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Need advice! Pls!


Guest Imswagg00

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Guest Imswagg00

I have been with the girl in with now for 2 and a half years. I’m 21 and she is about to turn 20. We are currently in college and at this point in my life I am ready to fully commit and prepare for proposing in the next 3-4 years and yeah 3-4 years is still a decent ways away but as I’ve gotten older and been in school for a while now it seems like time is flying by.

But now for my dilemma. The relationship I have been in hasn’t been bad by any means and I have not been miserable, however, there are some things that make me wonder is she the right choice when it comes to marriage. I always hear that the woman is always right and I’ve spoken to several women who think that is a toxic trait that some women hold over men so i know there is hope out there. My girlfriend is one who has to be right and is never the one to blame for anything and it really irks me. I find myself constantly apologizing for things that aren’t my fault, or her fault entirely. Another problem is my GF and I share different views politically, now I am studying to become a Constitutional lawyer, and my Dream has always been to run for an office of some sort, well any time I speak about my beliefs or even what is going on in the world today she completely blows me off and get pisses at me for some of the things I believe. Now I personally believe that she should support what i stand for, I do not think she has to agree with me but I do think if she loves me and wants me to be successful she needs to support me. Some other things include her lack of communication not only to me but to others and her ability to do everyday “adult” things for herself, now I will admit we both still have some growing up to do because we are only 21 and 20 so that’s still “young and dumb”, however, I do think she needs to be able to communicate and get things done on her own. She has always been pretty well off so she has never had to hold a job or really buy stuff for herself for that matter, ie., a car, any accessory and so forth. I on the other hand have held a job since I was 15 and consider myself to be a fairly mature individual. What I am getting at is she really depends on me and her parents to get things done for her and I find it concerning that at this point in her life she has never had a real job and she expects to hold a career in the medical field and already has a difficult time communicating. So I don’t know if she is ready to 1. Possibly attend different graduate schools and 2. Survive without constant aid from others. I apologize for this being as long as it is, I have just had a lot on my mind recently and I want to make sure I am making the right decision for my future. As I continue, I I’ll say that she is a nice person ultimately, she is smart, pretty and fun to be around. But there is more to life then just those things and that’s why I am here. So another problem I have is her lack of willing to do things for me although I do a lot for her. Although this isn’t a huge problem it still represents the point, she hates dogs, and I am a dog person, I’ve always wanted  dog when I have my own place and what not well she’s a cat person and she’s always wanted a cat, I personally don’t have a problem with cats i just prefer dogs, but the problem here is she told me she could not tolerate having a dog and I told her that I am willing to not have a dog just for her, so I proceeded to ask if it would be okay not to have a cat also and just have no pets. (Bad move) she proceeds to tell me that she is going to have a cat and that if we don’t then she will just break up with me. I don’t know about you all but that seems a little harsh to tell your BF if 2 years just because I was making a hypothetical. The current job I have now is pretty cool, over the summer I work camps for about two months but it requires me to be gone for most of that time and she hates it because I’m gone, the thing is though she has asked me to quit and find another job so that we can see each other more, well I told her I could do that but 1. I would be working a lot harder possibly to make near the pay I make for these camps 2. I would be working less and not have enough money 3. I would hate my job and be miserable 

or I could keep my awesome paying low manual labor job, I personally think she just doesn’t understand because she’s never had a job so she has nothing to compare it to but still I think she should be happy that I have such a great job, and it goes back to another thing if she had a hard time with me being gone 2 months out of the year I don’t know how she will be able to handle us going to different graduate schools in the future. 

 

So altogether I would say currently i just don’t feel supported by her and I feel like I’m putting in most of the work for little in return. I have spoken to her about these things and im leaving some things out bc I’ve already made this long enough but i just wanted some advice on what I should do moving forward! Thanks in advance! 

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Guest coolidge1000

Dude get out of that relationship I was there with an ex and the best thing I did was wake up one morning and told her I'm done 

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Overall, be attractive, tolerant and feel.  I'm a simple man, and notice unique conversations I can have. 

I do feel politics are overrated and hypocritical in general because people tend to double down on their outdated beliefs rather than absorb new info and take a step back.  The exclusion is surreal too, especially with how people wanna blame Trump for everything and ignore the racism/sexual harassment by democrats, let alone how much censorship there is in being a cis straight man these days.

Though your final thought at the bottom makes me agree with @coolidge1000 and it shows you're incompatible.  You do feel she's spoiled though you work and are gone for a couple months, so that kinda defeats the purpose of being married and chained down.  I would say have fun while you can and call it off in the summer so you can have fun with someone else.

