Guilt?

[jweezy1987]

I’ll try keep this short and too the point.

For the past year I’ve been messing around/seeing a girl and in that time she’s gone from weighing roughly 135lbs to 185lbs and if anything seems like Recently she has been gaining weight even quicker.

We had a few drinks the other week and she made a comment that she’s so much fatter now than when we initially met and I said I prefer how she is now and to keep eating whatever it is she has been eating. She just said as long as I like it she’s happy. She’s put on a further 10lbs in 2-3 weeks.

in my head this should be the perfect scenario but In the back of my mind Im feeling guilty. she used to weigh 300lbs and then got a gastric bypass and has been below the 130lbs. She’s obviously  had issues in the past with food(specifically binge eating) and has done a lot of work on trying to fix her issues with food. I feel like I am being a bad influence and potentially undoing all the hard work she has put in. 

Does anyone ever feel like a complete piece of shit/how do you deal with these feelings?

i feel like if she wasn’t so into me she would not have let her weight get this high without taking steps to curb the weight gain.

 

side note - I haven’t fed her or pushed food onto her since I let it slip, if anything we haven’t eaten as much together lately due to schedules etc.

[John Smith]

Why do you feel like a guilty as**?le when technically speaking, you had little to not to do about why she letted herself go again??

[jweezy1987]

1 hour ago, John Smith said:

Why do you feel like a guilty as**?le when technically speaking, you had little to not to do about why she letted herself go again??

 
 

Easiest answer is I feel like I’m enabling/encouraging toxic behaviour. 

[Heart and Mind]

You could look at it as some faint way of enabling her, but then again, you are not pressuring her in any way and her weight gain has been related to her own habits (over which you have no control as you're just seeing her). Also, she seems pretty ok with it, I'd say this is a no lose situation atm. 

[John Smith]

5 hours ago, jweezy1987 said:

7 hours ago, John Smith said:

 

Easiest answer is I feel like I’m enabling/encouraging toxic behaviour. 

You're simply enabling/encouraging her own eating habits. She act by her own freewill: you're just the one digging further where she's already fostering.

[Guest high]

You don't know her motivation for losing. Maybe she thought she couldn't get a guy. If it's that, then no worries.

[Voluptuouslover]

Wow...this is a tricky one.  When you first met her did you notice her having really loose skin or very soft Fat in areas?  The reason I ask is I dated a woman a long while back that when I met her she always wore larger jeans (Not skin tight) but I could tell she has a good size butt and large hips along with large breasts.  When I happened to feel her she was really soft much more than I would have anticipated and later I found out that she has lost about 60 Lbs. on a smaller woman 5' 4".   

I do see how you can feel a bit guilty for someone that went through the huge ordeal of having a surgery like that and have lost so much weight.  But you don't know exactly what is on her mind.....you should discuss in more detail with her.  Maybe she is just enjoying herself and doesn't mind getting a lot heavier than the 130 Lbs. she was but definitely doesn't want to get to 300+ lbs. again.  Maybe she wants to feel comfortable and relaxed and eat what she wants and enjoy herself and be 200-230 lbs. and be happy with that.  Who knows.

I knew a woman that had that surgery and she would get totally sick like heartburn then vomiting because her stomach was so small now that she couldn't really eat that much anymore.  Maybe it takes time to start stretching it again I don't know to much about that surgery (I am definitely not a fan....so researching it would be disgusting to me).  I would love to know if you do talk to her about this what she says.....It didn't sound like she minded gaining weight while you were dating at all based on the way you described it.....feel free to dive into more detail with her and her weight gain.

[extra_m13]

i do not think i would feel guilty... that would be only in the case as in really forcing her against her will. in my thinking, if the lady like to eat and has no problem or even the slighest like for gaining some weight, then the better. keep us posted please. 

[jweezy1987]

On 11/13/2019 at 10:20 AM, Voluptuouslover said:

Wow...this is a tricky one.  When you first met her did you notice her having really loose skin or very soft Fat in areas?  The reason I ask is I dated a woman a long while back that when I met her she always wore larger jeans (Not skin tight) but I could tell she has a good size butt and large hips along with large breasts.  When I happened to feel her she was really soft much more than I would have anticipated and later I found out that she has lost about 60 Lbs. on a smaller woman 5' 4".   

