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Dating people who do not feel confortable with you at your size in public


AnnaOli

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  • Curvage Model

I think that the dating scene for people that are in the plus size and super size threshold, sometimes is a bit hard to enjoy, no matter if we date people inside of our Community or outside, for instance.

I Always had a lot of self confidence, i Always thought of myself as someone hot and gorgeous, but there is one thing, i Always had the impression that, while people online often come to me, talk to me and all, offline, it seems to be Much more difficult for people to make the first move, after i got fatter, double that...

I used to date a person a couple of Years ago that Always told me that i was gorgeous and all that, we had a great chemistry and used to go to a lot of places, but i Always felt that he was always unconfortable with me in public, even though he was clearly an FA... that made me really sad and all, buta t the time, instead of just pressing him, i just let it go and moved on. Later, he started dating a really skinny chick and months after dating her, he came up to me, trying to booty call me while telling me how frustrated he was about the skinny girl. Of course i knew my value and did not let him use me, but after all this time, this made me wonder...

As i grow bigger and god knows i will Only grow fatter, i want to know your thoughts.

Why does it seem so hard for some guys and girls to make the first move and really be confortable in public with huge girls, is it Society? Is it something like fear of judgment? Or what?

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I feel society is probably a pretty big contributing factor. Its so universally ingrained in society that skinny is the beauty standard that even though they may be an FA, knowing they are the odd one out in public by dating a big girl might be a bit much. It really shouldn't matter but most people I think care to some extent about what others think of them, even complete strangers.

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  • Curvage Model

Maybe that's making too easy, but i chime in too that Society and the way our current Medias shape it is a big factor.

Being a big girl and enjoying it is a taboo, being with a big girl is "weird", and as long as industries like the diet industry exist there will be a lot of pressure on us and our partners. BUT that's not to say that our partners get a pass for being uncomfortable around us in the public. If you love s.o, then you love him for more than just their body, and one should always be able to proudly say "That's my partner! She/Her is beautiful and worthy."

Sorry if it's not easy to understand - my english still needs to get better, especially when it comes to complex topics such as this. 🙈

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It's unfortunately an age old stigma born out of humanities constant chase for perfection. Often enough both men and women find it incredibly difficult to enter the big beautiful men or women's dating pool because they're so absolutely terrified of cutting out the people in their lives who wouldn't ever be happy for them. Like mentioned above contributing factors like mainstream media and societal expectations, they very much mould these people who are afraid to think for themselves into judgemental and unhappy members of society.

Personally being an introvert and most of my life very much entertaining myself through my own hobbies and goals, I've found it rather easy to empower myself so that I'm able to live my life without any pressure or fear of the mainstream insecurities. I have nobody else to impress other than myself and a significant other, as for the people in my small social circle, they are deliberately in that circle because they're very close to me and would be happy for me whenever I'd set my heart on anything in life.

Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that it can take a lot of work for some people who aren't as lucky as I am to land myself with a positive mindset and plenty of open-mindedness. There's a lot of people who don't like the idea of thinking for themselves, and there's a lot of people who are just simply too lazy or careless to work on themselves either, hence the typical rebound scenarios like @AnnaOli touched on.

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While I agree with everyone that it's the stigma or social ostracism that these people are subject to, I don't quite go along with those implying that people who don't stand up to the crowd are basically worthless and should be dumped immediately. Especially when they themselves are using endearing words like "honey" and pasting heart emoticons and hinting very strongly that *they* would make for a better replacement.

Apart from that, we all have our flaws, which we can try to overcome. There's this thing called "Interpersonal skills training", which — if led by a competent professional — can bring about the expected change in behavior.

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Guest MX8XV93
On 4/2/2021 at 2:06 AM, SamSmith said:

knowing they are the odd one out in public by dating a big girl might be a bit much

Personally, I actually have fun being the odd one out in public, and sometimes do things in order to intentionally provoke it.  But then again, I'm a fairly disagreeable person and probably far from the norm.  For 80-90% of the human population (at least), this is a big concern.  With that said, I think empathy does demand that someone dating a very big girl realize she is in that situation all the time.

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  • 5 weeks later...

it happens and i do not know precisely why. personally, I have found that reassuring my lady that i find it an honor to be seen with her has made her feel more comfortable. and i hope , will bring her the confidence to shwo her curves and to get a bit bigger, well, a tad bigger if i am honest. 