Do feel girlfriend rotation can be quite healthy, especially in long distance relationships where you can time your responses better and not have too many idle moments that go uninhibited.

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Guest Imswagg00
4 hours ago, Chevalier said:

Overall, be attractive, tolerant and feel.  I'm a simple man, and notice unique conversations I can have. 

I do feel politics are overrated and hypocritical in general because people tend to double down on their outdated beliefs rather than absorb new info and take a step back.  The exclusion is surreal too, especially with how people wanna blame Trump for everything and ignore the racism/sexual harassment by democrats, let alone how much censorship there is in being a cis straight man these days.

Though your final thought at the bottom makes me agree with @coolidge1000 and it shows you're incompatible.  You do feel she's spoiled though you work and are gone for a couple months, so that kinda defeats the purpose of being married and chained down.  I would say have fun while you can and call it off in the summer so you can have fun with someone else.

Do feel girlfriend rotation can be quite healthy, especially in long distance relationships where you can time your responses better and not have too many idle moments that go uninhibited.

I understand what you are saying about politics but it’s been something I’ve always been passionate about and with being a a constitutional lawyer the way I interpret the constitution may not be what everyone likes, even her, so it’s something that I’m my life is pretty important to how I feel as a person with the person I love. Another thing is if I do decide to break up with her which I just need some motivation to do which is another reason I posted this, is that she is already scared that I may be breaking up with her soon after discussing these things and I’ve always been horrible for keeping relationships going because i don’t want to hurt the other person. This situation is a classic example so I feel stuck. 

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Guest Imswagg00
4 hours ago, coolidge1000 said:

Dude get out of that relationship I was there with an ex and the best thing I did was wake up one morning and told her I'm done 

Not sure i have the gut to do that, it’s always been hard for me to break up with someone because of hurting their feelings, and resenting me afterwards especially if I don’t want there to be any hard feelings. 

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You're going to save both of you alot of heartache if you break it off. We only know what you've told us, but if it is accurate and true (coming from someone just like you) I would end it. There are a ton of red flags, some concerning her attitude toward you and her own accountabilities, but also on the political front. Ultimately a marriage, partnership, or any long term relationship will wax and wane in passions, interests, and the everyday events life has to offer. I'm not saying you have to be 100% compatible politically, but part of the bedrock of your relationship will be born out of who you two are ideologically. If there isn't mutual respect, which it sounds like there isn't, then it will be a drawn out miserable affair when things get tough or slow. As far as her threatening to break up over small issues, it tells me she has a ton of growing up to do, but also that she doesn't understand empathy, or even how to look at the world from any view other than her own. If you are afraid to break it off because of hurting feeling's (and I've been there) it also tells me you are not entirely matured as far as a relationship goes. You sound very stable, but stuck in this teenage relationship while you are ready for something more mature and ready for a long term commitment. Again, none of us know her side or how you two get along other than what you've shared, but what you have told us leads me to think you are in a very temporary, very toxic relationship that will not end well once you wake up one day and say enough is enough. There needs to be more growth, maturity, and respect from her, and you need to realize when you are keeping things going for the sake of someone's feelings that it isn't healthy, or productive. Hope this helps, and really do wish you the best! 

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@Number21 TL:DR encourage or subtly press her to work things out. Otherwise it's an epic fail.

I've had to take a backseat and see who has initiative when I'm done to regenerate tolerance. Not easy ignoring my desire to help when it is quicksand until she gets her shit together.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest Ahorsewithnoname
On 5/29/2019 at 11:07 AM, Imswagg00 said:

Not sure i have the gut to do that, it’s always been hard for me to break up with someone because of hurting their feelings, and resenting me afterwards especially if I don’t want there to be any hard feelings. 

Your biggest problem right here. and if your being honest with yourself...i don't think politics is an arena you can afford to carry this quality into

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  • 5 weeks later...

I've found that hurting people's feelings is inevitable. If you stay with her, she is going to get hurt or offended and you two will have emotional pain. If you stop being her boyfriend, then she'll likely get hurt and sad; it will be a short term pain. I remember a guy sharing a story about his wife. From what I recall, the two of them went on a date and the girl didn't want to go on any more dates. Two years later they started dating and not long after that got married. The man said that looking back he was glad they split up after that first time dating because they weren't....right?...for each other. Basically they weren't emotionally ready a serious relationship.

 

Consider these words, "For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'." What will you regret if you married her and nothing in your relationship was different?   

~John Greenleaf Whittier

 

 

Quote obtained from https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/john_greenleaf_whittier_385048 

 

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