I do see how you can feel a bit guilty for someone that went through the huge ordeal of having a surgery like that and have lost so much weight.  But you don't know exactly what is on her mind.....you should discuss in more detail with her.  Maybe she is just enjoying herself and doesn't mind getting a lot heavier than the 130 Lbs. she was but definitely doesn't want to get to 300+ lbs. again.  Maybe she wants to feel comfortable and relaxed and eat what she wants and enjoy herself and be 200-230 lbs. and be happy with that.  Who knows.

I knew a woman that had that surgery and she would get totally sick like heartburn then vomiting because her stomach was so small now that she couldn't really eat that much anymore.  Maybe it takes time to start stretching it again I don't know to much about that surgery (I am definitely not a fan....so researching it would be disgusting to me).  I would love to know if you do talk to her about this what she says.....It didn't sound like she minded gaining weight while you were dating at all based on the way you described it.....feel free to dive into more detail with her and her weight gain.

 

so she had skin removal surgery on her stomach. She still has ‘loose’ skin on her legs however it’s starting to fill out and imo look better.

her weight has plateaued since this post. A ‘friend’ called her out and kind of shocked her. I’m just providing an ear and not giving any real opinion on it.

 

she does think she will be 200+ by New Year’s Eve which I’m not going to discourage.

[Guest high]

Eating is a highly enjoyable experience, and there are some people who balloon back up even after stomach surgery. Look at Destiny. She's done it a couple of times. Some women gotta eat and you're not going to affect it one way or the other. Points for honesty, tho

[jweezy1987]

I guess this thread is ready to have an update since this thread she has gone up to 192lbs and doesn’t seem keen on slowing down. 200lbs by New Years seems likely at the moment.

we’ve spoken about it, she’s happy with how she looks and likes the attention she’s been getting from me. 
 

im just going to go along for the ride but I may try to slow things down a bit after New Years. Currently I’m being encouraging of her eating more/enjoying herself. I don’t want people coming down on her for gaining so much weight in such a short period.

[eideticidentity]

Oof, my situation isn't exactly the same as yours but it's definitely similar in the feelings we share. My gf was about 270 when we met 2 and a half years ago. A total babe. I was pretty open about my enjoyment of fat women and even told her about feederism and all of this stuff pretty early on. There were even times where we would experiment in feeding sessions (nothing too kinky, just like snacking and belly rubs). The troubling part of it was that her feelings on her body change pretty frequently. She sort of deals with what she calls "reverse body dysphmorphia" because she always thinks she is a lot smaller than she is. Her highest weight was at like 310 a few months ago, but has since been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder and has lost about 10 lbs. It's something we've pretty open about, and I've even told her plenty of times that I feel guilty for enjoying her fat body. But, as she told me, there's nothing I'm doing to influence her decisions in a way that she wouldn't be doing regardless. She is overall healthy, and her struggles with eating are her's alone. I would say that if your girl is fine with the way she is now, appreciating her can only help, in that you will be making her feel better about herself even if she may not always see it or feel it.

I've done a lot of thinking on these guilty feelings throughout the past two years, and I kind of feel like it's just another side effect of society. Like, we are so weirdly collective when it comes to dieting and weight culture in general, when in fact these things are very much individual journeys. We feel misplaced guilt as if we have failed our loved ones if we "let them get fat". But, I'm sure many of us especially on this site know that there's nothing inherently wrong with being fat. Even if it's something the person themselves doesn't like, that doesn't make it objectively wrong or immoral. These are basically just things you have to try to keep in mind.

You say you want to "slow things down" after New Years, but I guess it's on you to ultimately decide what that really means. I have had times where I feel obligated to almost scold my girlfriend for eating too much when in reality I'm actually enjoying the heck out of it. Just remember to focus on what she wants in this situation and not what you think she should want or what you think society should expect of her.

All in all, remember to enjoy your relationship, enjoy her body, and just always keep it open and honest.

[Guest high]

There's nothing wrong with fostering a healthy appetite in a woman who appreciates good food.

I'm a big advocate of making a woman cum every time she's stuffed. No guilt. Nope, not going to have anyone project their judgement and unhappiness onto my relationship.

[allgrownup]

Men encourage women to dress sexy, put on some make-up, behave a certain way, do certain things, maybe get a boob job, etc.

We encourage, promote, and enable weight gain. Yes, that can make you feel guilty or dirty sometimes, especially when she goes through bouts of "I don't want to be fat", but in the end we like what turns us on.

