Fat shaming family meeting fat partner

[Alec91]

Issue:

I am worried my family will fat shame my girlfriend.

Our backstory:

I’m the luckiest man alive, I have a beautiful new girlfriend and things have gotten very serious and it’s time to mix our lives together. I am naturally skinny and tall ( just under 70 kg , tall at 6’1)and my partner is 138 kg but tallish at 5’9.) We have an amazing relationship and work well when problem solving /negotiating through the usual disputes couples occasionally have. We are a good team. She desperately wants to make a good impression with my family and I want to do the same with hers.( I know how lucky I am.)

She is Latina and I am Irish,neither of our families are racist but mine can be sizeist.

My older brother and his girlfriend are fitness fanatics and he openly ridicules fat pride/body positivity advocates. My mum is a sweet woman but mildly fatphobic and sometimes makes comments in private about people we know.

My partner is worried that my family might be concerned about her weight and that by living together she might make me fat or that my family would be concerned about fat grandchildren. My partner has battled anorexia in her teens( dropping to 50 kg at her lowest weight) I am highly protective of her and would jump to her defence in a heart beat. My girlfriend prefers being fat and was before I met her, she enjoys her food and loves showing off her belly.I do not encourage her to gain but enjoy if she does,I try to be as healthy as possible given the long term consequences but she gains weight very easily and we both enjoy it in private. I am incredibly proud to be with her and we are looking to get engaged, married and start a family.

My question is this:

Do you have any advice on dealing with fat shaming from future in laws? How do you keep the peace? We have no intention of accepting any disrespect but we want to be as respectful as possible because we want them in our lives. 

[OscarWinner]

If you guys carry yourselves seriously as a couple, and not just some fling/fwb/strictly sexual relationship, then that vibe should carry over onto your family. It would be obvious if she truly makes you happy and that should make them happy.

[Guest The Bitch]

I know what you mean. My boyfriend's family can be quite fat-phobic so I feel very self-conscious is my jawline is not chiseled and my belly is not flat.

[NikeLove1986]

I really wouldnt worry what other's thought of my gf as long as you guys are happy and really do love each other dont let your family get to you... And no offense your brother sounds like a douche just saying..  If you two are happy and this isnt puppy dog love then let them know honestly and tell them your a grown man and this woman means everything to you

[Weightwatcher]

If you think your family is likely to comment on her weight, it might be worth just having a quiet word and mentioning she is a larger girl beforehand so they are prepared and don't display visible shock when they see her.

[WhoDat]

A close relative is a doctor specializing in obesity and diabetes. They live close by - about 9 miles away. I went there and told them, "My new friend K is over 300 pounds. I'd like to bring her over but I wanted to tell you beforehand that we're both a little nervous about it, don't want to make her feel uncomfortable over here. Ok?" 

They said "Ok."

I never actually got to bring her over there - but having that conversation, for me, coming from a fat-despising family - was a big step. When YOU step up and declare yourself without apology, the world will follow. 

Also, the older you get, the less you care what others think. You only have one live, live it as you see fit and if others don't like it or are assholes, you can go somewhere else for Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

[allgrownup]

Between my wife and my family there was something else and I had to step in quite soon with a "yeah, we don't do that here or we really have to stop this evening right now"

I started to write some other stuff but my mind keeps coming back to this.... The way you frame it, when they are sizeist towards your girlfriend you/she have to explain yourself. And what I'm getting from you is if they were racist towards her, you would make sure they would have to explain themselves.

I don't think this "how to deal with fat shaming" ("how to deal with racism") is true to you and your girlfriend. This is just not done, man. Just -- not done. "My family is really sweet, they're not racist and all that, but they're into health and fitness and my girlfriend is handicapped -- how can I deal with this". It's just "no man, no, you can't do that here"

If you genuinely expect them to go that blunt route, pre-empt it with a talk. Not an ask but an "this doesn't happen here; no overt and no covert remarks" Otherwise...maybe first see how it goes, feel it out?