My Boyfriend vs Society vs Me

[javaberryshake]

I'm a chubby girl, and I always have been. 

Growing up, I always hated my body. I come from a family of fat women constantly trying to lose weight.

My relationship with my body has never been great, but a while ago the relationship got a bit more complicated.

My boyfriend of over a year is into feeding. He told me this early on in our relationship.

I was confused, but ultimately pretty pleased. At least for once someone in my life would be happy that im overweight.

He also made it clear from the beginning that he would never make me gain weight if I didn't want to.

I did gain weight. 

For once in my life I saw my stomach and thighs things that could be attractive. I finally had permission to eat without worrying what would be added to my waistline. For once in my life, I didn't hate my body.

A mixture of dates where eating was a featured activity and my security in the fact that any weight I gained would only make me hotter in his eyes, had cause me to go from around 165 to 185 pounds over the course of our relationship. That might not seem like much, but im 5'2" and 20 pounds shows quite a bit on me.

I was happy to live in the comfort that I was beautiful in my boyfriends eyes for a while. 

But then my mom started commenting on my weight. And I started seeing my weight.

I started hating my body again.

I started hating my stomach, and having clothes that didn't fit quite right, and how tired I get when I climb the stairs.

I told my boyfriend that I want to lose weight, and he's told me he will love me no matter what.

But the thing is, I'm not good at losing weight.

I love food and I'm not a fan of exercise, and any diet I try falls apart pretty quickly.

I'm good at being fat.

My boyfriend has always made it clear that I shouldn't base my weight goals on what he finds attractive, or what society finds attractive. I should base it on what I want my body to be.

But the thing is, I have no idea what I want my body to be.

I want to be healthy and I want to be able to be active when I need to be, but I also want to eat food that I enjoy and not constantly think about how many calories are in my breakfast lunch and dinner.

And the thing is, I've thought about my body in terms of what other people find attractive for almost my whole life. And that's a way of thinking that I don't know how to stop.

I know this is more of a vent than a question, but I guess what I'm asking is this:

What do I do now?

Do I eat healthy and exercise in an attempt to improve my attractiveness in the eyes of my family and society, as well as improve my health?

Or do I let myself go, and somehow learn to get over the disapproval of society and my occasional lack of stamina, doing what feels good and making my boyfriend happy in the process?

Is there a happy medium between these two options?

And is the fact that I'm still looking for other people's opinions at this point a sign that I'll always value myself based on the opinions of others?

Either way, I would love to hear any similar stories or advice regarding my situation. Sometimes it just helps to know that I'm not alone.

[Chevalier]

Dammit mom! Health is just a bs excuse honestly.  If you put some time in to find exercises you want to do for the rest of your life, and not eat/drink too much (junk/calorie rich foods to drain energy like pan pizza) you'll maintain and be fine.

I know I have.  Wish you took pics but that's up to you.

A fun option you can do is power lift and really put your big ass in gear. It also scares people when your padding just hides stuff underneath, a term I like to call (and have) muscle chub though that mainly has a search for guys.

If you aim for health, just reduce bloating and sell it in private to your boyfriend or whoever literally wants to see more of you.

This girl looks healthy but a bit heavy.

The biggest problem is people don't understand that a weight plateau can be a good thing. I can talk more in depth if you'd like, but I've noticed with my own weight gain I have low blood pressure, can move pretty well and do one-armed pushups. I also get more confidence after taking shirtless pics of myself too.

[KillerRamer]

Aye there's definitely a happy middle possible. You can build muscle under chub. You can enjoy food whilst maintaining your weight. It's just a matter of how much work you wanna put into that. It's not going to be easy but the things worth fighting for generally are never easy. If you wanna have you're cake and eat it too so to speak.

And I suppose I can see where you're coming from on asking others for advice. But honestly it's better to reach out if you aren't sure. It's just knowing when to put your own ideals infront of others. Where you are most comfortable at and not what your mother, or your boyfriend or what us internet strangers think. It's your body and you're going to be living with it for the rest of your life so you might as well get comfortable. 

If you do wanna maintain/ and or find a happy medium maybe ask a doctor/ nutritionist about how you can maintain a certain weight. "I want to remain this weight. I'm not interested in losing it or gaining it. I want a nice healthy middle ground to maintain."  Think of calories as a currency so to speak. 

