Bluebell's 2019

[swahilimonkfish]

10 hours ago, dania201 said:

Of course. I feel like this story does such a good job of letting us learn about the characters while they are learning about themselves. And they are complex enough that it’s easy to find things to identify with as the navigate through time. 
 

🥰

That's hugely kind of you to say so! I get really worried really easily about this story, in case the people reading think to themselves that the behaviour was unrealistic and 'people just don't act like that'. So, if you find things you can identify with, that is just about the nicest thing I could want to hear. So thank you

[swahilimonkfish]

Final part of November 2020 - sorry it's been a long one, but I had a lot I wanted to say here

November 2020*** Part 8 

Back to the present day

“So, how are you feeling then, anyway?”

Bluebell smiled at the doctor’s innocent question. They had spent the past twenty minutes engaging in all manner of fanciful fun together, and now Callista asks how she is.

“Good. Okay. Better now” Bluebell blushed. She pulled out a cigarette and put it to her lips, before offering the doctor one, who gratefully obliged. It was cold outside and Bluebell was regretting only wearing her denim jacket over her dress.

“Yeah, that was…”

“Wild?”

“Right? Not just me then? Even by the standards of your generation, that was wild, wasn’t it?”

“I think so”

“I mean, I’ve never done role-play before. I mean, there was this one time with Wallace…”

“No offence, but I really don’t want to hear about you fucking your husband”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense” the doctor smiled. “But, anyway, it was for our one-year anniversary and…”

“Oh my god, Callista!” Bluebell said in exasperation. The doctor just laughed. She enjoyed winding Bluebell up, and knew exactly which buttons to press. Bluebell quite liked it too.

“Thanks for calling me Callista, by the way”

“It’s your name?”

“Yeah, but you always call me Doc. It’s like you’re beginning to open up. Emotionally, that is. And, well, physically too I guess…”

“For fucks sake Doc!” Bluebell just rolled her eyes. “Can we change subject?”

“Go on then. So, Bluebell Thomas, what do you want to talk about?”

Bluebell puffed her cheeks out. Further than they naturally were. She didn’t know. She didn’t know what to talk about. She didn’t know what they had in common. Suddenly, she sparked “Have you been watching the election?”

“The US one? No. I may be older than you, but I’m not that sad”

“Oh”

“Oh shit, you watched it?”

“No. I mean, yeah. I guess. But it’s…”

“Bluebell Thomas, you are a weird creature. Sometimes I think you’re still a child, other times you sound like an old woman. Like 13 going on 30, except this time it’s 20 going on 65” Callista said, before taking a drag. She dipped her head to avoid eye contact every time someone walked past them into the reception area, feeling a bit guilty.

The two of them then just stood in silent, before the doctor stepped in again.

“Do you ever… feel guilty? About this? I mean, by all dictionary definitions I know of, I think the term for what we are doing is having an affair and...”

“Umm… I mean, yeah. Of course. Unless you don’t? Do you?”

“Oh, god yeah. Don’t know why I… I mean, I’m married, so if anything it’s worse. And you’re half my age so it’s… there’s moral ambiguity in that too. I don’t want to be… taking advantage of you or anything”

“Taking adv..? I so made the first move”

“That’s not… that’s not how I remember it” the doctor scrunched her face in confusion.

“Yeah, I said if you wanted to meet up the next day and…”

“Yeah, but I had already made the first move by coming out for a smoke with you. I literally re-took up smoking just for you” Callista laughed.

“You care more about me than you care about your lungs” Bluebell smiled smugly.

“It’s the lying I’m finding hardest” and suddenly the smile of Bluebell’s face saw the need to evaporate.

“Yeah, I find lying quite easy. Well… not lying but, hiding the truth”

“That still counts as lying”

“No it doesn’t. It’s just been selective in what you reveal”

“AKA lying”

“No!” Bluebell smiled again. “It’s a… I’ve been doing it for ages. Hiding my eating and my weight gain and my smoking and… quite a lot of things really. But don’t worry, you get used to it”.

“But I don’t want to get used to it?”

“Look, I don’t know about you and Wallace but…”

“I think he suspects” Callista sharply interrupted.

“Bollocks does he”

“Yeah, cos we’ve been so surreptitious about things(!)”

“Surrep… what?”

“Sneaky. It means like subtle and sneaky”

“Well, why didn’t you just say that then? You’re as bad as Bosh with your long words. Anyway, you don’t think we’ve been sneaky?”

“No! Like, we’re literally standing together right now, out in the open”

“Yeah, but we’re not doing anything… fun”

“He smells smoke. On the days you come over, he smells the smoke afterwards”

“Did you blame the cats?”

“Yeah, I blamed the cats. Poor Jezebel, in particular. But he’s not an idiot”

“I mean, he is a man, so he probably is an idiot”

“True. But… he’s been here before. He knows the signs. He suspects. I know the signs. I mean, we can’t even keep the secret from Janet, how can I keep it from the man I’m married to?”

“Yeah, but we had to tell Janet, she’s lovely”

“But my point is… what do I do if he asks? Do I lie to his face?”

“Yeah, durr…”

“Or do I admit it and…”

“And..?”

“Leave him”

“Oh”

“No, that’s ridiculous. We’ve only been seeing each other for three weeks and…”

“You like me that much?”

“I mean, yeah. Do… what about you?”

“Oh, umm… yeah, I think… I’m punching well above my weight with you. And that’s… that’s a lot of weight. Because I’m fat. It’s a… that was a fat joke”

“Yeah, I got it. It was good. Very funny”

“I quite like the lying. Is that… psychopathic? I… it’s a thrill. How do you keep describing it?... Fuck, what was it… ‘naughty’. It feels naughty. I… need that. Because I feel smothered otherwise. Like, Bosh doesn’t mind my bingeing. She does mind, but she pretends she doesn’t. So I don’t have that… naughtiness any more. I try to antagonise her, just eating more and more, just to spite her and… she just smiles”

“That’s all I am to you, isn’t it?” the doctor said, sadly. “I mean, I’m not judging. It makes perfect sense. You’re young and… I’m clearly not. But I’m just a thrill because I’m out of bounds, aren’t I?”

“Isn’t that why you like me?”

“Is it? I mean, I don’t think so. My psychology seminars were mainly aimed at me analysing people other than myself”

“Yeah, I mean… aren’t you sick of it? Doing everything right and everything feeling like shit anyway? This is… the best I’ve felt in years. I tried my best, you know. To ‘grow up’ and do all the boring shit. Hold a job, have aspirations, settle, move in with someone I’m supposed to love. I mean, that’s what I’m supposed to do, isn’t it? But this is the only time I feel alive. Valued. Happy”

“I actually relate to a lot of that. It’s just… I wish I didn’t need to ruin my marriage to feel that way”

The two girls took deep final drags, before discarding their stubs.

“So Blooby, what comes next? With us, I mean”

“More of the same?”

“That is just you in a nutshell, isn’t it?”

Bluebell grinned. It was.
 

[dania201]

I really enjoyed the deep dive update. This is such a rewarding, surprising, and tangible story to follow. 

[swahilimonkfish]

11 hours ago, dania201 said:

I really enjoyed the deep dive update. This is such a rewarding, surprising, and tangible story to follow. 

Thank you so much. And so many of the ideas you suggested months ago inspired this chapter. I remember realising where the story had to go after our discussion. So thank you on that front too

[swahilimonkfish]

A Blue Christmas Special

 

 

December 2020***

Twelve days until Christmas

 

“Check it out now, I’m the funk soul brother. Right about now…” Bluebell sung to herself with her chunky pink headphones on, sprawled out on the sofa in her nightie. As she did, she brought her sausage roll to her mouth and took a huge chunk out of it. Flakes of pastry broke off and fell down, some on the carpet below but most left on her nightie top.

“Blue…”

“...I’m the funk soul brother…”

“Blue… for fucks sake, you’re not even singing a Christmas song...”

“...Check it out now, I’m the funk soul brother..”

“BLUE!”

“Oh… ummm… hey babe” Bluebell said, pulling her headphones off and looking at her girlfriend. “Was I singing too loud?”

“No, I love your singing voice” Bosh smiled, leaning on the doorframe with her arms folded. She’d got her marigolds on from washing the breakfast pots.

