday. It's a rare thing but something you seem to deserve :)

And I love these kinds of questions/chats. Keep them coming.

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  • Curvage Model
3 hours ago, 22handman said:

Most of what I could say here would only echo what others have already touched on, instead I will tell you how impressed at your courage I am with this as it is often a social taboo, but since the pandemic the body positivity movement has taken a boost as so many for the time found themselves heavier after the quarantine and realised it was ok, influencers online that have chosen not to loose the weight that for the first time they feel free, you are as beautiful now as you were then and if there comes another point you need to step back thats ok, we do not dictate how you enjoy this side of yourself you do, your pace your limits, as long as your happy its all that matters.❤️

Thank you so much 🥺 honestly it is quite scary. I've overhauled my social media and follow a lot of body positive women now instead of fitness models, which has helped a lot. The support I get here from lovely people like yourself, is appreciated more than I can explain. It really helps. ❤️

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1 minute ago, CBJai said:

Thank you so much 🥺 honestly it is quite scary. I've overhauled my social media and follow a lot of body positive women now instead of fitness models, which has helped a lot. The support I get here from lovely people like yourself, is appreciated more than I can explain. It really helps. ❤️

Thats all that matters babe, with out sounding too familiar, im proud of how far you have come and I wont lie how hot it has become in the comments section 😏😘

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Guest BHMZach

Im a Man so my perspective might be different as the expectations are different in our society, for men and women, and youre attractive but I have found as I’ve gotten older (and bigger) is that it has gotten easier and easier to be me and not the expectation others have of Me.. maybe, it’s an age thing.. 

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Guest ahorsewithnoname
On 6/14/2021 at 3:02 PM, CBJai said:

Does anyone else deal with the self loathing?

boiiiiiiii let me tell ya

If you figure it out, let me know.

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