Sometimes the baby weight stays

[allgrownup]

For the belly squeezing; I've spent about 3-6 months (after coming out to my wife) habituating her to me touching her fat. Breast touch, slide down over the belly. Neck kiss, hands go on the shoulder-fat and squeeze lightly. She loves body cream, so I started suggesting a creaming after her end of day shower (after which she goes to bed). Always start somewhere else but of course also pass the belly where I spend a little bit more time. Just to get her comfortable and used that all that is part of her too, and part of me touching her.

Although this has all helped, the single best thing is that she loves spooning. I extend my arm over her belly and place my hand under it (sometimes gets numb!). Every once in a while I make a "mmmmm"-yummie content sound.

All in all I just try to connect fat+pleasure, fat+compliments, fat+touching, etc

Diet-attempts have become somewhat of a friend to me. Life just isn't fun when you're eating less than you need/want (feel hungry-ish all the time), and when the food you have isn't fun either (missing snacks, or the good stuff meals). In my case she always caves. Sometimes in days, sometimes in weeks, but her "do we have ice cream?" or "can you make  me a sandwich?" always eventually comes -- and then the pounds come back faster than you can say "honey."

I do aim to keep her above 200 lbs. Getting her through that mental barrier of not seeing 1's on the scale took some work. Keeping her above it makes her frame of reference different.

Now that your wife is settling into an eating pattern, start assuming and supporting that pattern. Prepare her 4th meal around the time she prefers. Get yourself whatever as an excuse. Make it the new normal, her new habit, her new routine. 

Taking over a lot of food prepping and/or switching to serving your wife is really helpful anyway. Getting a plate of food is different from plating it yourself; less guilt and no decision/choice process. Plus, less movement. 

[allgrownup]

5 hours ago, oatmeal said:

I think that 200 hurdle is going to be tough mentally for her.

It is a hard one to get through. You can sneak it up on her. Make sure there are no scales, feed/provide/encourage/enable, then wait and see.

My push came when I told her around a special occasion, let's say Christmas, that if she wanted to get me a gift, she could weigh at least 200 lbs by that day; she was weighing 195-197 lbs around that time.

I "sweetened" the deal in the following days by extending the prospect of more shopping money. Mine loves (online) shopping and having more money allocated in the budget just helped.

She got through that 200 lbs, quickly went over, and hasn't been back under it in months. This is her new normal, unless she would work very hard at losing the weight.

But any time will do, like you said. Holidays, a vacation, family visit. A couple of days of good intense eating. It's really just a case of somehow helping to establish that higher weight of 200-202 lbs, after which her new yo-yo dieting will gentle nudge her. 

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I was trying to play it cool asking her weight

I can't recommend a wifi scale like the Fitbit Aria enough. Be sure to be the one to set up the scale (and its accounts) and you'll have continuous access to her weigh-ins.

It really helps me to sync encouragement and high read-outs. I know and understand she feels kind of down when she gets on the scale and it is higher than she wants. But it helps if around the same time I can tell her a puzzled "I don't know what you did but you look so sexy today." Just making sure that weight-gain and positive feedback is getting connected.

You may need a backstory to get one. Maybe you want to lose weight? Start some kind of exercise program and see how much lean muscle you gain? Something like that.

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I wish she was at least accepting of my preferances but ill keep pretending her gaining weight isnt crazy hot as long as she keeps putting on the pounds.

I started to tell her I like her with "a little bit more meat" on her a year ago or so. That opening up has helped me as I can discuss and openly compliment where first it had to be hidden. She knows really well now I like her fluffy. She's clear; she doesn't like herself this way. And that's OK. If she wants to lose the weight; go ahead -- do it. But as long as she breaks her diets and gains, I'm happy, and I will tell her how awesome she looks. I don't say "you look hot so fat" or stuff like that. I just tell her she is beautiful, gorgeous, sexy (especially synced to her weigh-ins), keep making it easy and simple to (over)eat, and keep touching her

[allgrownup]

I guess you're not there during the day to eyeball her calories?

Projecting gains: don't forget her BMR goes up as well, as her body needs more calories to maintain the existing weight.

Diet: a good friend of ours :) The longer she sticks to one, the more her BMR goes down to defend against the "threat" of energy loss. That's why at one point you eat less and still don't lose weight. The absolute beauty is that once they do a cheat day or break their diet, BMR tends to go up VERY slowly, if at all. So now eating 100 calories extra is more like eating 200-400 extra ones :)

Be sure to keep being puzzled how good she looks as she gains weight ("I don't know what it is with you these days but you look HOT") and counter any diet-suggestion casually ("If you want to... for me, you look gorgeous; we eat well, we have fun, and you look sexy -- can't complain about our life")

Looking forward to following along!