“I sound like a dying cat”

“A cute dying cat though. Sort of like… mia-argh!” Bosh imitated a cat dying in a sing-song melody.

“Fuck off” Bluebell laughed.

“I just wanted to say you were in a good mood, that was all. And that I’m glad that you liked your early Christmas present” Bosh smiled as she backed slyly into the kitchen. Bluebell tilted her head in curiosity as she poured herself another glass of port. It was the season, after all.

“They’re so good, Bosh. Thank you. The bass on these… like, really good”

“Is that the technical term? Like, really good?” Bosh smiled.

“I dunno. I’m not a music nerd. And anyway, why is me being in a good mood such a big deal? I’m always in a good mood” Bluebell smiled back, biting into her last sausage roll.

“Well… you are these days. And… since you’ve been so cheery lately. I got you a treat…” Bosh said, slipping out of sight and into the kitchen.

“Oh my god, is it another advent calendar?”

“You’ve… how many of those do you need?” Bosh shouted from around the corner.

“You can never have too many advent calendars. They’re what Christmas is about”

“I’m pretty sure it’s more to do with that Jesus fella. And the chocolate would be so much cheaper if you just bought it separately” Bosh continued from out of Bluebell’s eyeline.

“Yeah, but looking for and opening the little doors is half the fun” Bluebell giggled, pulling her glass of port to her lips.

“You’re such a child”

“No I’m not!” Bluebell huffed, folded her arms immaturely. Her face, a dorky grin, gave her away though. Bosh shook her head in mocking exasperation as she wended her way back into the room. “Anyway, why you acting so sus?”

“I have no idea what ‘sus’ means but...  I got you this as a treat. But… this has to last you beyond just today” Bosh said, pulling the gift back like Bluebell was a puppy.

“I will be a polygon of restraint”

“Nice try… it’s paragon. Paragon of restr… oh fuck, whatever, here you go” Bosh handed Bluebell over her reward. And what a reward it was too. An eye-popping extravaganza wrapped up in wicker. It was a hamper large enough to carry a dog to the vets and, amongst the swamp of straw, was a spectacular array of chocolates and nibbles.

“Oh shit, this looks epic” Bluebell smirked, fisting the last of sausage roll into her mouth clumsily as her eyes boggled before her. “Bring it here then, let me have a proper look at this bad boy”.

“It was the raffle at work. This was the runner up prize, can you believe it? Jeff - with a J - he got a week in Cornwall. Lucky fucker” Bosh continued, but Bluebell wasn’t listening. She was pulling all the various treats out of the hamper and squealing with excitement at each one.

“Fudge! I love fudge. And, oh my god, white chocolate’s my favourite!” she said, taking a bite and rolling her head back in ecstasy.

“I thought dark chocolate was your favourite”

“Yeah, that is too”

“You… you can’t have two favourites”

“Why not?”

“Because there’s only three types of chocolate to begin with. Dark, white and milk…”

“Oh my god, I love milk chocolate. Now, that one is my favourite!” she said, throwing some of the butterscotch fudge pieces in your mouth.

“Try to make it last until Christmas” Bosh smiled, shaking her head in absolute despair.

“But Christmas is twelve days away!” Bluebell said, using jest to veil the genuine grievance that she felt over the issue.

“Just… please Blue. Show some actual restr… where’s the sherry gone?” Bosh sat herself down and picked up the empty bottle.

“Oh relax, there’s some gin in the cupboard” Bluebell said, now putting some chocolate in her mouth with a guilty smile.

“That’s not the point, Blue…”

“It’s that lemon gin that you like”

“Oh. I mean… it’s not really for midday drinking…”

“Oh go on, it’s Christmas” Bluebell smiled at her, as she bit into her chocolate.

“Fine. Fuck it, we can treat ourselves at Christmas, can’t we?” Bosh sighed, picking herself up off the sofa and walking to the cabinet where the booze was kept. “But you better not finish those chocolates before Christmas”

The last line was delivered with a maternal point, but Bluebell just smiled as she put the last chocolate into her mouth.

 

11 Days Until Christmas

 

“Babe… when are you coming to bed?” Bosh said, walking back downstairs in a long nightie that went down to her knees. 

“In a minute babe”

“It’s 2:30 in the morning”

“Yeah, I’ll be up in a minute. It’s just... I’m the imposter and I’m on a rampage”

Bosh sighed heavily.

“Blue, you know I don’t know what any of those words mean, right? Wait, what’s with all this mess?” Bosh sighed, seeing the table absolutely cluttered with rubbish.

The table next to the sofa was overflowing with empty cans, empty wrappers and filled ashtrays. Stale smoke filled the air.

“Oh don’t worry Bosh, I’ll clear it before I come up” Bluebell turned around and smiled at her girlfriend sincerely.

“That’s not the problem, Blue. The problem is… have you ** all this?” she said grabbing a bin liner and began putting all the empty cans and bottles in there.

“It’s not alcohol. It’s lying juice. It helps me lie… speaking of which, hang on a sec babe, I gotta…” and Bluebell switched the microphone on her headset back on. “Well, I saw red running South down the main corridor…”

Bosh rolled her eyes again and picked the bag up and began walking to the door that lead to the back garden where they kept the recycling. Just as she got there, with the black binbag hooked over her shoulder like she was Santa Claus, she looked back over at her girlfriend, whose build was far closer to the jolly gift dispenser.

Bosh sighed heavily, and rested her head on the doorframe. Maybe it was because she was grumpy, maybe it was because she was tired. But she suddenly felt the urge to cry. Head leaning on the doorframe, she could see her girlfriend. She looked huge, just massive, bulging out of her camisole and shorts. She was sitting at the desktop PC that she had bought herself as a housewarming gift out of Bosh’s wages. She didn’t have an accompanying deskchair, she had an armchair. She’d put a further layer of cushions to compensate for the comparative lack of height, and this also helped her with her width issue; namely that she was essentially wider than the arms of the armchair. Her elevated position meant that she could spill out over the sides rather than squish between them. Bosh never thought she’d see the day Blue outgrew a fucking armchair.

But it was also how she sat there, ignorant of how Bosh felt, chatting away without a care in the world. Eating the food she’d promised she’d save until Christmas, drinking the booze they were supposed to share together, smoking the cigarettes she swore she was cutting down on. It didn’t seem malicious, just absent-minded indulging. But, on the other hand, it meant she never really stopped binge eating. Just a train of it, one carriage of bingeing connected to another, from morning until night. Bosh knew it was getting out of hand, but she simply didn’t have the words to tell her without pushing her away. So, instead, she watched her girlfriend eat herself away instead.

With a heavy sigh, she opened the door to the back garden. It was throwing it down, rain heaving from the sky. Bosh was dressed in just a nightie and pink slippers. She picked up the bag, and swung it over her back and stepped out into the rain.

With quick footsteps, she scurried across to the corner where they kept all the recycling. Normally, she would split the bottles from the plastics from the cardboards, but with the Heavens as open as they were, she elected just to just head straight to the bin for household waste. She got there, the skies dampening her fluffy slippers, and began to swing the back from over her shoulders when the bag ripped and everything fell onto the grass.

Bosh kicked the trash in frustration, before just sitting on the wet, muddy grass, and began to cry.

+

It took Bluebell 20 minutes for her to realise that her girlfriend was still out there. First, she won on her PC game, avoiding suspicion from her crewmates and slicing her way to victory. Then she had a celebratory gin and tonic, and finished off her Ben & Jerry’s Gimme S’more pint tub. And then she went into the lobby for another game. And then she realised her girlfriend hadn’t come back in.

Slowly, Bluebell pulled herself up, pushing the crumbs onto the floor, and waddled towards the back door. Out there, in the heart of the downpour, was her girlfriend, just sitting there and sobbing.

Bluebell walked into the kitchen, took a deep swig of the opened London’s Dry Gin from the fridge, along with a handful of biscuits from the cupboard, for strength. Then she grabbed her umbrella, and wandered outside.

Slowly, she walked up to her girlfriend and sat down next to her.

“Hey” Blue said understatedly.

“You came?”

“I came. I’m wet. All of the innuendos” Bluebell smiled, putting the last biscuit in her mouth. Bosh didn’t laugh. “So, what’s up?”