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The less comfortable you are with your preference, the less comfortable you will be in public. Personally, for me, I think fat is gorgeous and to be celebrated and it matters not to me what anyone else thinks. I will take my fat princess to restaurants, to the beach, to anywhere. I will hold hands with her walking down the street. I will never let her forget how beautiful she is. In fact, sometimes it will make me smile when I see that look from thin women, ala "What is he doing with her?" (A fit man with an obese partner.) 

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15 hours ago, CarlGnarl said:

it matters not to me what anyone else thinks

OK but lo and behold:

15 hours ago, CarlGnarl said:

In fact, sometimes it will make me smile when I see that look from thin women

Maybe it's just not feasible to completely separate oneself from the opinion of others?

Besides, I really don't think the issue here is that, say, I prefer obese women, then I meet some person who says it's wrong, and I instantly try to appease them and am ashamed of my preference, dump my gf and go live in a cave. Remember the last time that guy in the home appliance store told you you'd better get that other refrigerator? No, me neither — most likely because I put it out of my mind a few moments later. And I don't remember myself buying a specific refrigerator just to evade the social stigma of home depot customer assistants. 

So, this begs the question. Can it really be that other people's opinions exert such a powerful influence on our beliefs and feelings? In my opinion, no. What happens is, we have conflicting beliefs, one is "I like fat girls" and another "Fat is sickly, wrong, distasteful etc etc etc". Then, because our ego is built around the first of the two, we mask the existence of the other by saying "Society thinks fat is sickly, wrong, distasteful etc etc etc but I disagree". That's not society, folks, that's the Mr Hyde part of the mind. Which might've been planted in the mind by parents, society etc. but that's a different story. The key thing is not to succumb to this Mr Hyde and recognize that he's the reason you feel ashamed, not the society.

I would even go so far as to say that this conflict is of fundamental to this paraphilia. Many people here agree that a big role in the sex appeal is played by the taboo-breaking nature of gaining or overeating. Now, not so many people realize that this taboo needs first to exist in the individual to be able to be broken. Therefore, there are two sides to the coin: one is admiration and arousal, the other is shame and (in some cases) denigration.

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Sadly, closeted FAs mess things up for those of us who are openly OK with our preference. I'm probably going to say this the wrong way BUT when I am out in public with a BBW or an SSBBW, the bigger she is the more "manly" I feel.  I don't date big girls JUST to feel "manly".  I date fat girls and the fatter the better because that is my preference.

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  • 2 months later...
Guest Weight gain schadenfreude
On 5/13/2021 at 3:14 PM, vpprof said:

OK but lo and behold:

Maybe it's just not feasible to completely separate oneself from the opinion of others?

Besides, I really don't think the issue here is that, say, I prefer obese women, then I meet some person who says it's wrong, and I instantly try to appease them and am ashamed of my preference, dump my gf and go live in a cave. Remember the last time that guy in the home appliance store told you you'd better get that other refrigerator? No, me neither — most likely because I put it out of my mind a few moments later. And I don't remember myself buying a specific refrigerator just to evade the social stigma of home depot customer assistants. 

So, this begs the question. Can it really be that other people's opinions exert such a powerful influence on our beliefs and feelings? In my opinion, no. What happens is, we have conflicting beliefs, one is "I like fat girls" and another "Fat is sickly, wrong, distasteful etc etc etc". Then, because our ego is built around the first of the two, we mask the existence of the other by saying "Society thinks fat is sickly, wrong, distasteful etc etc etc but I disagree". That's not society, folks, that's the Mr Hyde part of the mind. Which might've been planted in the mind by parents, society etc. but that's a different story. The key thing is not to succumb to this Mr Hyde and recognize that he's the reason you feel ashamed, not the society.

I would even go so far as to say that this conflict is of fundamental to this paraphilia. Many people here agree that a big role in the sex appeal is played by the taboo-breaking nature of gaining or overeating. Now, not so many people realize that this taboo needs first to exist in the individual to be able to be broken. Therefore, there are two sides to the coin: one is admiration and arousal, the other is shame and (in some cases) denigration.

I completely agree with this take. The taboo aspect is one of the main attractions both for girls who want to get fat and for the men who admire her, but that same taboo is what soemtimes makes it "embarrassing" both for fat girls and FAs. It's a vicious circle, but ti's part of what makes it exciting.