[allgrownup]

22 hours ago, oatmeal said:

I guess im assuming her other food intake will ofset any BMR changes.

It just depends. Even depends on the formula followed to calculate BMR.

Mine dropped all the way down to 185-ish. Her BMR then was 1500 calories. BMR is just being alive; no movement or anything.

She's around 210 at the moment. So to keep everything as-is, her body needs about 1600 calories a day to maintain that weight. If she moves more, more.

On the other hand, by the time I have her at 220, 1660 calories a day are needed to keep that weight.

Oddly enough, on the way back, when dieting, these numbers change depending on how intense she diets. The more intense of a diet, the more BMR goes down. At her current weight 1000 calories a day would be a 600 calories BMR deficit, but the longer she keeps this up, the more BMR goes down, and now instead of a 600 deficit, she has a 300 one -- throwing off any calorie calculations she does, including the idea of cheat days.

[allgrownup]

5 hours ago, oatmeal said:

I didn't know what to say

Never ever go against it. Don't say "you're not fat" or something like that.

Don't ever agree with it. Don't say "yes, you're fat"

It's not about the fat; it's about how she looks, how she feels, and how she makes you feel. "You look amazing -- let's just go for a rewardrobe tonight; put some awesome clothes on that awesome body"

The idea is to slowly but surely turn the conversation. You don't want to argue she isn't fat. You want her to arguments for "I'm FAT!!!" to be void. "I'm fat" -- and my husband loves me. "I'm fat!!" -- and he thinks I'm sexy and shows me. "I'm fat!!" -- but he treats me like a queen these days.

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Her eatting habits are her own choice but i dont know if i should lay off enabling her or stick with the plan of helping her add some winter weight.

For me the idea is to help her accept the inevitable fact that she is getting fatter. I let her do her thing when she diets but we all know she's going to eat again. At that time I enable her fattening eating patterns. The dieting helps mess up her metabolic setpoint. I've even told her that (the whole "diet is a lifestyle, not a thing you do for a while") but she doesn't "get" that.

Meanwhile, she diets, she eats, she diets, she eats. The weight between which she yo-yo's goes up: 185-190....190-195...etc. And now we're at 205-213, going up and down in that range until there's a new setpoint.

I don't do it so there's nobody to blame. But whenever the topic comes up I stay on point: you eat like you want -- it's an easy lifestyle -- and I love it; I think you look amazing, your best; just let it go -- you enjoy eating, I enjoy seeing you with a bit of meat on you.

And so, making being fat acceptable, I slowly see her change. Happy with her weight? No way, of course not. She isn't going to look in the mirror and think "hot damn, that's sexy!" BUT --- she is living the life, being served almost all the time, treated like a queen, and she loves the sexual effect she has on me.

Let her do her thing. Help her. Buy diet food. Make her micro-breakfasts. Cook your own meal and her smaller one. When you have some chips as a snack and she asks for a snack, give her a 15 calories fruit cup. Just make sure you have everything in the house that could tempt her. It doesn't need to be in her face but if she looks for it -- OK. And when - not if - she asks "do we have XYZ in the house?", you're ready to give it to her. She asked for it herself.

Oh -- and don't withhold love but I do think when they lose weight, slowing down the compliments is a good idea. Just so that "fat period" equals "happy husband period"

[allgrownup]

Wanted to add: think about the long game.

Although it's really fun and exciting to quickly grow them, letting time do the work is just as effective. Tiny bits of overeating accumulate. A pound a month is 12 lbs gained in a year....

[allgrownup]

Sounds promising. Now just keep playing the long game. There's nowhere for her to go but up in weight. 

If you want to build on your chances, start cooking more, and do more groceries. Bread's on the list? Check which one has the highest calories. Ice cream? Get high calorie stuff. 

[allgrownup]

You could have it for recipes https://cooking.nytimes.com/tag/heavy cream

Personally I'd go for whipping cream. It's only 5 calories less per tbsp but it makes much more "sense" to have it in the house. Just introduce it as something that tempts you; a bit of cream in your coffee...or a bit of whipped cream on your dessert. Once you do, she'll want some, and then you can scale back your own consumption. By that time it's normal that there's whipping cream in the house, and you can easily add it to recipes.

[allgrownup]

On 11/23/2018 at 5:00 PM, oatmeal said:

Should i just get her more clothes in her current size or go a size up

Either get her a gift card or gift certificate to a clothes store, or make one yourself "Good for one day of shopping" Then let her make her own choices.

It's not necessarily a bad thing if she has clothes that are on the small side. It enables you to say "I love how you look" and touch her fat around a bit. From her side, it's a good indoctrination, for lack of a better word. You want her to grow accustomed to the realization she's fat -- and then teach her there's nothing wrong with that.