“The bag broke”

“Ahh, shit. I mean, it’s not the end of the world though…”

“This will be our first Christmas together, living together. And it’s going shit” Bosh added, and Bluebell’s shoulders deflated.

“Don’t… don’t say that…” Bluebell said, a little more weakly.

“You finished that hamper, didn’t you? The one I got for the twelve days of Christmas?” Bosh said. No accusation in her voice, just resignation.

“I mean… I mean…”

“Just say it” Bosh said, a little sharper.

“Yeah. But, if it helps, it was really good. The dark chocolate was my…”

“It doesn’t help”

“Look, Bosh. Leave the rubbish. Come in. You’ll catch something, sitting out here in this weather…”

“Yeah, and you wouldn’t want me to have to see a doctor, would you?” Bosh hissed, before turning away.

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter. I’ve gotta go up, I’ve got work in the morning…”

Bosh slowly pulled herself up to her feet, wiping her tears as she did.

“Hey, hold up… give me a hand up, would you? It’s a long way down and…”

But Bosh was already walking off. From behind, Blue could see the garden stain where she’d been sitting in the soft muddy grass.bmi. The nightie itself was soaked through, and clinging onto her cold, pale skin. Blue knew that Bosh was gaining weight again, but from her heavier perspective, the numbers never seemed that big. 164lbs was a lot for Bosh, but it was a world away from Blue. However, seeing her so unceremoniously presented, Blue understood why Bosh considered those numbers to be big. The curves that her nightie hugged looked uncomfortable on her. Slip-slender Bosh looked clunky in her larger size and more ungainly, stodgier. Like comparing a butcher’s sausage to her formerly chipolata build. Blue couldn’t really judge. But she did. Silently.

“Oii, you’re gonna need a shower before you go to bed. And probably a warm up by the radiator. So, if you give me a sec while I get up… unaided because I was ignored… then maybe you should stay up. Have some hot chocolate instead? Or the Glenmorangie?”

Bosh stopped at the door again. The Glenmorangie was a special treat drink, reserved for when the girls were feeling low.

“It’s 2:30 Blue, I have work tomorrow”

“Exactly, it’s 2:30. By the time you’ve showered, dried, warmed up, it’ll be after 3. Once you’ve stopped silently sulking…”

“I’m not silently sulking!” Bosh snapped.

“Yeah… sounds like it. Anyway, by the time you’ve calmed down enough to sleep, it’ll be time to get up”

Bosh stayed silent at this, and Blue continued talking.

“So… instead… how about the two of us order some pizza, snuggle up a little with that Glemorangie, and I show you how to play Among Us”

“Is that the stupid game you’ve been playing?”

“It’s not stupid, as I’ll show you. It’s a game of deceit, and it’s great fun”

“Lying is fun?” Bosh scowled, but Bluebell couldn’t really see her facial expression in the dark.

“Yes, it is. Now come on Bosh. It’s Christmas after all! Now, come over here and help your girlfriend off her arse. I’m not as sober as I thought I was when I sat down and now I’m all muddy” Blue put her hands in the air to be grabbed, and her girlfriend glumly shuffled over to the deed.

10 Days until Christmas

Bluebell was doing what Bluebell did best. Grumbling about Bosh’s alarm going off. She’d buried her head under her pillow in response.

Bosh was doing what Bosh did best. Pretending she wasn’t hungover. It had been 29 hours since she sat down in the garden and cried, and hadn’t spent much of the intervening time without the warm fuzzy comfort of alcohol to heat her throat and muddle her thinking. But, unlike Bluebell, Bosh could power through it.

“Can’t you pull another sickie? When you were younger, you’d skive of uni all the time. Like that time when we went down to the bridge and threw sandwiches at the trains? Waste of good sandwiches… come to think of it”

Bosh sighed and looked over at her girlfriend, still smothered in pillow, despite the alarm now off.

“Blue, that was over two years ago now. We’re not kids any more. This is my job, that’s different to a lecture on Neo-Classicism from a Feminist Perspective”

“Is that a real subject? That sounds more boring than death”

“Yeah, it’s a real subject and yeah, it was more boring than death. Which is why I skived to throw sandwiches at trains with you”

“But isn’t what you do now just as boring? Like, computers and words and shit?”

“Oh my god, Bluebell! Do you really not know what I do for my job?”

“Yeah. Course”

Bosh just folded her arms and stared at her.
“Umm… do you update the company’s Facebook status?”

Bosh threw a pillow at her girlfriend, who had only just come out from under her own.

“I’ll take that as a no?”

“Come on, if you get up, I’ll order us breakfast”

 

+

 

Bluebell and Bosh were sitting on the sofa, leaning over while they ate their morning pizza.

“So, what are your plans today?” Bosh said, with a mouthful of margherita. “And don’t say that fucking game again”

“You liked that game yesterday? I mean, you were constantly sus, even when you weren’t the imposter, but you had fun” Bluebell argued with a smile.

“Yeah, yeah, it was less dorky that I thought. I guess. But still… try not to spend the whole day and the whole evening and the whole night playing that game again” Bosh looked at her girlfriend wryly.

“Fine. I’ll do something else”

“Like, put away the rubbish that’s outside?”

“I was thinking about maybe reading a book on Classicism and Feminism” Blue smirked.

“Neo-classi… oh, whatever. Piss-taker, play your stupid game then. But only after you’ve sorted out the trash outside” Bosh conceded, and Blue smiled victoriously.

Bosh shook her head, realising that Blue had got what she wanted, as she always did. Unfortunately, shaking her head caused some of the pizza to break off in her mouth and fall down her top, causing her to jump up in frustration.

“Bollocks! Mothershitting bollocks!” Bosh exclaimed reactively.

“Hey, relax! You’ve got plenty more blouses”

“It’s a shirt, not a blouse Blue. And… you’re right. I guess. It’s just.. I like this top” Bosh grumbled. It was pin-stripe with blue lines racing down on a white background.

“I must admit, I like it. Especially the red splodge on it…”

“You are such an arsehole, Blue” Bosh grinned.

“It’s very Classicism”

“It’s… the word’s neo-clas… and it isn’t even… you are such a philistine, Blue”

“It’s pronounced Palestine” 

“No, it’s pronounced shut the fuck up, you cheeky bitch” Bosh said with exasperation but also amusement. “I’m gonna go up and grab another top. You? Don’t touch my pizza!”

“I won’t” Blue said, already leaning over to grab a slice.

“Seriously, Blue. No pizza, or I’ll throw you computer out the fucking window like it’s the fucking imposter” Bosh pointed her finger, but her face was still all smiles.

“Fiiiine, I’ll leave your pizza alone. But I’ll have to have my other one then”

“I thought you were saving that for lunch?”

“I was. Until my mean girlfriend tempted me with her pizza and then said I couldn’t have any. So, in a way, it’s actually your fault” Bluebell said, but her girlfriend was already rushing upstairs. She grabbed a slice of her girlfriend’s pizza and then reached for her second box.

 

+

 

Bosh walked down the stairs with a stern look on her face, and Blue’s face burst into laughter.

“It’s the only other shirt I have, and it doesn’t fucking fit” Bosh grumbled as she walked into the main room where Bluebell was sat, and walked in front so Bluebell could see clearly.

“You’ve had a good Christmas” Bluebell shrugged, but it clearly amused her.

The top was one that Bosh hadn’t worn since they moved up, and it was fitted accordingly. An orange and white striped top that rose up with every exhale of breath. It’s tightness meant the outward bulge of her stomach was a defining shape, and protruded as far as her chest.

“I’m fat”

“Healthy”

“Unhealthy”

“Oh relax Bosh, it’s Christmastime. If you’re insecure, why don’t you wear that jacket of yours? I mean, it is winter” Bluebell said, biting into another slice of her pizza.

“Because that doesn’t fit either” Bosh grumbled, sitting on the sofa grumpily. As she did, her top rode up again and she felt the cold immediately, pulling it straight back down instinctively.

“You could pull another sickie? You’ve established the precedent?”

“I’ve played that card already” Bosh folded her arms again in a sulk, only for that also to cause her top to ride up, causing her face to redden in frustration.

