Weight gain encouragement: empowerment or manipulation?

[PreyToGod]

I recently disclosed my body preferences (for chubby figures...minus the emphasis on bellies because that would derail the whole conversation) to a fit gym girl (I see a lot of them being a gym junkie myself) and  told her how ideally I'd like a girl who doesn't really workout or watch what she eats, and she replied more//less  'but if you actually cared about someone why would you try to discourage them from doing something that's literally healthy and makes them feel good about themselves?' and that obviously isn't my intention, so I argued a bit about how societies expectations are more crushing  and how the girl would feel good about herself for defying the standards blah blah , but then it got me thinking...she's got a pretty irrefutable point...

There seems to be a not so thin in theory but dangerously thin in reality line between..

empowering whoever you're with to feel confident in her body, in doing away with their diet and gaining some pounds because she knows you'll find her sexy for it, but being fully receptive to their thoughts and feelings towards it, mindful of their health, and willing to acquiesce if they decide they no longer wish to continue down that path...

vs

basically manipulating them into gaining to fulfil your fetish desires, and perhaps gaslighting them into thinking they want it or they're superficial for not doing so - without real concern for their physical or mental wellbeing 

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The former is arguably a positive - a breath of fresh air after being oppressed by these ruthless societal paragons of beauty - and that's not being dramatic, every girl I've ever talked to about it on a deeper level has admitted that they dislike their bodies (some of which had conventionally fantastic bodies) and hate dieting and don't enjoy rigorous exercise, but feel they have no choice. However, whilst it may be liberating in theory, it's still fair to say that most will still feel like straight up lazy pieces of shit for deliberately doing away with their diet and a rigorous exercise routine - that's basically symbolic of losing willpower and fortitude in todays world - plus you physically feel better when you're fit and eating healthy. 

But I feel that can actually be a slippery slope into the latter...

Just using somebody. Straight up. it's not based on underlying respect or a desire for them to feel more confident and secure - and it's unfortunately something I see a lot of in this community (thinly veiled as encouragement but that's another story), and something I could not live with myself for doing. 

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But that's all a preface for these quandaries

Do you think it's truly possible to encourage someone who does not have a weight gain fetish, to gain any substantial amount of weight without crossing that line?

To do so in a way that's genuinely an attempt at liberating them from harsh societal beauty standards, not just some sanctimonious attempt to justify fetish related bullshit?

What...the fuck...is one to do if all they've known is attraction to weight gain and/or chubby girls, but they want a partner who is mentally and physically as healthy as possible, is not inherently lazy, and has not had to make any serious compromises for them? 

 

 

P.S.

This is more than just telling your partner 'I love girls with curves' or something to that effect, I'm talking about actually encouraging them to say drop their diet, rigorous exercise routine 

Also, I'm all for people going an extra mile to please their partners - and it happens regularly with respect to sexuality and sexual preferences - but weight gain is so insidious - it will effect every aspect of their life to a significant degree - so I'm finding it very hard to justify at all. 

 

[Guest high]

Just being a bbw admirer puts you in a group shunned for admiring those who defy societal recommendations.

There will always be supporters of a movement who are more zealous and ignore any detriments, current events included. There's a reason these zealots are called deathfeedists.

Now, if you and your SO can't handle the softer side of feeding, maybe one or the both of you are not right or ready for feedism. 

Besides, who goes to a gym, which already has exercise zealots in it, and tries to convert them??

[Guest gorJESS]

1 hour ago, PreyToGod said:

Do you think it's truly possible to encourage someone who does not have a weight gain fetish, to gain any substantial amount of weight without crossing that line?

To do so in a way that's genuinely an attempt at liberating them from harsh societal beauty standards, not just some sanctimonious attempt to justify fetish related bullshit?

What...the fuck...is one to do if all they've known is attraction to weight gain and/or chubby girls, but they want a partner who is mentally and physically as healthy as possible, is not inherently lazy, and has not had to make any serious compromises for them? 

1. Absolutely. 2. Yes. I can't speak for everybody but I can usually tell when someone is being genuine versus manipulative. Honest communication is key. 3. You may have to search far and wide but those people do exist. ✋ 

[Guest grateful]

This is a great topic and i have been though this over and over in my life including beating myself over the head for desiring that my love interest be in an "unhealthy" state.

What's missing here are the parameters of being in a loving relationship.

My experience is that I will do anything for my lover, especially since their pleasure seems more important than my own.