In my case the fact that she doesn't really want to be fat but can't really help it, and I'm just guiding her along in 1) let it happen, you're getting fatter, and 2) helping her adjust and accept the fact that she's fat, is sort of an extra turn on.  Especially as she had lost weight and is basically back where she started.

[Joliat]

10 minutes ago, allgrownup said:

Men encourage women to dress sexy, put on some make-up, behave a certain way, do certain things, maybe get a boob job, etc.

We encourage, promote, and enable weight gain. Yes, that can make you feel guilty or dirty sometimes, especially when she goes through bouts of "I don't want to be fat", but in the end we like what turns us on.

In my case the fact that she doesn't really want to be fat but can't really help it, and I'm just guiding her along in 1) let it happen, you're getting fatter, and 2) helping her adjust and accept the fact that she's fat, is sort of an extra turn on.  Especially as she had lost weight and is basically back where she started.

I know what you mean. While in our early days I was what I'd call a quiet 'encourager' - providing treats, etc. - over the years I've eased off into something more like a 'quiet enabler,' giving my wife love, support, and assistance, including with her preferences regarding food and with the consequences of having gradually grown to the point of becoming borderline super-obese. Some people, and she is one of them, are prone to being overweight, absolutely love food, and find weight loss almost impossible to achieve except temporarily. Like I said in another thread, there is little to feel 'guilty' about in loving someone like that; it's not like the absence of our love would make them thin.

Guilt might have a greater role to play in cases where the partner is bullied or manipulated into gaining. But beating yourself up for being attracted to someone who would be fat anyway seems silly to me. Even if they develop health issues, they're better off with you on the journey than going it alone.

[allgrownup]

@Joliat exactly. I love my wife tremendously, do anything for her, and make her life as marvelous as I can. In fact, I kept her from eating too much after she had lost weight; it was her who kept at it until the day I said "I don't want to be the food police because I prefer you with more meat on you"

I do, now, help make sure she stays at a certain weight or gains, but that would stop the day there would be a serious, a real change. She's more the 8 hour diet person; "I'm not eating anymore" in the morning and "do we have chips?" in the evening. Given that I know that with or without me practicing my hobby on her, she's going to gain weight.

I feel bad for her sometimes, in that it's frustrating when you want to be thin but also want to enjoy life and just eat, but that's something different.

[Joliat]

1 hour ago, allgrownup said:

@Joliat exactly. I love my wife tremendously, do anything for her, and make her life as marvelous as I can. In fact, I kept her from eating too much after she had lost weight; it was her who kept at it until the day I said "I don't want to be the food police because I prefer you with more meat on you"

I do, now, help make sure she stays at a certain weight or gains, but that would stop the day there would be a serious, a real change. She's more the 8 hour diet person; "I'm not eating anymore" in the morning and "do we have chips?" in the evening. Given that I know that with or without me practicing my hobby on her, she's going to gain weight.

I feel bad for her sometimes, in that it's frustrating when you want to be thin but also want to enjoy life and just eat, but that's something different.

Right on. She'll obviously be hefty either way. A pity she can't quite accept  it, though it sounds like she does most of the time.

My gal hasn't even attempted a diet in years. She will sometimes say she needs to lose weight - but almost immediately after saying it, and I mean like literally five minutes, she'll eat chips or a cookie or something. It's almost as if even the thought of dieting prompts her to reassure herself right away that she won't actually have to deprive herself. Pretty much every show she watches is food-related too (cooking shows, etc.). Food makes her happy. No reason to feel guilty about loving someone who is genuinely, deeply hard-wired to overeat and be fat? 

[fmlsalmon]

I’ve got some guilt of my own, but not quite the same. 

 

My girlfriend and I recently had the worst sex we’ve had since we started dating, and something came to light that makes me quite guilty. While we were having sex we ran into some real awkward moments (like hitting our teeth while kissing for example) but when I came it was real lackluster due to her shooting forward right before I came because she did as well. 

 

She immediately got up to shower after this due to embarrassment on her end, but later that night she filled me in on why she was so embarrassed and sad. 

 

During sex sometimes I like to talk dirty, and this time I tried to experiment because things weren’t going as well as they could have. I asked if she wanted to ride me and she said no. I asked if she was too full to move and she said yes. This of course turned me on, and I continued. I said I liked fucking her while she was full. New territory in terms of dirty talk. I even asked “Are you full?” and she moaned “Yes!” 

 

Turns out, she didn’t like this dirty talk at all. It made her feel like an object. It made her feel, in her words, “Like I just exist as, for lack of a better word, a fetish.” 