At one point, she will buy looser fitting clothes; and then you know you made a huge step forward to keeping her fat, and she has started to accept the reality that, yes, she is fat and, no, she isn't going to lose it any day soon.

Besides that, buying clothes (a rewardrobe) remains my way to disarm a lot of pushback. "Why diet for clothes? You look amazing -- let's just go buy other clothes"

[allgrownup]

5 hours ago, oatmeal said:

I think she is slowly accepting her new fat body. She still doesnt love being "totally covered in fat" but she is a smart practical person who isnt vain. She knows it would take a massive effort to lose a significant amount of weight. She knows i think she looks amazing and as long as i keep her in clothes then she might as well surrender to the status quo.

So recognizable, this. 

Mine mentions surgery every now and then, but I point out how that's not a silver bullet; those people, too, have to stick to a diet -- for life. But it's that "I don't want to do this" attitude that keeps them fat, and us happy.

As you know, after working 1-2 years on where you are now, my wife all of a sudden actually started to negotiate about her weight; if 200 lbs was enough. So -- you're at the start of a beautiful journey of manipulation

[allgrownup]

On 12/11/2018 at 4:09 PM, oatmeal said:

So last night i played with her belly durring sex. I started kind of subtle but eventually put both my hands on her belly and gave a deep squeeze. I was expecting her to move my hand away but instead she put her free hand on mine and gave a squeeze. My first thought was "holy shit! Is she into this?"

NIce! Congrats!

I did a similar thing. It was after she was kind of used to me touching her here, there, and everywhere. When taking her from behind I let my hands go to the sides of her hanging belly. Eventually I was guiding her basically by holding her belly.

[allgrownup]

On 1/2/2019 at 12:16 PM, oatmeal said:

Her new year's resolution is to lose 50 pounds but so far i am unaware what her action plan is. She wants to start drinking smoothies in the morning and eating less but idk how she thinks 50 pounds are going to melt off doing that. My hope is she keeps eating and dieting continues to be the thing she plans on doing in the future but never does. Any ideas of things to add to her smoothies that are "healthy" but calorie bombs?

Remember that a diet is not a loss. Especially if she wants to lose that much, that fast. A diet is the best predictor of weight gain. So if she diets, help her to really crash diet. Make her hungry. Then, every now and then, eat your own stuff. Just some chips....a little of this....little of that.... Don't even tempt her by suggesting she should have some

Smoothies by themselves can already be tremendously rich. I dont know why they think it's better. Maybe the same way some think organic food = diet food.

Get protein powder and meal replacement powder. You know, to "help"? Add meal replacement to the smoothie. 

[allgrownup]

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I reminded her she thought she was fat and 160 and even 120. I think she is beautiful and persuits of arbitrary numbers wont mske her feel better.

Good move. My wife has never been at a weight she liked, where she felt thin, or where she felt beautiful. So I just mention that, remind her about that.

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Last night i held her belly and told her how much i like it. "Well thats because you like fat bellies" but then she placed her hand hand on top of mine as we drifted off to sleep. She clearly doesnt love her belly but seems ot be growing used to it.

"Some men like big breasts, even when a woman is conflicted about them. Others like small breasts, even if a woman feels insecure about it. Go figure. I just know you're so sexy to me and so beautiful"

You're making great progress!

[allgrownup]

Oh, that 50% fat is so nice. Mine has been there a bit the past year. Just a nice idea.

Besides the natural ways of sliding back, is there any way you can adjust her by boosting some calories? I've been feeding mine some SideKicks made with 2 cups of cream instead of water and milk. Helps to keep her puffy.

[allgrownup]

That sounds promising. Just a bottle of red wine already does 700 calories, easy. 

If you want to discourage her using the scale, besides putting it somewhere else you can drain a battery. Just put the AA's in a flash light, let it burn, then put them back. If she asks you "find out" that the batteries need changing and will buy some "next time" you go for stuff. Just delay and forget a couple of times.

 

[allgrownup]

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Last night my wife was complaining about how hungry she was so i offered to make her a snack before bed. Unfortunately she was not receptive. She said "you're just trying to make me fat. I don't need food and you trying to fatten me up is not cute or funny". Suffice to say she is on to my game and not happy.

It's that kind of situation I used to open the conversation. I told her I'm all for supporting her diet attempts but that I don't want to be a food cop; if she asks for ice cream I'm going to give her ice cream because I prefer her with a bit of meat on her.

That changed our discussion and discussions a lot because after that it was on her, not on me.

You too can say "look, you tell me you're hungry, I'm just offering food in response; I'm A-OK with you dieting but if you tell me you're hungry or you ask for food, don't blame me when I bring you food"

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we live in a 2 floor house and she does gets pretty agitated after going up the stairs, which is hot for me but probably not for her... and thinking about wanting her to gain hundreds of pounds, not for everyone to enjoy the struggles that come with it, what is the key to that i wonder

I think that is where you do more, take over more. As you know, I do as much as I can for my wife with two paybacks; she is as sedentary as possible and she has no reason to complain about efforts. A third payback is that if the efforts are getting too much, she doesn't notice it much, yet. 