(or I should say that their pleasure has become mine-there is no sacrifice in that process)

All my SO's gained significant weight-and there was no inquiry into it-and no complication-it just came from love.

[boss frond]

It's not a thin line, you are right about that. You should never manipulate anyone into gaining weight. There is also no need to take a thin woman who is not interested in the fetish and encourage her to overeat or to eat unhealthy foods or to stop engaging in a healthy amount of exercise if that is an activity she enjoys! Just date someone you are attracted to and allow them to live their life.

[bigorange3]

This is a great question, and something I find myself thinking about all the time. So, these are my thoughts, and I welcome criticisms because it's a complicated subject and I ultimately want what's best for everyone involved.

Generally, I feel this community way too often hides the fetish behind the visage of "empowerment". Take a look at the FatCelebs or Plus Size Model subforums, and you see it all the time. Any time a model or celeb loses a few pounds, you rarely have someone say "well, I'm not as attracted to them anymore, but good for them. They must have wanted this." Instead of being happy for those people for accomplishing their goals, or simply being satisfied with the totally acceptable fact that person is no longer as physically attractive to you, you more commonly see people actually call these models/celebrities frauds in the body positivity movement, all because they lost some weight. That is absolutely fucking insane. I fear these people are doing the same thing in real life--acting as though they're part of some social movement, or acting like they have their partners' best interests in mind, when the reality is they're being manipulative in their sexual fulfillment.

I know the anchor of this conversation is the specific fetish of feederism/weight gain and the health implications, but I've found it helpful to take a step back and scrub that specific aspect from the conversation. Relate instead to a generic, harmless fetish. Feet, latex, balloons, etc. I consider these fetishes harmless because, unlike weight gain, these fetishes can be acted on and contained in the bedroom and don't physically follow your partner 24/7. 

Let's consider you had one of these fetishes instead, and for whatever reason, your partner had a serious objection to partaking in related activities. Knowing this, should you still encourage these acts? No. 

It's been helpful for me to take this perspective for a few reasons:

1) It tells me that even something as benign as a foot fetish should not in any way be pushed onto a partner who's not into it. So, when we raise the stakes and think about weight gain--something which can have adverse effects mentally and physically--it becomes clearer to me how hard it would be to act on this fetish in real life without it being manipulative. 

2) There's all sorts of fetish content all over the place, now more than ever before. While that has pros and cons, we can't ignore the certain negative impact it's had in swaying many peoples' perceptions of what a normal, healthy, sexual relationship looks like. We see so much fetish content that it makes us feel like it's easily attainable in an actual relationship, or it washes away some of the concerns of pushing this onto someone outside of the community. In a lot of ways, thinking about this has really curbed my enthusiasm about fulfilling this kink in a real, long-term relationship.

So with those considerations in mind, I want to address your questions as it relates to my own experiences. I'm 28. I'm currently in what I consider my 3rd real relationship (2+ years). Those 3 women know about my feederism/weight gain "kink" (probably another conversation completely, but I call it a kink v. fetish since I don't need it to be sexually aroused). This hasn't come up in any of my shorter relationships since I usually wait a bit to drop that bomb (which one could argue is probably wrong of me). All 3 women are outside of the community and are not turned on by this kink, but consensually played along at varying degrees from time to time.

7 hours ago, PreyToGod said:

Do you think it's truly possible to encourage someone who does not have a weight gain fetish, to gain any substantial amount of weight without crossing that line?

I think this is possible, but I think it takes both you and your partner. This might not be only about what you do. You can have her best interests in mind and truly keep behind that line, but consider the possibility that even mentioning this fetish/preference could have psychological impacts on certain people. Even if your partner never gains a pound and you totally support that, there are people who will never get over knowing that you'd find them more attractive if they gained weight. In such an instance, you've done everything you can to stay behind that line and you've been completely ethical, but you've still put something in the back of their mind forever. This shouldn't prevent you from being honest and open, but such an instance would clearly make you incompatible.

7 hours ago, PreyToGod said:

To do so in a way that's genuinely an attempt at liberating them from harsh societal beauty standards, not just some sanctimonious attempt to justify fetish related bullshit?

This is really challenging for me. I think it's possible, but similar to the above, this is more than what you do--it's also dependent on how your partner receives the message. Let's also keep in mind harsh societal beauty standards don't begin and end with bodyweight. It's skin, hair, body hair, makeup, fashion, etc. Is this about liberation, or is it just convenient? If she instead stopped shaving her legs, do you still push this agenda? 

