Feederism vs. the State of my Mental Health

[jarlewski]

[deleted]

Edited November 30, 2021 by jarlewski

[Guest high]

There's a wide swath of how one can experience feedism. On one side, you can share it with your SO and it can be glorious. The other end of it can be dominant and controlling. Your issues are encouraging you to be on the controlling side which, as your breakup shows, is not good when it goes against your partner.

[bangs15]

it's extremely hard to be self-reflective while in the middle of a relationship. there's 1,000,000 tiny pieces of context that influence how both of you perceive yourselves, each other and the world. but at least you had this reflection eventually. i was in a relationship where my originally vanilla girlfriend gained from 190-263 for me. i thought 240 would be enough but once we get there and got comfortable, i only wanted more. in retrospect of that relationship, it was a bit messed up, even though she was willingly going along with it and enjoyed getting fat, we were so immersed in the "culture" of the relationship that looking back, i'm sure we're both thinking, "holy shit... that was a bit much." and i know that if i hadnt broken up with her for my own self-discovery reasons, she would have enthusiastically gotten to 300

[jarlewski]

6 hours ago, high said:

There's a wide swath of how one can experience feedism. On one side, you can share it with your SO and it can be glorious. The other end of it can be dominant and controlling. Your issues are encouraging you to be on the controlling side which, as your breakup shows, is not good when it goes against your partner.

The relationship was really Not Great for the both of us - that was a contributing factor, but not even close to the whole reason why we split. And it's easy to say that the both of us were better for it. (I don't feel like going into it here why the relationship ended, but I ended my story a year before we actually broke up for good.) But I definitely fucked up.

 

4 hours ago, bangs15 said:

it's extremely hard to be self-reflective while in the middle of a relationship. there's 1,000,000 tiny pieces of context that influence how both of you perceive yourselves, each other and the world. but at least you had this reflection eventually. i was in a relationship where my originally vanilla girlfriend gained from 190-263 for me. i thought 240 would be enough but once we get there and got comfortable, i only wanted more. in retrospect of that relationship, it was a bit messed up, even though she was willingly going along with it and enjoyed getting fat, we were so immersed in the "culture" of the relationship that looking back, i'm sure we're both thinking, "holy shit... that was a bit much." and i know that if i hadnt broken up with her for my own self-discovery reasons, she would have enthusiastically gotten to 300

Yeah, I understand where you're coming from. It's all too easy to get caught up in it. (I don't think many of us would be here, or be interested in these things, if it wasn't a distracting level of fun and appealing.) 

Introspection in a good thing in retrospect, even if it's still appealing, is what I was going for with this thought dump.

[extra_m13]

i tried to dominate, and for some time she obeyed. i do think that in the long term it was better for both us to get to a more equal relationship... or to end it. a the domination in my opinion is not the best to have a long and balanced relationship , but it can awake so many strong feelings indeed. 

[Guest Mr Froggy]

Sometimes I think if I could flick a switch and just turn my sex drive off, I'd do it.  I'm a creative guy with many hobbies and I could really do without the distraction of feeling like I need to bang one out every time I see a mildly overweight girl on TV doing the weather. 

I too have had submissive, overweight girlfriends and it really isn't good for making life progress or maintain self control either.  It's too much pleasure... too much distraction... there all the time... even when you don't feel like its responsible to be allowing your fetish to 'come out to play' in that moment. 

I sometimes wish I could just have a thin wife I could magically turn into a fat one when I want to specifically set time aside for sex/stress relief.   I've often joked that I need a slim wife and a fat mistress. 😂

[boss frond]

It's okay to have fantasies be fantasies and to keep those fantasies private. I think pornography can help and hinder that, I'm sure it depends on the circumstances.

[extra_m13]

oh yes, a slim wife and a fat mistress would be a nice very combo! i often think about that too

[Pancakes]

Man, a lot to unpack here, but first things first: it was probably for the best you two broke up, and y'all's feederism jaunt was probably a symptom of larger relationship issues at play.

It's not uncommon for partners to use sex to paper over unhealthy relationship Dynamics, and it seems like that was probably at play. Some people subconsciously (or even consciously) recognize this and use sex to manipulate their partners into staying because of dependency issues.

Further, feederism is probably an escape for you, as it is for me. I've been with several partners where the vanilla sex is just fine, but when times are tough, or when I'm single, I personally tend to delve deeper and deeper into feederism. And it's probably only the symptom of the real problem, so it's up to you to keep reflecting, go to therapy and identify the true issue at play, and then consider whether feederism is exacerbating it.

[jarlewski]

2 hours ago, Pancakes said:

Further, feederism is probably an escape for you, as it is for me. I've been with several partners where the vanilla sex is just fine, but when times are tough, or when I'm single, I personally tend to delve deeper and deeper into feederism. And it's probably only the symptom of the real problem, so it's up to you to keep reflecting, go to therapy and identify the true issue at play, and then consider whether feederism is exacerbating it.

Exactly, yeah.

Having had the time to work on things in therapy since I wrote this (and spending a lot of time doing research on trust issues, post-traumatic growth, and attachment styles), I would say that feederism, for me, is a coping mechanism, though not implicitly adaptive or maladaptive. And obviously, I can make a conscious choice about whether or not there are better or healthier coping mechanisms available to me. (There are, but including that in the original post felt like it might be read as judgmental of others' choices.) I think that is due to past and current introspection, but I don't know. (Could also be a side effect of being exposed to the right things in therapy.) As you pointed out, this is something that can become tightly (and subconsciously/unconsciously) tangled with dependency issues, as it did in that previous relationship of mine.

On 6/10/2020 at 4:27 AM, boss frond said:

It's okay to have fantasies be fantasies and to keep those fantasies private. I think pornography can help and hinder that, I'm sure it depends on the circumstances.

I've never felt that I was doing my partners any favors by keeping things private. For me, the right thing feels like having understanding of and control over my issues, so as not to mess up the relationship (or the other person).