She just went along with the dirty talk to get me to come quicker, not because she was into it. This was the first time I’ve heard her use the term fetish. And it hurt because it was with a negative connotation. 

 

I felt massively guilty because I feel like I pushed too hard with my preferences. I want her to feel like a queen, not an object. That was never the goal. I may want her bigger, and I like her fat, but if my preferences make her feel like an object it really makes me feel like a piece of shit.

 

It makes her raise the question of whether everything I do as her boyfriend(bring her food, do things for her) is simply to get her fatter or out of the goodness of my heart. The hard answer is that it’s both. And that’s hard to get over. 

 

 

[allgrownup]

8 hours ago, fmlsalmon said:

I felt massively guilty because I feel like I pushed too hard with my preferences. I want her to feel like a queen, not an object. That was never the goal. I may want her bigger, and I like her fat, but if my preferences make her feel like an object it really makes me feel like a piece of shit.

It makes her raise the question of whether everything I do as her boyfriend(bring her food, do things for her) is simply to get her fatter or out of the goodness of my heart. The hard answer is that it’s both. And that’s hard to get over. 

During the explaining phase I kept bringing it back to breasts, because that's something women understand or know about; men's fascination with breasts. Doing that allowed me to talk about how she's a smart and funny woman but there's a difference between me being attracted to her and me being sexually aroused by her breasts, but that she's not just her breasts to me. "To you your breasts are just fat, and to us men they're very desirable; same for your belly -- to you it's fat but for me it's like a beautiful third breast"

When she said things like "so you're into fat women" I would say "I'm not sure -- but I like you with more meat on it; I'm into you"

By making that distinction between "I love you" and "I'm sexually aroused by your body" you create a lot of space to admit both realities.

As for the care taking, I would tell her that, yes. "I take care of you because you're my queen and I want to take care of you -- but unrelated to that, if you would ever gain weight, you need not fear I'd dislike you"

[jweezy1987]

So I have definitely been encouraging her and even feeding her as foreplay. She seems really into the fact she can eat whatever she wants/whenever she wants which has led to her stuffing herself with/without me around. She’s identifies her getting fat as my kink but admits she’s enjoying the sex, the food and her growing curves - her only concern is she wants to keep a relatively small waist.

Since it’s New Year’s Eve she’s up to 196lbs - crazy to think she was around 140lbs back in July.

its funny I was in a 7 year relationship until mid 2018, about 2-3 years in I told my s/o that I like girls thicker and while she entertained feeding once a month - I was always guilt tripped/made to feel bad for wanting her to put on a little weight(I asked if we could try 10lbs and if she hated it we would stop but she wouldn’t even entertain this). The relationship broke down for unrelated reasons. I never thought I’d be able to experience a ‘feederism’ relationship and it’s amazing how this has all played out. If or when this ends I can say I’m glad I got a chance at it.

[jweezy1987]

Just an update she’s weighed 2 days in a row at 212lbs. 

I honestly expected her to stop at 200 for a bit and maybe get adjusted to the weight but she almost hit 200 then in a week put on another 10lbs.

 

[fmlsalmon]

On 1/19/2020 at 4:41 PM, jweezy1987 said:

Just an update she’s weighed 2 days in a row at 212lbs. 

I honestly expected her to stop at 200 for a bit and maybe get adjusted to the weight but she almost hit 200 then in a week put on another 10lbs.

 

I’ve been encouraging mine as well and since we’ve had the conversation about my preferences she seems to be a little more neutral or even positive about her weight gain. When we met around June of 2019 she weighed around 285ish pounds. 

She recently went to the doctor for a checkup and she let me know that she now weighs 310 pounds! A 25 pound gain over 6ish months. I feel quite proud of my growing girl. The fact that she didn’t complain shows me she’s actually starting to accept this lifestyle and is enjoying it! I can’t wait to see how she progresses in the future. I’m getting her some girl scout cookies to celebrate.

[jweezy1987]

Another update she broke 220lbs today.

 

She is enjoying gaining but currently unsure how big she wants to go and asked me my opinion..

 

her only frustration is growing out of clothes she’s bought.

[jweezy1987]

She’s over 240lbs today - 241.5lbs. She’s regularly hitting 7000 cals a day if not more with little encouragement. 
 

 

[Pancakes]

Wait, so your girlfriend lost over 150lbs after gastric bypass, and now she's already gained back over 100 lbs since dating you?