[allgrownup]

No idea about your income but if possible assign a monthly amount for clothes. Make buying new clothes a habit, a routine. She can go with a girlfriend or it can be a date thing with the two of you. "You said you needed some ABC -- wanna go now?"

By keeping the newer clothes coming in you prevent these watershed moments where you run the risk to trigger a serious diet attempt. 

Don't know about the climate at your place either but when Spring/Summer comes around you can bet a lot of stuff won't fit. Have money ready. 

When it's about not fitting tell her "that's true but now we're going to have the fun of buying something else"

Propose to store the clothes "for when you lose weight." This keeps the illusion alive.

As for her throwing it back at you, be open about it. Use the breast example. "Some men like big breast, some like them smaller, but when I talk about you I'm talking about how sexy YOU are"

And yes....this is the part of being a feeder too. You know this isn't her dream. Only thing you can do is make her happy, do as much for her as you can, and remember that she feels this way at 195...190...185...180...etc

[allgrownup]

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Being overweight has a real impact on her life and encouraging her to be fat is kind of fucked up since she isnt into it.

That's a hard one indeed because no matter how I turn it ("she could stop if she wants to") I enable and encourage her growing. So.... And god knows we're not going to be satisfied any time soon. When she has gained she has to get heavier, and when she's heavier she's going to have to get bigger. 

Besides just accepting you also have to remember it makes it nice for both of you. She would want to be able to eat without consequence. In a way being with a man who loves her big makes that her eating has no (bad) consequence so. there she goes!

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Ive also noticed she is becoming a secret eater. If i am in the kitchen she will decline another serving of pasta but if i am away she will finishe the bowl. Last night she declined my offer of food but heated herself up five taquitos. Not sure how to use this to my advantage.

Nice! Food-junkie behavior can only be encouraged.

Probably time to make sure you have leftovers to store in the fridge, if that is your household. Make sure she has things to grab & eat. And when you have a leftover like pasta, stir in some extra cheese before putting it away.

[allgrownup]

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If mentally she is focused on maintaining her size instead of losing then that makes my job easier and hopefully makes her happier. Once she is used to this size five or ten more pounds won,'t seem like that big of a deal. Goal is still 200 but eventually i would like to get her to 225 so that she is over 50% body fat. Not in a rush though as she is lovely at this size and i want her to adjust to this size and be happy.

Good strategy. I'm very happy where mine is at too, and know that while she can go down a bit, she's not going to lose that big round belly any time soon. It makes for a more relax time.

For her, just the perception that she is eating "healthier" makes her feel better, and I'm happy for her with that.

[allgrownup]

Mine is almost/sometimes getting there. She'll say "I wish I could see myself through your eyes", or "as long as you find my beautiful". But it's also the first time she's gaining and seeming resigned to it. Not liking it, the way a bolding man might not like it, but accepting it.

@bigmoobedguy comment of the century. I would trade 20 lbs too for her to just love it. Then again, then I'd want her  love it and grow it

[allgrownup]

I can draw the way cavemen do :D

Very sweet idea though.

 

[allgrownup]

No worries, almost everything lost in the first 2 weeks is water weight. That's why diets can claim they work because anything you do when you limit intake gets you 5-10 lbs water loss in 1-2 weeks. 

It'll come back in no time.

[allgrownup]

You're not in a hurry. Time is on your side. She doesn't need a complete 4th meal; as long as you can get her to eat a little bit over her daily goal, she's going to gain. Aim for 100 calories a day extra. That's half a portion of chips (about 10 chips or so). A slice of dry bread. A cookie. It's trivial. But over the course of a year it's 10 lbs extra. And it's a persistent 10 lbs because it got their slow and steady.

https://www.publichealth.hscni.net/sites/default/files/100%20Calories%20Leaflet%2012_16.pdf

And she? She'll hardly notice it coming on. 

Around the time you expect her to break through the 200, schedule a trip, vacation, or break the scales :)

Or do what I did and just ask it as a gift. Play it down and play it up. "You're 195 and I love the idea of 200 -- it's not that much of a difference....what would it take for you to stay at 200 instead of 195?"

[allgrownup]

Sounds pretty good.

They adjust quite fast to the situation. Mine is 217-220 and finds it too heavy, would want to be 200-210 again. A year ago she was 210 and was looking back at 200.

Keep up the good work.

[allgrownup]

oh wow, those are some thunder thighs.

You sure she's still 200-ish? Or that's just where the packs the weight?

Very nice job; definitely don't abandon the effort. Paint her toe nails when needed