“Well, then fuck it. I mean, that’s the Bosh way, isn’t it? Fuck it and fuck them. Go in and not give a fuck. I mean, what are they gonna do, judge you? Oooo, scary! You’re motherfucking Bosh, you don’t care what the 2 Geoffs think” Bluebell asked, starting her final slice.

“Yeah” Bosh nodded, coming around to the idea. “I am motherfucking Bosh. You’re right. I don’t care. It’s a bit tight? Well, it’s Christmas, if you haven’t over-indulged, have you really done Christmas right?”

“That’s my kinda thinking”

“Yeah, that’s not actually that reassuring” Bosh smiled.

“Speaking of which, you decided you don’t fancy those last three slices? I mean, that top’s looking preeeetty tight”

“Fuck off, I’ll eat them on the way. After all, like you said, it’s Christmastime” Bosh said, winking as she grabbed the slices.

“Ouch, hoisted by my own… what’s the phrase?”

“Petard”

“You can’t people that any more, and I was only asking what the phrase was” Bluebell asked, and Bosh looked at her, trying to work out if she was joking or otherwise. Either way, she grabbed the box with the remaining three slices and walked out the door, tugging her shirt down as she did. Bluebell snickered to herself as she did.

And as soon as the door closed, Bluebell reached over for her phone.

“Coast is clear, you can come on over”

 

+

 

“So what appears to be the problem, Ms. Thomas?” the doctor said in a nurse’s uniform.

“Wait… are you supposed to be a doctor or a nurse?”

“Yes”

Dr Callista Karagounis strode in through the door and into the house, with Bluebell walking backwards as she did. Bluebell let out a little gulp.

“Soooo… where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere, Dr Nurse” Bluebell said, her eyes widened as she backtracked further and further. “I think I might have to take my clothes off for you to inspect thoroughly”.

“Very well, Ms. Thomas” the doctor said, a smirk on her lips. “And remember… no biting”

 

+

 

Bluebell and Callista were leaning against one another on the sofa, each with a cigarette burning.

“So… that was fun” Callista smiled, running her hand through Bluebell’s hair.

“Yeah, we definitely put the ‘ho’ into ‘ho ho ho, Merry Christmas’” Bluebell smiled, stubbing her cigarette out and reaching over for her vodka and coke.

The two girls sat kinda awkwardly at this point, just leaning against one another. Eventually, Bluebell interrupted.

“So… how was work?”

“Do you care?”

“Not really, but I feel it’s only polite to ask” and Callista could feel Bluebell smile against her shoulder.

“Well, in that case, it was fine” Callista laughed. “How’s… your healthier habits going?”

“On pause for the Christmas period”

“And when did this pause for the Christmas period start?”

“The day before the healthy eating did” and again, the tell-tale feeling of a smirk on Bluebell’s face, the muscles of her jaw felt against Callista’s shoulder.

“Do you want me to nag or not?”

“Umm… can we hold fire on the actual doctor/patient stuff? Until the New Year. I promise I’ll be good in the New Year” Bluebell said, putting her empty glass down and lighting another cigarette.

“Which new year?” Callista joked and, though the doctor couldn’t feel it this time, Bluebell smiled.

“The one in a couple of weeks. I can be good. I just need the right incentive” Bluebell said, nuzzling into her girlfriend.

“But… let me guess… you fancy being bad in the meantime? What you thinking, an hour of doctor and patient role-playing and then lunch?”

“Other way round, but yeah, sounds good” Bluebell kissed her girlfriend.

“Other way… you can’t honestly be hungry? It’s 11am and you said you had half a pizza for breakfast?” Callista said.

“No nagging until new year, remember? Look, the chip shop’s open, go grab us the usual and then we can worry about my health in the fun way. I just need an outlet for biting since you won’t let me sink my teeth into you” Bluebell said, sitting up and looking at her girlfriend.

“I… I’m sorry about the no hickeys, no biting, no bruising rule. But I’m worried Wallace will find out. How are you doing hiding it from yours?” Callista asked, putting her top on.

“I’m a master liar” Bluebell smiled smugly. “Although… the night before last, Bosh said something strange”.

Callista looked sharply. “What did she say?”

“I can’t remember. I was pretty well liquidated…”

“That’s not what liquidated means”

“...At that point. I just remember thinking she was suspicious. Or knew. But I don’t remember what she said that made me think that. Probably just ** paranoia, cos she’s acted totally normal since then”

“Nicer than normal”

“I mean, yeah, but it’s Christmas…”

“Hmmm” Callista said knowingly.

“No. No. Don’t ‘hmmmm’ that. Being nice doesn’t mean she suspects” Bluebell argued with slight concern.

“Well, you’re the master liar. If you were being extra nice, what would it mean?” Callista said, sitting back down on the arm of the sofa.

“Well… I’m the master liar, so I wouldn’t change my behaviour at all. But… when I’m feeling guilty about… us… one of the things I have to catch myself doing is being too nice. I don’t want to make her suspicious by being extra nice. Like the thing about the cheating husband who buys his wife gifts. If I dote on her, she’d know something was up. But I don’t do that, cos I’m a master liar” Bluebell explained.

“Keep thinking… you’re about to reach an epiphany…”

“So… if Bosh is being nicer than normal… you think she’s cheating on me?” Bluebell’s eyes raged.

“Bingo” Callista said. “I’d know, I’ve been the cheating husband too. Only, I didn’t buy him things, I just stopped griping about him going out with the lads. Started encouraging it. It stopped me feeling guilty and it got him out of the house so I could… well, y’know the rest”.

“Bosh is cheating?” Bluebell’s bottom lip suddenly started twitching.

“Hey, don’t get upset. I mean, you are too” Callista sympathised.

“Yeah, I know. It’s hypocritical. But… why does the thought really hurt then? I’m cheating on her and feel fine, so why am I insulted when she cheats on me?”

“Because all people are hypocrites. Look, she might not be cheating…”

“She spends a lot of time and puts a lot of effort into keeping on the good side of the two Geoffs”

“She works with two people called Geoff?”

“Different spellings. And she got very upset about not looking her best this morning” Bluebell’s eyes drifted off into the middle-distance, dancing on the far wall.

“Maybe… maybe… you should leave her then. I mean, it’s my name on the house deeds, so I can probably kick Wallace out. You could live with me. And… I know that’s ridiculous and too fast but…”

Bluebell’s head couldn’t keep up with the thoughts. Far from the stereotype that time slows down in times of shock and trauma, time actually speeds up. And it was running away from her faster than her brain could compute. Was that why Bosh was crying in the garden the night before last? Was Bosh no longer in love with her? And did Bluebell really have any right to begrudge that, given what she was up to?

“Can I think… about it? I… I’m not sure. I’m not sure I want to find out” Bluebell said, her voice suddenly feeling very dry and croaky. She poured herself a strong vodka and coke and downed it.

“Hey, look. I’ll go get that fish and chip dinner, you just… I’ll be back in 5” Callista said, and left Bluebell to cogitate.

 

9 Days Until Christmas

 

“To be fair, you deserve that headache” Bosh said, as Bluebell grumbled and fumbled for aspirin.

“Nobody deserves this headache”

“I… I haven’t seen you that ** in a long time, Blue. If ever. I tried to ask you what prompted it, but you weren’t really making much sense”

Bluebell closed her eyes slowly. Every blink of them hurt.

“I dunno, Bosh. I dunno” Bluebell said, barely audibly.

“Well, you can have both of the pizzas for breakfast and I won’t judge” Bosh smiled, and Bluebell strained a grateful smile as she sat wrapped in her duvet downstairs on the sofa. Bosh leant in and bit into her pizza.

“You’re being very nice” Bluebell noticed.

“Of course. I’m always nice” Bosh smiled. “Oh, I heard about Keir Starmer on the radio. Letting that woman be racist. Of course, I don’t think it’s really his fault she was racist, and he did argue with her, but I know that’s the sort of thing you have opinions about”.

“Yeah, he’s a prick. Wait, why did you follow a politics story?”

“Oh, I didn’t. Jeff - with a J - is a Tory activist. So he was criticising the Labour man…”

“Jeff…” Bluebell said suspiciously.

“But then Geoff - with a G - considers himself a floating voter and said that was hypocritical given where Boris had steered the party, and that the Labour man did object and the only issue was that he maybe argued too politely”

“Geoff…” Bluebell said suspiciously.