8 hours ago, PreyToGod said:

What...the fuck...is one to do if all they've known is attraction to weight gain and/or chubby girls, but they want a partner who is mentally and physically as healthy as possible, is not inherently lazy, and has not had to make any serious compromises for them? 

First, I think we probably should separate weight gain and chubby girls. There's loads of chubby women out there who are confident in their bodies and understand men have a preference for their type (though maybe don't want to be "fetishized" for it). You might not find many who are into the specific idea of gaining weight. If we're just talking chubby women who are also exactly as you've described, I don't think that's at all out of the question, and you just have to keep getting after it. The weight gain part is what I suspect would be the challenge. Again, let's scrub away the specifics here and just take a look at the number of check boxes you've mentioned above. You're looking for a very specific person. In that instance, it's not so different from someone else trying to find a partner who has perfect feet, is willing to spend money and effort into keeping them pristine, will engage in what ever foot stuff, is mentally and physically as healthy as possible, not lazy, etc. It's possible to find someone like this, but if you're looking for a real lifetime partner, your "perfect" person may end up being someone different from what you now have in mind. This sounds pessimistic, but it goes back to earlier comments about the abundance of fetish content possibly swaying what we think we need in a partner. Assuming you struggle to find someone who checks the weight gain box, you just have to measure how important the fetish is against all the other things you find important in a partner. 

I've not structured this nearly as well as I hoped, but I've already spent too much time typing it up, and I fear few will read it and react to it anyway. Again, I'm very open to any criticism/response as these are only my opinions based on my own experiences. I don't know what the right answer is and I want to take all things into consideration since this is a sensitive conversation and I don't think we talk about it enough as a community.

Thanks for making this thread.

[PreyToGod]

14 hours ago, boss frond said:

It's not a thin line, you are right about that. You should never manipulate anyone into gaining weight. There is also no need to take a thin woman who is not interested in the fetish and encourage her to overeat or to eat unhealthy foods or to stop engaging in a healthy amount of exercise if that is an activity she enjoys! Just date someone you are attracted to and allow them to live their life.

Of course, but it makes matters more complicated when 

a) you're attracted to the gaining process so ideally wouldn't want to meet someone who's already as chubby as you'd like them to be

b) I'm a guy who really values fitness and healthy eating, so I can see those sort of values transferring to whoever I'm with soon enough - unless they're genuinely happy gaining weight. I could see it making them more self conscious too. Like they'd probably be thinking that society is thinking 'your partner clearly exercises a lot, why the fuck can't you?' , whether or not that's the case. 

But yeah  I'm probably overthinking this now

[PreyToGod]

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9 hours ago, bigorange3 said:

consider the possibility that even mentioning this fetish/preference could have psychological impacts on certain people. Even if your partner never gains a pound and you totally support that, there are people who will never get over knowing that you'd find them more attractive if they gained weight. In such an instance, you've done everything you can to stay behind that line and you've been completely ethical, but you've still put something in the back of their mind forever. This shouldn't prevent you from being honest and open, but such an instance would clearly make you incompatible.

Yeah that's true. 

I haven't mentioned it to many girls before - but of those who I've told I have a preference for chubbier girls, their reactions weren't great. Basically

"oooh so that's why you're talking to me?" (She wasn't chubby herself but I can see that being the first thought that a lot of girls have) 

"that's sweet but I still plan on getting ripped because I promised myself that I would"

"I agree ripped girls aren't sexy, I'd love to gain weight if it all just went to my ass and boobs"

Fair enough, not sure what else I was expecting really.

I do look around at couples where the girl is chubby and it frustrates the fuck out of me because I know (Well 99.999% certain) that guy would prefer that she was in better shape, and she probably feels self conscious and never gets told how sexy her curves are etc.

Maybe I've just had bad luck but it seems like the less physically attracted to someones body I am, the more interested in me they are lol, I guess you can't blame gym girls for assuming that a gym guy would be into them. 

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10 hours ago, bigorange3 said:

This is really challenging for me. I think it's possible, but similar to the above, this is more than what you do--it's also dependent on how your partner receives the message. Let's also keep in mind harsh societal beauty standards don't begin and end with bodyweight. It's skin, hair, body hair, makeup, fashion, etc. Is this about liberation, or is it just convenient? If she instead stopped shaving her legs, do you still push this agenda? 