[extra_m13]

that is one very complex topic, lets take our time to discuss it because that is one situation plenty of us have been in the past. So you are short of height and yes, at 165, 20 pounds show a lot you are right I understand that perfectly. Now, to the topic at hand, what to do next?, can you be both?, I think the first question should come in first because it will speak about the core of the theme. You like to eat and you have trouble losing weight so I guess that you are not a big fan of exercise, just a guess. So when it comes to what to do next, in my personal opinion you may want to try to be just enjoying life for some time. I am not telling you oh you should go for 500 pounds no… but give it a try to just enjoy, and accept some of the things that come with it. I think the root of the problem comes from desiring or expecting something that just doesn’t make sense with what we are doing, in terms of our body it is very simple actually. We cannot expect to look ripped if we go to the gym once a month, we cannot expect it is just naive to look like jessica alba if you like to eat all the good things in life so… accept it enjoy it and see how things how from there. But the most important thing is that you don’t stress out, that is no good for everyone and in fact that is the worst possible thing that you could do to your body... and... fuck society it is only your that matters 

[MuffinTopFan]

I think the most important thing for you is to learn how not to give a crap about the opinions of others. If eating whatever you want makes you happy, then do it. If you were happy and stress-free about your body back then, try to get back in that mindset. Don’t stop what makes you happy just because someone else is critical of your weight. It might be hard because this is a very fat-phobic country and unfortunately others will judge you by your size. And every second of every day, we are bombarded with photoshopped images of models and weight-loss ads. 

But there is plenty of body positivity on the Internet now too. I suggest going to a place like Instagram and following some plus-size or body-positive models. It might really boost your self-esteem to read posts from other women who have experienced what your experiencing now, and how they learned to embraced their bodies. The positivity you get from them could help you ignore the negativity you get from people like your mom. 

And I definitely think it’s possible to maintain a “happy medium.” For example, one of my best friends is 5’6” tall and used to weigh 150 pounds, but now weighs about 215-220 pounds. She likes doing a light yoga, and it’s really the only exercise she gets on a regular basis. It helps increase flexibility, balance, and muscle strength - but it’s not enough of a workout to burn a lot of calories. This friend and I go hiking whenever we see each other, and her yoga seems to keep her in good enough shape to keep up the pace. But obviously she is still quite chubby. She struggles when going up hill, but she is able to walk up a flight of stairs with no real problem. So maybe some light/beginner yoga will be a good workout for you to try. Maybe it will help you find that balance of eating whatever you like and loving your body. 

[Chevalier]

5 hours ago, MuffinTopFan said:

And I definitely think it’s possible to maintain a “happy medium.” For example, one of my best friends is 5’6” tall and used to weigh 150 pounds, but now weighs about 215-220 pounds. She likes doing a light yoga, and it’s really the only exercise she gets on a regular basis. It helps increase flexibility, balance, and muscle strength - but it’s not enough of a workout to burn a lot of calories. This friend and I go hiking whenever we see each other, and her yoga seems to keep her in good enough shape to keep up the pace. But obviously she is still quite chubby. She struggles when going up hill, but she is able to walk up a flight of stairs with no real problem. So maybe some light/beginner yoga will be a good workout for you to try. Maybe it will help you find that balance of eating whatever you like and loving your body. 

The last bit is very helpful and a litmus test for anyone friendly.  They'd ask if you want to join them on walks or going to an oxygen/juice bar rather than condemn you.  I wouldn't buy into the body positivity much as it doesn't really cover much besides fat white women (on instagram they go endlessly about their weight, I need a specific reason to like someone and repetitive is not one of them, being responsive would be better than fronting about needing to be fat/proud with no real admirers of unique gifts) and it makes any other things (disability, vitiligo, burns, etc.) invisible while condemning the thin.  But if you can tolerate it, I guess it's a decent starting point, just know you may get bored eventually like I did.

[sanduskyfalls]

Sorry you're having to go through all this hardship over your body. Exercise will make you feel better, have less moments where you get tired while walking up stairs, etc. You can diet if you want but I recommend just eating what you want as long as its not too overly bad for you and trying to fit at least 30 minutes of exercise in 3-4 days a week. That's it. It's a small goal, and one that's achievable pretty easily, just do it and tell yourself that it's enough for now, stop stressing over how much you need to do and just be.

[119]

On 3/2/2019 at 3:03 AM, javaberryshake said:

Do I eat healthy and exercise in an attempt to improve my attractiveness in the eyes of my family and society, as well as improve my health?

 

Lift heavy weights. No, you won't look like those monster women; they got that way through training really hard for years, while using steroids, and then cutting away their body fat to freakishly low levels. They actually look much more human-like when not competing, some of them are even pretty. 

If you build muscle and keep it, your basal metabolic rate is going to shoot through the fucking roof. No one except me actually bitches about this; but men typically have much higher food upkeep because their muscles even while at rest need much more energy. 