“Fuck, the hangover’s left you monosyllabic, hasn’t it? Well, I’m gonna eat these last few slices in the car on the way to work. You take care of yourself. And have a cheat day. I know every day’s a cheat day for you, but you look like you need it today. You look rough” Bosh said, kissing her on the forehead.

“Rough…”

“Yeah, you’re still fucked. I’m gonna love ya and leave ya, and I’ll see you when I get back. And, when the hangover passes, sort out the fucking trash in the garden. You promised, don’t make yourself a liar…”

“Liar…”

And Bluebell just cuddled up on the sofa and fell back asleep.

 

8 Days Until Christmas

 

“The trash is still out there, in the garden” Bosh said, sharply, walking into the house with her excessively snug jacket from work still on.

“Yeah, but… I’m all the way over here” Bluebell pleaded, sitting on her armchair at the computer as ever.

“Come on Blue, yesterday was a write-off, because of the hang-over. But what’s your excuse today?”

“I was still hungover today. It was my first ever two-day hangover” Bluebell moaned, finishing her JD and coke and then lighting a cigarette.

“No, today’s hangover was due to last night’s drinking Blue. It’s a separate hangover” Bosh said sharply, walking over to the drinks cabinet and pouring herself a stiff drink.

“Top us up, while you’re at it babe” Blue asked.

“Babe? You never call me babe. And fine, but I do so under objection. You look like shit, Blue. Like, you look awful”

“Yeah, neither of my parents were lookers”

“No… I don’t mean you’re not an attractive person…”

“Don’t you?” Bluebell glanced at her girlfriend.

“No. I mean… you need to look after yourself. You look…”

“Awful. I know. I heard you the first time” Bluebell said bitterly.

“No, I…” Bosh put her hand on her head when she saw the boxes. “You had pizza for lunch? As well as breakfast?”

“You didn’t mind yesterday when I did it”

“You weren’t actually in the land of the living yesterday. You don’t have that excuse today”

“I need an excuse to eat pizza?”

“You… are being… challenging, Blue. I’m tired and I come home and find all this shit everywhere and you’re sat at that fucking computer playing that fucking game and you’re so pale they’d let you in an Evanescence concert. And here’s your cigarettes by the way. Try to make these 200 last more than three days”

Bosh threw the back on the desk next to the armchair and walked into the kitchen. Blue just stared defiantly at the screen.

“And Blue, when was the last time you fucking showered?”

“Dunno… yesterday”

“You weren’t physically capable of showering yesterday”

“So the day before then. Which… I’ll admit, isn’t ideal. But I thought we agreed you’d stop nagging me until the new year”

“We never agreed that” Bosh said, looking at her girlfriend in confusion.

“No? Maybe it just felt like it. We should agree on that. An Armistice until the 1st” Bluebell said, finishing her drink.

“Fine. No nagging until the New Year” Bosh agreed reluctantly. “If you sort out the trash outside”.

“I’ll do it tomorrow” Bluebell said, not looking away from her screen. 

“Fine then” Bosh grumped, sitting on the sofa and switching on the TV. “But I’m ordering pizza for tea cos I’m fucking exhausted, and if that doesn’t suit you, then maybe you shouldn’t have had those pizzas for lunch”.

“No, I’m fine with pizzas. And I’ll have a garlic bread with my two” Bluebell said spitefully.

 

7 Days Until Christmas

 

“Help me, Jason. You’re my Jiminy Cricket, you know what I should do” Bluebell said, staring at her phone as she Facetimed her best friend.

“Blue… if I’m your Jiminy Cricket, then you are French Connection UK-ed”

“What?”

“FCUKed, Blue. You are FCUKed. If I, harlot extraordinaire, I am your moral compass in the face of moral turpitude and sexual liaisons, then you are as fucked as the long list of lovers that I currently have on the go” Jason told her, while switching his smoothie maker on.

“Firstly, you only pretend to be a whore for the street cred. And second, what are you making in that smoothie maker?”

“Have a guess?”

“Chocolate shake?”

“Smoothie, Blue. I’m making a smoothie in the smoothie maker. Like, the etymology is a clue. And also, I am not a whore, I’m a slut. But if I wanted to get paid, I could. Cassius would pay through the nose. Or, indeed, any other orifice”

“Isn’t Cassius the straight guy from my leaving do?”

“Yeah, but I’ve cured him of his straightness. What people don’t realise is that Gay Conversion Therapy is therapy that makes you gay. And I, harlot extraordianire, am a one-man Gay Conversion Therapy centre” Jason puffed his chest out with pride, and Bluebell just laughed

“So, what’s the dilemma then, Pinocchio? And I’ll give you my wisest counsel”

“Well… Bosh makes no sense. One day she’s spoiling me with gifts and saying I’m allowed to binge, other times she’s being grumpy for me eating pizza and not doing housework”

“So you think she’s cheating on you?”

“What? Why does everybody say that?”

“Who else said that?”

“So, Doc… Callista, whatever you want to call her. She said… well, she gave me the space to reach the conclusion that she might be cheating” Bluebell pondered.

“Suspicious…”

“Right? And then she asked me to move in with her. Kick out her husband and everything”

“Fuck. So both of your girlfriends are acting sus?”

“And I’m the one acting normal, even though I’m the one doing the backstabbing” Bluebell said.

“Just like you do in every game of Among Us” Jason noted.

“So… what’s your advice?”

“Well, why are you with Bosh?”

“I dunno… habit? Plus… promise not to judge me?”

“Nope”

“Alright, then promise not to verbalise those judgements…”

“Oh, okay. That I can do. I’ll just silently do it, and maybe raise a quizzical eyebrow” Jason giggled.

“Fine. Eyebrows, I can cope with. So… I do enjoy sabotaging her diet” Bluebell said, her voice trailing off as the sentence progressed.

“And you’re not letting me verbalise a response to THAT?!?!?!” Jason said, with pent up frustration.

“No”

“Oh, please!!! I have so many judgements and I didn’t realise I was agreeing to not judging as juicy as that”

Bluebell paused, knocking back the last of her perry cider and then pushing in some more baklava into her mouth. Eventually, she relented, and let him vent.

“Oh, thank God Blue. Cos I have views. Firstly - oh my god. That’s my first take. Second take - oh my god, again. It’s the same as the first take, I know, but I just can’t get over how Oh My God it is. Third take - you devious bitch, I love it. When did Bluebell become so Machiavellian?”

“Ugghh, why does everyone I know use words that are impossible to understand? What, Jase, was that last word and where are people being taught these terms that I swear are not English? Like, that’s one of them German stupid long words that means something like ‘the feeling you get when a tooth falls out and it reminds you of a long-lost child’, isn’t it?” Bluebell complained, while chewing more baklava.

“I mean, that is soooo manipulative and evil. Bluebell, lovely cutey-pie Bluebell, is a stone-cold sabotaging bitch. Oh, that breathes love and fire into my heart, I love it so much” Jason giddied himself.

“Yeah, it’s pretty shitty of me, I admit. But… I’m just pissed off with her. Not for the cheating, I’ve been doing it longer than that. No, just… I dunno. Like, I hate it when she’s so grumpy about my weight. That’s one thing. Another thing, when she pretends it doesn’t bother her, that’s even worse”

“Soooo, when she does or doesn’t acknowledge your weight?”

“Don’t say it like that. You make me sound contrary. It’s different when you experience it first-hand”

“So why are you even with her then?” Jason asked, and Bluebell went to answer when she realised she didn’t know the answer.

“Not sure”

“I mean, you have a pretty good Plan B. She’s hot… she’s a doctor… she’s also a hot doctor. I mean, they’re the big three things you look for in a partner”

“True…”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“She’s… like, I think there’s something wrong with her. She’s been a bit weird about me moving in, a bit over-keen. And it’s weird how she took up smoking within one day of meeting me. Like, why is she trying so hard?”

“Cos she likes you?”

“Yeah, but why?”

“Ah” Jason said, and raising his eyebrows in a quizzical manner.

“I didn’t mean it like that…”

“Oh, didn’t you? You are suspicious of her because she likes you, aren’t you?”

“No”

“Blue, babes, don’t lie to your BFF-forever. We pinky-promised, remember?”