I would say to the OP, if you feel that little sting of embarrassment too you can both enjoy it together. If on the other hand that's an annoyance to you speak up and make your feelings known.

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I was in a 6 year relationship with a big girl that ended up a really big girl (200 up to 400 lbs) and we definitely got our fair share of weird looks from other couples because I'm a pretty small guy at 5'6" 135lbs. 

I don't know exactly how she felt about the size difference, but I know from my perspective I was a little ashamed at first of being the little twerpy dude with a big beauty. When we first started dating she was a little over 200 lbs but she was stereotypically pretty, cute face, big butt, huge boobs. There were always guys drooling over her and I felt unworthy of such a girl when there were plenty of big, strong guys that wanted her. 

As one might imagine, as she gained weight she became less attractive to the large portion of the population that goes for average sized women with nice "assets". She ended up growing a massive belly, and her big booty grew into a double wide. Her perky double D's turned into huge sagging breasts that layed on top of her mountainous stomach. I found it extremely hot, and I think it ended up making us both feel better in the relationship because we were both the "odd ducks out". I was the skinny, twerpy guy, and she was hugely fat. I think we actually got more respect from other couples as she grew through the 300s.

 

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On 7/26/2021 at 11:33 PM, bellyluvr said:

I was in a 6 year relationship with a big girl that ended up a really big girl (200 up to 400 lbs) and we definitely got our fair share of weird looks from other couples because I'm a pretty small guy at 5'6" 135lbs. 

I don't know exactly how she felt about the size difference, but I know from my perspective I was a little ashamed at first of being the little twerpy dude with a big beauty. When we first started dating she was a little over 200 lbs but she was stereotypically pretty, cute face, big butt, huge boobs. There were always guys drooling over her and I felt unworthy of such a girl when there were plenty of big, strong guys that wanted her. 

As one might imagine, as she gained weight she became less attractive to the large portion of the population that goes for average sized women with nice "assets". She ended up growing a massive belly, and her big booty grew into a double wide. Her perky double D's turned into huge sagging breasts that layed on top of her mountainous stomach. I found it extremely hot, and I think it ended up making us both feel better in the relationship because we were both the "odd ducks out". I was the skinny, twerpy guy, and she was hugely fat. I think we actually got more respect from other couples as she grew through the 300s.

 

That sounds like heaven - dating a merely chubby woman and watching her blow up to acquire "a massive belly, and her big booty grew into a double wide. Her perky double D's turned into huge sagging breasts that layed on top of her mountainous stomach."

 Mine have only gained 20-40 pounds. I know it's not PC but I also find this hot: "As one might imagine, as she gained weight she became less attractive to the large portion of the population that goes for average sized women with nice "assets".

Eating herself out of her looks, I mean, but YOU still find her as beautiful as the day you met, and that's all that matters. Very romantic! I hope I find this one day.

You guys broke up? What happened, if I may ask?

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest BHMZach
On 4/2/2021 at 12:31 AM, AnnaOli said:

I think that the dating scene for people that are in the plus size and super size threshold, sometimes is a bit hard to enjoy, no matter if we date people inside of our Community or outside, for instance.

I Always had a lot of self confidence, i Always thought of myself as someone hot and gorgeous, but there is one thing, i Always had the impression that, while people online often come to me, talk to me and all, offline, it seems to be Much more difficult for people to make the first move, after i got fatter, double that...

I used to date a person a couple of Years ago that Always told me that i was gorgeous and all that, we had a great chemistry and used to go to a lot of places, but i Always felt that he was always unconfortable with me in public, even though he was clearly an FA... that made me really sad and all, buta t the time, instead of just pressing him, i just let it go and moved on. Later, he started dating a really skinny chick and months after dating her, he came up to me, trying to booty call me while telling me how frustrated he was about the skinny girl. Of course i knew my value and did not let him use me, but after all this time, this made me wonder...

As i grow bigger and god knows i will Only grow fatter, i want to know your thoughts.

Why does it seem so hard for some guys and girls to make the first move and really be confortable in public with huge girls, is it Society? Is it something like fear of judgment? Or what?

If I’m being honest I’ll tell you I have a hard time period I mostly keep to myself and am reserved, I don’t go out much but when I do I’m looking for bigger girls exclusively — it seems like you ladies aren’t out much either! Totally 100% would not be embarrassed with a big lady regardless of setting 

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