Good point. Body shape and weight isn't the only example of a societal beauty standards, although it seems to be a particularly significant one. It's true, I'd be a bit repulsed if she stopped shaving her legs for instance, so perhaps even the notion of liberating someone is justification for pushing your own desire onto them. But I would like everyone to feel as confident and secure in themselves as possible, so I still feel like there are good intentions there. So maybe the answer is not pushing them to gain a whole lot of weight and stuff their face every day, but letting them know that you find curves very sexy so they don't need to feel pressured to maintain some toned physique through a bland diet and rigorous exercising. 

But that leads to another question - if they say they want to be toned and fit as a fiddle, is it worth staying with them?

Maybe the more noble thing would be to part ways and find somebody who seems genuinely happy in a softer body, instead of being in a relationship with someone you're not entirely attracted to, and may be tempted to try and persuade them to gain in the future. Then when you throw personality into the equation, which is just as important, things become even more complicated. Because at the end of it all, I would rather be with someone who I enjoy being around, than somebody with my ideal body who's personality I don't enjoy.

 

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10 hours ago, bigorange3 said:

I've not structured this nearly as well as I hoped, but I've already spent too much time typing it up, and I fear few will read it and react to it anyway. Again, I'm very open to any criticism/response as these are only my opinions based on my own experiences. I don't know what the right answer is and I want to take all things into consideration since this is a sensitive conversation and I don't think we talk about it enough as a community.

I appreciate your insightful response as well.

Too many people in this community cower away from the darker side of it all. 

They like to pretend its just a harmless little kink where they get to encourage girls to accept their bodies and defy society, so really they're the good guys in their heads, but as we know that's some casuistry...

Just because you didn't ask to have a kink or fetish doesn't mean you can just go wild with it without truly considering the impact it has on other people. 

But anyway, there's a lot more I would look for in a longterm (or short term) partner than the physical, but of course you need to have that certain degree of attraction. It's just hard to know at what point you should compromise, and about being realistic with such specific qualities I'm looking for. 

There's no clear solution to any of this, but discussing it helps to clarify some things, since It's not something I've discussed in much depth before. 

 

[Guest grateful]

@bigorange3  Great post, well thought out and it begs the response:  that's why we are here.  As one popular ssbbw put it to me once with regard to dances, parties, chats, pro fat sites and conventions:  meeting people under those circumstances makes things a whole lot easier. Everyone knows.

For me, and I am only sharing my knowledge of myself, your mileage may vary, I reached a point in my life where I must be honest about this and should not waste anyone's time if they don't at least have "a fat head" i.e. have fat appreciation even though they may be thin.

I think our situation is classic and has been repeated throughout history with hair, breasts, stature, etc. only I disagree with fa ism being a fetish:

I have never been aroused by a can of Crisco and always my thing comes up in relationship and is greatly amplified in a love situation.

I have learned not to make myself or another crazy with this, even if it means I may have lengthy social dry spells.

Great thread, thanks!

[extra_m13]

Do you think it's truly possible to encourage someone who does not have a weight gain fetish, to gain any substantial amount of weight without crossing that line?

To do so in a way that's genuinely an attempt at liberating them from harsh societal beauty standards, not just some sanctimonious attempt to justify fetish related bullshit?

What...the fuck...is one to do if all they've known is attraction to weight gain and/or chubby girls, but they want a partner who is mentally and physically as healthy as possible, is not inherently lazy, and has not had to make any serious compromises for them? 

those are good questions and i will try to give my opinion on those, i am sure more than one FA has asked himself the very same more than once or lived through some kind of predicament. i have been there trying to manipulate one lady, no exercise, eat more, send me pics, trying to make her into what she was not, she was not skinny but definitely not someone who had a tendency or intention to gain weight and celebrate it. with another girlfriend a very similar thing happened, she did gain a few kilos but she was unhappy about it, i could have pressed for more but you get the sense that these things should run smoothly. so yeah i changed my mind and thought that i should look for the happy bbw that at least is ok with being fat and probably has a kink for curves, eating and probably could gain some weight with intention of doing so. of course in the mean time a lot of questions arose. if you really want that, what kind of life and future could you have ? if you really want to be with a gainer, feede, who is constantly gaining, what will happen in the long term? i am failr convinced that there are some negative sides of reaching some weight and that there is more in life than gaining but oh my it is a powerful feeling to see a lady get fatter. 

personally, i fantasize about juicyjackie, it would be amazing, but at the same time i do not think she can gain forever without compromising on some other aspects of life. so... what am i aiming for at the moment? i would like a happy bbw, gaining and maintaining, but probably not really ever reaching ssbbw estatus, not losing, just staying very fat. even do i have in my to do list to find that super hot ssbbw and have the experience if i am honest.