“Fine. Yes, Jason, I’m suspicious because a hot 40-something year old doctor with her own house and a husband that she’s been for ages would risk her career and her marriage for some twenty-something girl who has tripled in weight in less than two years. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh girl, that’s so sad! This is a self-loathing thing, isn’t it? You’re self-loathing again, aren’t you?”

“No” Bluebell huffed, necking her next cider.

“That’s why you’re sabotaging Bosh’s diet. Because you don’t feel worthy of either of them, do you? Is this a weight thing?”

“No. Yes. Maybe. Look, I’m… they’re both really good-looking. Bosh maybe less so now she has a **-belly, but still a catch. And Callista is amazing. Like, what a woman. So why the fuck would they get with some chain-smoking, binge-drinking unemployed lard-arse with zero prospects and supports a party run by Keir fucking Starmer” she ranted.

“I mean, I like him. Better than the anti-Semite before him”

“Oh, don’t you fucking start!” Bluebell said, biting a doughnut angrily.

“Maybe the issue isn’t Bosh and it isn’t Doc…”

“It’s me? Ya think?”

“No, I think… you love both of them. But you can’t love them properly until you love yourself” Jason said sympathetically.

“Which cracker was that nugget of advice found in?” Bluebell snarked, and Jason laughed.

“No, crackers contain jokes, Blue. You’re thinking of Chinese fortune cookies. Anyway, I’m just saying, how can you see them clearly, to know who you want to be with… if you can’t even see yourself clearly? Because, you are amazing Bluebell, and everyone who meets you always comes away thinking it. You are pretty and witty and bright…”

“Are you quoting West Side Story at me?”

“Yeah, but they had a point. Those Sharks. Or Jets. Or whichever one it was… was John Travolta in that movie? I feel like he was”

“Either way, you’re a 300lb woman and everyone drops at your feet because you’re adorable. You’re kind and sharp and so bloody affection-inducing” Jason smiled sympathetically as Bluebell finished her doughnut.

“You know, I’m well over 300 now”

“I must admit, I thought your face was looking a bit…”

“A bit what, Jason?”

“Fluffy?”

“I have a fluffy face?”

“Like, I can’t see all of it on my phone. Which is new?”

“My face is so fat, you can’t see all of it on your phone”

“Well… it is in portrait. It’s fine when I turn it to landscape”

“I fucking well hope so! Imagine having a face too wide for landscape!” Bluebell giggled, despite herself.

“So… what’s the damage? How much Bluebell is there, these days?”

“I don’t know”

“Oh, come on, don’t be coy Blue. I know you don’t like admitting it to Callista or Bosh, but you can always tell Jason” he reassured.

“No… I literally don’t know. They scales only go up to 400”

“Oh”

“Yeah, two weeks ago, I got a reading of 408 and it didn’t sound good then. But I’ve had nothing since but broken sounding clunking noises” Bluebell said, before pausing. Deeply. “Well? Come on, say something…”

“I mean, it’s just a number, isn’t it? You’re only as heavy as you feel” Jason tried to downplay it.

“I feel very fucking heavy. I’m fat, Jase. Like, embarrassingly fat” Bluebell said, sniffling a little.

“400 isn’t… I mean, there’s no exact figure. And you’re quite tall…”

“I’m a short-arse, Jase. Just a fat short-arse”

“Fine. It’s a big number. You’re a big girl. Whoopdy-fuck”

“It’s… affecting my health. Don’t… whatever you do, don’t tell anyone this. Not my parents, nobody. But, sometimes my skin feels… weird. Sensitive, I dunno what the word for it is. And I get out of breath, really easy. Like, I filled up the bin with the rubbish that had fallen out - broken bin bag, don’t ask - and I was sweating by the end of it. And panting. From just leaning over and picking stuff up. It’s… a bit scary. But don’t tell anyone. Please”

Jason went quiet for a second, before answering.

“Fine. But speak to Callista. She’s a bloody doctor”

“Okay. I’ll… speak to her. In the new year. I’m… gonna have a nice Christmas, worry about it later”

“Babes, I think you’re already worrying about it. And your solution to worrying - eating, drinking, smoking - is also the thing you’re worrying about. You see that, right?”

“Stop being such a shrink, Jase. After Christmas. I’ll sort it in the New Year”

“Fine. But… make sure you… y’know… don’t…”

“Don’t what?”

“Drink or eat yourself into the hospital before then” Jason said with concern.

“Fuck you Jason!” Bluebell burst, switching gears in fury. Without a moment's hesitation, she switched the call off and threw her phone away. She could feel her hand shake with fury and shock at the suggestion. Between tears, she poured herself another drink.

 

6 Days Until Christmas

 

“I’m serious, Bosh. You’ve got no more work worries until after the new year now. It’s the weekend, and it’s holiday season. Let’s have some fun” Bluebell pleaded, dipping her spoon into her salted caramel ice cream. They were lying in bed.

“When you say fun…?”

“Just cut loose. Go all out. Leave nothing behind. Until the New Year” Blue was leaning back in the bed while Bosh was sitting up.

“I still don’t understand…”

“Eat, drink, be merry, that sort of thing…”

“I do. I mean, I am. I…” Bosh said. “Is this your way of saying you want me to open the port?”

“I was thinking tequila”

“Mockingbird?”

“What?”

“Tequila Mockingbird? To Kill A Mockingbird? It’s… a book”

“I know it’s a book Bosh. I just didn’t realise you did Dad jokes now” Bluebell smirked, her spoon scraping the bottom of the ice cream tub.

“You’ve finished that already?”

“This is what I mean. We should just cut loose. Go for it. Pedal to the metal”

“Don’t say ‘pedal to the metal’, Blue?”

“Why, do the kids not say that any more? Is… is it inappropriate in some way? Climate denialist or…” Bluebell seemed genuinely confused as she put the empty carton on the bedside stand.

“No. It’s just… you… you remember what I was like when I was pedal to the metal. In the old days. We don’t… I don’t want that any more” Bosh explained, flinching at the thought.

“But that’s my point. It’s Christmas. You don’t have to be Gizmo Bosh for 11 more days. The Bosh Gremlins can come out and play”

“I’m… I don’t like my gremlins, Blue. I worry about my drinking recently as it is and…”

“Please Bosh. For me. It would make me happy” Bluebell smiled.

“It would make you happy?”

“Yes. It would mean the world”

“Okay. Fuck. Pedal to the metal, it is. But you’re gonna struggle to keep up, Blue. I’m warning you. I’ll just grab the tequila…”

“Mockingbird?”

“Y’know, Tequila Mockingbird sounds like a Bond girl” Bosh joked as she walked out the bedroom to go downstairs and grab the tequila, and Blue laughed.

“And grab us another tub of ice cream Bosh!” Bluebell shouted from the bed. “Let’s go all out!”

???? Days Until Christmas

The first thing Blue could feel was the cold of the rain hitting her face, droplets bouncing off her chubby cheeks, and rolling down her chin and onto the grass below. It was this chilled damp that caused Bluebell’s heavy eyelids to strain open.

“Oh fuck”

She couldn’t stand up. Of that much, she was certain. No, her body simply didn’t have the strength. Instead, she crawled to the back door, and used the door handle to pull herself up. On her feet, she leant against the wall and caught her breath. Her head felt pan-fried.

Legs wobbly, she walked into the house, well aware of the squelching of mud underfoot. Continuing to lean against the wall for balance, she dragged mud through along the wall and carpet as the world continued to spin before her. Eventually, she stumbled onto the sofa and faceplanted herself in its cushions with relief. And then she fell back asleep again

 

+

 

Bluebell’s eyes opened again, and focused on the fuzzy outline of a woman, scrubbing the house clean.

“Bosh?” she croaked.

The woman carried on working, putting her marigolded hands back into the bucket of soapy water, and then scrubbing the walls until they were the original eggshell white.

“Bosh? Is that you?”

“Now, who do you think it is?”

“I dunno. Where am I? Am I dead?” Blue slurred. Bosh chuckled a little at that, but then her face stiffened.

“You’re on the sofa, and you’re not dead yet” Bosh smiled facilely.

“Good. I don’t know if Pizza Hut deliver to Hell'' Bluebell mumbled, trying to prise her own eyes open, but they kept falling shut.