Being strong is going to make hauling a heavy ass around easier.  Also, it's healthy. People also tend to treat strong people with more respect. 

Unless you do careful dieting stuff (cutting), you'll never get skinny that way, so, boyfriend should be happy. And you might be able to shut up your mom through performing some amazing feat of strength, such as opening a jar of preserves or some such other stuff women always delegate to men. 

But, the regular strength training should let you keep your health, is generally beneficial, and will probably improve your looks while keeping your bf happy. 

This book down here lays out the benefits of strength training:

https://booksdescr.com/item/detail/id/5c63faf950b4253978b5cbe4

[Guest high]

We have one life to live, so live it!

If you love your boyfriend, enjoy what you two have and want to do it, then do.

If you want to live a measured life for yourself, then do that. 

Many are afraid to step out and do what they love- you have to follow your heart.

 

[tw71]

Agree with most of the replies here.  But ultimately? I think almost everyone can't help but view their physical looks through the lens of what others say about you?

I mean, I'm a middle-aged guy who is married with kids, and I have no reason to care what others think or say about how I look at this point. Yet, if I overheard enough negative comments about something, it would start bothering me. That's just being human.

I think you have to learn to separate the opinion of your family from the opinion of others, for starters? The people who spent oodles of time, money and effort raising you from the time you were born are going to have strong opinions of how they'd prefer you dress and look, or of your habits. Chances are good you don't really want to live exactly the way they want you to live, either. So you have to learn to rank their opinions of such things pretty low on the scale of what upsets you.

The other thing is, I really do believe that most people have a natural weight "set point" that their body tries to settle into. It's possible to get into the habit of eating too large of portions at each meal, so you keep gaining weight beyond it. But I mean, all in all? You can eat pretty "normally", as in eating the same kinds of meals in the same amounts as most people around you, and you're going to wind up around a certain size. That size might be bigger than some of those other people, and that's ok. That's your genetics vs. their genetics. Too many people try to fight that reality with endless dieting and calorie counting, and their bodies just "fight back" by slowing their metabolism down. That leads to "yo yo" weight loss/gain/loss that's way more unhealthy than if they didn't start all of that in the first place.

Lastly? I know weight-lifting just isn't something everyone can get into. Some find it incredibly boring, or just lack the motivation to do everything involved to get results from it. BUT .... I agree that "strong is the new skinny", too. It's a pretty great way to be bigger/thicker/heavier and make it a real positive (for more than just the minority of guys who like fat girls). You're never going to please all of the people, all of the time. But it's becoming pretty well accepted that muscle is denser than fat, and progress in body-building often means the number on a scale going UP instead of down. It's also something that really works best when you're still under age 40 or so. Usually, after that, you reach the point where your body doesn't really want to make more muscle anymore.  You can maintain what you've got, and if you USED to lift weights, "muscle memory" is a thing.  Some of that will come back relatively quickly.  But the time to build some muscles up is when you're younger and your body is still in the mode where it will do it!

[allgrownup]

Did I miss how old you are? Yup, I did.

• you don't need to make an all/nothing/black/white choice: it's not "do I let go or do I suffer"
• there is "should", "could", and "would". You SHOULD be a certain weight, live a certain way. Society says so and something inside you says so. But that is different from what you could do, could be, and would be. Me, I don't have muscles. As a man I SHOULD have muscles. So I COULD lift weights and god knows wat. But I don't because in the end I know if I look back on my life I WOULD rather have just be me.
• There are conseqeunces on every side. To the left: don't indulge in your favorite foods anymore .... but be very thin. To the right: indulge, live your life.....but be fat.
• Health and obesity are not against eachother https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/

[Chevalier]

3 hours ago, allgrownup said:

• Health and obesity are not against eachother https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/everything-you-know-about-obesity-is-wrong/

Halfway down, As a kid, I thought that fat people were just lonely and sad—almost like these pathetic lost causes. So I want to show that we get to experience love, too. I’m not some 'fat friend' or some dude's chubby chasing dream. I'm genuinely happy. I just wish I'd known how possible that was when I was a kiddo.”— CORISSA ENNEKING

Then below this whole thing smoking and not exercising. I'll try to stop before it gets political and unsexy.

At least show that fat yoga woman. Of course Jessamyn will be in better shape than the thin ones who don't exercise.  Though at the end she also isn't immune to the narcissism/political strife (quite common to be offended at our arousal but I have better women here to look forward to fortunately, so I'm cured of trying in vain).

Fit and fat was the point of the article (before it veered off into a personals), yet somehow people find a way to avoid it while being FINE: F'ed up, Insecure, Needy, and Emotional.