“Come on, you mucky pup. Up you get, off your fat arse Blue. I need to put the cushion covers in the wash, since you decided to cake them in mud. Might wanna have a shower and put that dress in the wash too”

The dress in question was a denim dress, not a million miles from what Bluebell used to where, back in the good old days when her head didn’t feel like it was about to erupt. It had pockets and thin straps and had looked good on her a week ago when she first tried it on. She looked less good now, but that was probably the mud.

“...Kay” Bluebell muttered, sitting up and fiddling with her straps to take it off.

“I like you in that dress. You look good” Bosh said, quietly.

“Bit tight”

“It wasn’t when I bought it” Bosh added, sharply.

“Can you give me a hand?” Bluebell said, fairly pathetically. She wasn’t sitting particularly straight, gently wobbling on the spot.

“Come here you pisshead. Now, put your arms up and I’ll pull it off”

And Bosh pulled the top off, and Bluebell sat there in just her underwear.

Bosh looked back at her girlfriend, her eyes squinting from the low winter light and hair with mud woven into it. She sat on the sofa, pooling out in all directions. Her hips were wide and softly cushioned, and her legs were folded with fat. Her stomach, still her most distinctive feature, drooped down like the bin bag that Bosh had carried to the bin that broke, seemingly overflowed and beyond capacity. Her breasts, carried in a bra just to maintain some sort of discipline, still folded downwards. Her jawline was jowly, her cheeks were puffy, and her eyes were listless. And she was covered in mud.

“You really need to clean up, Blue. You look like The Thing from the film...  The Thing”

“Which film’s that again?”

“It’s the one with The Thing in it”

“The wrestler?”

“No, not The Rock… anyway, just clean the fuck up”

“Yeah, in a sec. Need a smoke… where’s my cigarettes?” Bluebell said, looking for pockets and then realising she wasn’t wearing anything.

“Here, box here. Look, you’re cold, wet and naked. Grab a shower and put some clothes on” Bosh pushed.

“Wet and naked is the name of my sex tape” Bluebell smiled, mentally high-fiving herself. She then began rummaging for something to eat on the table in front of her, settling upon an uneaten pizza. She grabbed the first slice and put it in her mouth.

“Oh, trust me Blue, you’re not hungry” Bosh said sternly.

“Oh, trust me, I am” Blue smiled, mainly to herself, as she launched into another bite. Bosh didn’t say anything.

“What day is it? I… my memory’s not as sharp as a fiddle at the minute”

“The saying’s either sharp as a tack, or fit as a fiddle” Bosh corrected. “And Monday. Today is Monday”.

“Fuck yeah. Blacked out the entire weekend. Sign of a good weekend” Bluebell chuckled, finishing the first slice.

“What… was the last thing you remember?”

“Asking you about pedal to the metal on the Friday night. My headache tells me that it’s so far, so good”

“So far?”

“Yeah, we said until New Year. If it’s still the Monday, then that’s the… what, 21st? So yeah, we’ve got a long way to go. Shall we order in?”

“You’re literally eating pizza right now”

“I know, but for after” Bluebell replied as if that answer was the most normal answer in the world.

“Fuck, sure. I’ll order more pizza. How many do you want, three? Four?” Bosh said with a cynical eye-roll.

“I can have four pizzas?”

“No! I was taking the piss. You can have two” Bosh sighed, reaching for her phone.

“And a garlic bread?”

“Sure, whatever”

“And what are you having?”

“I’m… good. Thank you”

“Bosh… pedal to the metal. You promised me”

“Yeah, I’m thinking about breaking that promise to be honest, Blue” Bosh said, quietly.

“You’re acting weird. Cut it out, order yourself a pizza, and let’s open the gin that Aunt Sally got us”

“We drank it”

“The bourbon from Mandy and Pete?”

“Gone”

“The whiskey from…”

“All of it, Blue. We’re cleared out”

“In two days?” Blue asked, confused.

“No. In nine days. It’s not Monday the 21st. It’s Monday the 28th. For crying out loud Blue, we’ve been blackout ** for nine days straight, including Christmas. A proper Christmas, together, as a couple” Bosh snarled. Her nervous energy suddenly felt more like angry energy

“What about the cider from…”

“Didn’t you listen to a word I said? No booze left! And it’s the fucking 28th!” Bosh’s voice raised to a shout, causing a vulnerable feeling Bluebell to wince and let her hands drift to her ears.

“So… just the one pizza for you then, is that what you’re saying?” Bluebell said, eating a slice from the old pizza.

 

+

 

“I nearly swallowed my tongue?” Bluebell asked with shock. Her headache and wobbliness felt a lot better with food in her stomach.

“I dunno. I thought you had. You were passed out on this sofa and… I remember trying to call for an ambulance… and failing” Bosh told her between sips of water.

“You failed?”

“Yeah, I called 1-2-3 instead of 9-9-9. Fuck knows why”

“What’s 1-2-3..?”

“The talking clock. I ended up telling the talking clock that you had swallowed your tongue” Bosh admitted, and Bluebell smiled that contagious smile of hers.

“And what did the clock say?”

“...The time. It’s not sentient, Blue. The talking clock tells you the time” Bosh shook her head and sipped her water.

“Fuck!” Bluebell laughed. “You must have really heavily put the pedal to the metal, Bosh. Thanks. I appreciate it”

“Don’t thank me Blue, seriously” Bosh said bashfully.

“No. Seriously. That was really nice of you. It means a lot”

Bosh squirmed awkwardly. “Whatever”.

“Hey, why you not eating your pizza?” Bluebell asked, ramming another slice of her own into her mouth.

“Dunno, not hungry” Bosh said, taking another sip of water. She had pulled the armchair out away from the computer and into the main room, so she could sit down and allow Bluebell the sofa to herself.

“Is… this your way of saying ‘pedal to the metal’ time is over?”

“Yeah, yeah it is, I guess. It’s over” Bosh said, taking another sip and not making much eye contact. Blue looked at her girlfriend suspiciously, while taking a bite out of her pizza.

“Well, if it’s going free…”

“Yeah, sure Blue. Help yourself” Bosh pushed the box over to her girlfriend.

“Really? You don’t mind?” Blue smiled, layering a slice of Bosh’s pizza onto her own and eating both at the same time.

“Would it matter if I did?”

“Don’t be like that Bosh”

“Like what?”

“Grumpy. Weird. You’ve been weird ever since I came to”

“Came to? You mean woke up from being passed out in your own garden, on muddy grass while it rained, and then crawled, at one point literally, to the sofa, dragging mud through the house that I had to clean up, and then collapsed on the sofa, in just a dress, still covered in mud, and then refused to shower?” Bosh’s voice rose again. Her entire presence felt barely on its leash, straining to snap at every word.

“Fuck off, I didn’t refuse to shower. I’m just having these first”

“Sorry, I forgot every hour is pizza hour”

“What is your problem, Bosh? Because, sometime it feels as though you’re enabling me, and other times it feels as though your taking the fact that you’re enabling me out on me”

“I… just… don’t Blue. I’m not looking for an argument. Just eat your fucking pizzas. Or don’t. Like I give a fuck”

“Yeah, you don’t sound like someone who doesn’t give a fuck” Bluebell replied, snarling slightly with every bite out of pettiness.

Bluebell silently tucked in, while Bosh hugged herself to keep warm. Bluebell wasn’t the only one inappropriately dressed for the time of year. Bosh was just wearing one of Bluebell’s tops, letting it drape over her like a tablecloth.

“Oh, you need to ring your parents” Bosh said, as Bluebell chewed absent-mindedly.

“Do I bollocks”

“You’ve got missed calls from them. Like, a lot” Bosh said, trying to regather her composure.

“You have my phone?”

“Yeah, you gonna ring them then? It could be serious. There is a pandemic going on” Bosh was terse as she spoke.

“Did they leave a message?”

“No…”

“Well, it can’t be that important, can it?” Bluebell bit into another slice, scowling as she did so. “So, can I have my phone back?”

“D’ya need it then or…”

“It’s my phone Bosh. I just want my phone back, that’s all”

“Why?”

“Cos it’s mine”

“Fine”

And Bosh passed the phone over, and Blue snatched it petulantly.

“Thanks”

“Also, Jason called, but I know you and him aren’t talking either” Bosh added, her face rarely elevating above a sneer.

“No. We’re not” Bluebell replied curtly, pushing the last of her pizza into her mouth, and exhaling in relief.

“And your GP called”

Bluebell looked up at Bosh suspiciously.

“What? My GP?”

“Yeah, a whole bunch of times”

“Is… is it serious? Why are you only mentioning it now?”

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t to do with your health”

Bluebell’s eyes scanned Bosh’s face for further meaning.

“So, what did they want?”

“She left messages”

“Oh.. kay”

“Blooby”

Bluebell’s spine straightened at that.

She went through to her messages and played the first one from Callista.

“Hey Blooby, it’s your favourite GP here. Just seeing if you fancy another… appointment. Wallace is… not here so I wanted to know if you fancied coming round and I could give you a… physical. Anyway, let me know when you get this message. Cheers babe, bye”

Bosh’s eyes closed as she heard each word hit her like shellfire. Bluebell sat cold and still, every muscle on edge.

“Bosh… I might go up for a shower now…”

“Sit the fuck down!” Bosh snapped ferociously. Blue obliged, sitting still and frightened.

“It’s not what it sounds like”

“It sounds like your ‘male’ GP is a woman, which you conveniently forgot to mention. And that you’re fucking her, which you conveniently forgot to mention” Bosh ranted, standing up and pointing.

“Oh, like your not fucking a Geoff?”

“I’m not… I’m not fucking a Geoff”

“Well, then who is it?”

“Nobody. Hang on, don’t turn this around…”

“Well, you’re clearly fucking someone behind my back. Constant treats and gifts, mood swinging from bitch to doting depending on the day at work. It’s obvious, Bosh. You always were a shit liar” Blue argued, folding her arms defensively as she accused.

Bosh took a deep breath.

“I… bought you those things because… I knew about the affair. I knew you were shagging her and I was afraid to fucking lose you” Bosh admitted, cringing as she heard those words.

“What?”

“I hung around. At the Medical Unit. On that first check-up. It was a big deal for you and I knew you were nervous, so I hung around to make sure you were okay. And I saw you smoking with her. And flirting with her. And then when you came home and told me - sorry, lied to me - that she was male, I knew you liked her. You see, you’re not the great liar you think you are. Because life isn’t a fucking shitty PC game”

“Among Us is not a shitty game!” Bluebell argued.

“That was the bit you had a problem with?” Bosh would have found that funny in another conversation. But here, that irreverence felt like acid on the skin. “So, because I knew you were lying to me, I decided to see what you were up to. And then I saw you go round hers the next day”

“You were following me?” Bluebell’s eyebrows arched sharply.

“Yes. Because I’m the one in the wrong here” Bosh rolled her eyes and sipped her water.

“I…”

“No excuses Blue. I don’t wanna hear them. I… thought it was a fling. A one-off. I mean, I’m not an idiot. I know I’m not… providing for you physically. Maybe it would lift your mood, I thought? Maybe a quickie with an attractive female GP might shift your gloom and fix your mojo. I might get my Bluebell back. The old Bluebell. But you couldn’t just shag her the once, could you? You kept going back”

“I’m sorry” Bluebell said, her voice deep and solemn.

“No you’re not. You’re just sorry you’ve been caught. So I fought for you. I gave you everything you wanted. You wanted to drink yourself stupid every night? Sure, if it made you happy. Eat like a fucking possessed animal? Anything for you Blue. I even put my - oh, how did you phrase it? - ‘pedal to the metal’. For you. I fought for you Blue. But it’s not enough. It was never enough” Bosh was standing now as she spoke, towering over the slouched Bluebell on her comfy sofa.

“No, don’t talk about us in the past tense, Bosh”

“If I nagged, you complained. If I let you cut loose, you complained. It wasn’t me you were angry with. It was yourself. You hated yourself for getting fat, and you ate to punish yourself for getting fat, and then you took it out on me. And I tried Blue. I tried so hard. But you’re a lost cause, Blue. You’re beyond redemption”

“D… Don’t say that. Don’t say it like that” Bluebell said, tears in her eyes. The room started spinning.

“And, as much as I love you, and for some fucking reason I do fucking love you, I have to love myself first. The past week was terrifying. If you could remember it, you’d wish you could forget it. You went berserk. And… I did too. I can’t do that to myself, Blue. You can to yourself, because you don’t care. And, I genuinely hope this Doctor Bitch is good for you and can rescue you. Because I can’t. You’re a lost cause to me” Bosh broke off eye contact and stared at the wall, her eyes getting wet.

“I’m not… I can change…”

“You have changed already Blue. Fucking look at you”

Bluebell refused to, tilting her head to the side to refuse self-reflection. Her head felt loose on her neck, her brain throbbing and her concentration weak.

“It was just one week, Bosh. It was fucking Christmas. You’re supposed to cut loose at Christmas!” Bluebell sobbed.

“It’s not just fucking Christmas. Christmas has been terrifying, sure. But it’s just been the cumulation of a year of this type of behaviour. This is just one step up from November, which was one step from October. Do you even remember what you were like two years ago? Do you remember what you looked like? Acted like? Hoped like?”

“Stop it… please” Bluebell continued to sob. She could feel her hand trembling, but couldn’t stop it.

“So, that Doctor Bitch can have you. Because I’m done, Blue. I have nothing left to give. I gave you my all, and everything else too. Because I love you. And because, somewhere, underneath everything, is the most adorable, most beautiful soul I’ve ever met. The kindest, wittiest, most charming woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. Underneath it all. But it’s buried under so much these days, that I barely recognise you. Not because you’re fat, though you are so fucking fat Blue, but because of how you are. You are unrecognisable from the girl that I met at that flat party with your blue hair, your skinny dress, hair in a bow. I don’t recognise you anymore. You’re just a burden. And I won’t let you drag me down with you. So please, just fuck off Bluebell. Just fuck off and never come back, please”

“No. I don’t want to”

“GO!” Bosh yelled, throwing her glass against the wall and screeching, stamping her feet until she collapsed on the floor. “Just go!”

Silently, Bluebell heaved herself to her feet. Unsteadily, she put one foot marginally in front of the other, and slowly trudged away from Bosh and towards the front door. Her head was numb, her eyes drooping to the floor. And she waddled slowly to the door.

Her feet felt unsteady as she walked, her breaths were shallow. And her heart was racing in her chest, like an imprisoned wild animal clawing at the bars of her ribcage. Another step towards the door and she could feel the room list, like a ship in a storm. Another step and she began to fall.

At which point, she passed out.

[swahilimonkfish]

That chapter was way too long, way too bleak for the season, and also the penultimate episode. January 2021 will be the last Bluebell chapter. Sorry!

[ShrubberyLogistic]

2 hours ago, swahilimonkfish said:

That chapter was way too long, way too bleak for the season, and also the penultimate episode. January 2021 will be the last Bluebell chapter. Sorry!

I see this more as the bumper edition the season befits - what's Christmas without a shedload of drama? 😁 This brought the characters to life for me more than ever - Bluebell snowballing to over 400lbs was bound to break the guise the bottle could bring, and toward the end the tension hit like a tidal wave. The twist has really got me gunning to see who'll sink or swim in 2021 - I look forward to the finale!

[swahilimonkfish]

1 hour ago, ShrubberyLogistic said:

I see this more as the bumper edition the season befits - what's Christmas without a shedload of drama? 😁 This brought the characters to life for me more than ever - Bluebell snowballing to over 400lbs was bound to break the guise the bottle could bring, and toward the end the tension hit like a tidal wave. The twist has really got me gunning to see who'll sink or swim in 2021 - I look forward to the finale!

Very kind of you to say. And Bluebell is becoming increasingly bumper-sized... and so is the story of the same name .  The finale will give answers to the very questions you're asking, too

[dania201]

I’m looking forward to the finale—but I’m going to grieve such an epic story coming to an end!

Great chapter, Fish!

[swahilimonkfish]

17 hours ago, dania201 said:

I’m looking forward to the finale—but I’m going to grieve such an epic story coming to an end!

Great chapter, Fish!

Thank you. I was a bit worried because nobody seemed to like this chapter. Something to do with it being the bleakest, most miserable thing ever written maybe? Anyway, thank you for your support