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My Own Experience in Gaining and Losing Weight - A Rambling of Personal Observations


Ayumi_Chan

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So, as a lot of you know, I'm a very open individual when it comes to talking about my weight or myself, and that's something I doubt will ever change. So in keeping that spirit alive, I wanted to share some thoughts on something I haven't really been able to talk about a lot, and that's things I've personally experienced in my weight gain and loss, along with trying to re-evaluate my own thoughts of who I am and how I view myself as an individual and personal attractiveness. 

Something I've been dealing with, in my very extended absence, was how I viewed myself and who I am. I've recently come to realize that I am, agender. I know some people may or may not subscribe to that, however that's who I am. I don't mind being called she/her, or they/them. To me I've always never really felt full on "Female," but rather, just "me", if that makes sense? Traditional female things that were forced upon me never really felt 100% like my identity. Granted I didn't feel unease about it, but it didn't really ever resonate with me in the sense of "Oh this IS me."

I bring up the Agender thing because of the fact that this has been a small part of my struggle in finding myself and how I have viewed my attractiveness. I think in a lot of ways, trying to see how I "fit" in a constrain of physical attractiveness has been really hard after being on this forum for as long as I was active. I say that because once I started losing weight, my mindset was still very much stuck in the notion that I still would choose to buy things at a larger size. I felt really unattractive because clothes didn't fit like how they used to, and also struggling with my own identity has made it so much harder to accept myself physically. Even at this lower weight, I almost feel uncomfortable wearing tight clothing anymore. 

I think something that comes with gaining weight and then losing, is that you never really get the mentality of being a thin person anymore when you lose weight. This is how I can come to understand how people with eating disorders may have a hard time seeing themselves at a healthy weight despite their own internal voice shouting otherwise. Currently I know I'm at about 140lbs, but Mentally, I don't really see myself as that. I still feel like I need to buy XL clothes and larger bras when really, I don't have to. Because of that, it's also made it hard for me to even want to go out and shop for clothes. 

There is a certain perk of having communities like Curvage to really support and view individuals who are larger as being attractive. However, even for myself and having been with someone who liked my larger weight, there was a thought that was in the back of my mind that would wonder, "how much of this is driven by the fetish aspect of his desire?" At the time it wasn't something I pondered a lot about, but in some ways, looking at it from an outside perspective, it kind of does skew the sense of attractiveness when you're trying to find yourself attractive. I completely understand and get that attraction comes from a sexual place, and that's absolutely okay and I myself can't really say anything against it because, hell, we all have different things that get us going and all of that. Though, for someone who's trying to find myself attractive - as is, the sort of things where you wonder if someone finds you attractive due to a fetish, can be hard mentally. It makes it hard because of the fact that you wonder about your own worth of self in some ways. 

I know there's people who viewed me as being attractive for not just what I offered physically, but also for what I offered in conversation and the presence I had. However, for the ones who I knew were purely attracted based on the fetish aspect (I.E. getting asks on tumblr to inquire about my weight and singularly for that,) It really kind of makes you feel like you, as an individual, aren't cared about. Which, considering at the time that I was dealing with a lot mentally, it wasn't really that helpful in some regards. 

This isn't to say that I detest people who really are more into the ladies here just for means to get off. I get that, it's part of the fantasy and being able to have a place to explore this lifestyle and preferences in a way that you're not able to in a society that doesn't view it as being "normal." However, I want to raise awareness that it's important to look at the individual as a person behind the images they show you and the weight they gain or lose. I think having some respect for that person and taking consideration in them really does go a long way. 

Overall, I have come quite a ways from when I first really started feeling badly about myself and my body. I will also admit that, it has been nice to see the reception I've gotten in not just my return, but the pics I posted, because who honestly doesn't like being told they're attractive? I really did enjoy knowing that I could bring joy and excitement into a lot of people's lives whenever I'd post pics and such for many other's enjoyment! So please do not think that I secretly disliked doing all of the photosets and videos. I wouldn't have done them if I didn't enjoy it. I think that's one of the things that may sound like a contradiction to a lot of what I've said, but at the end of the day, I'm still human with a lot of complex thoughts, needs, and emotions. 

I know this was long, but I feel like I'd be doing a disservice to myself to not be open and talk about something that I would normally be open to talking about. Thanks for reading guys and feel free to discuss or ask any questions you may have! 

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I can definitely understand how fetish based attraction can seem conditional in nature. It must have been hard. As far as asexual struggles I can relate to that mindset, for me its about wanting to find a point of attraction that is accepting of you as a whole person, not for a particular aspect of yourself.

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11 minutes ago, tjmax88 said:

I can definitely understand how fetish based attraction can seem conditional in nature. It must have been hard. As far as asexual struggles I can relate to that mindset, for me its about wanting to find a point of attraction that is accepting of you as a whole person, not for a particular aspect of yourself.

To be honest, I myself also fall under the asexual spectrum so I can relate to that, honestly. I myself would probably, if I had to say where I fell in the asexual spectrum, would be demi-sexual. Which I think lends it's hand into the understanding of why I'd prefer to have people be attracted to me for more than just a physical look, since physical attraction, for me, goes very much hand in hand with actually knowing someone as well. 

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3 hours ago, Ayumi_Chan said:

I know there's people who viewed me as being attractive for not just what I offered physically, but also for what I offered in conversation and the presence I had. However, for the ones who I knew were purely attracted based on the fetish aspect (I.E. getting asks on tumblr to inquire about my weight and singularly for that,) It really kind of makes you feel like you, as an individual, aren't cared about. Which, considering at the time that I was dealing with a lot mentally, it wasn't really that helpful in some regards. 

This isn't to say that I detest people who really are more into the ladies here just for means to get off. I get that, it's part of the fantasy and being able to have a place to explore this lifestyle and preferences in a way that you're not able to in a society that doesn't view it as being "normal." However, I want to raise awareness that it's important to look at the individual as a person behind the images they show you and the weight they gain or lose. I think having some respect for that person and taking consideration in them really does go a long way. 

Well, since you invited any questions--and I guess this may relate to your moderator status as much anything else: Do you think that same sort of obligation (or at least encouragement) for a deeper level of respect and understanding also extends in the other direction? I.e., are the folks posting photos and videos and descriptions of themselves similarly obligated to consider the particular needs and sensitives of the people who view, comment, and otherwise engage with them on these forums? Do those viewing and commenting folks deserve to be recognized by content creators as complex individuals? Is there not a similar cautionary "objectification" tale for content creators, about the dehumanizing perils of callously treating viewers and commenters as little more than points, stats, and other trophies to be collected in service of a content creator's desire for attention, affirmation, or profit? To what extent can and should we strive for a deeper, more holistic, and more egalitarian dynamic between the viewers and creators of content, given that their respective roles may carry some inherent distinctions in both the ways they interact with the community and their goals in doing so?

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30 minutes ago, riptoryx said:

Well, since you invited any questions--and I guess this may relate to your moderator status as much anything else: Do you think that same sort of obligation (or at least encouragement) for a deeper level of respect and understanding also extends in the other direction? I.e., are the folks posting photos and videos and descriptions of themselves similarly obligated to consider the particular needs and sensitives of the people who view, comment, and otherwise engage with them on these forums? Do those viewing and commenting folks deserve to be recognized by content creators as complex individuals? Is there not a similar cautionary "objectification" tale for content creators, about the dehumanizing perils of callously treating viewers and commenters as little more than points, stats, and other trophies to be collected in service of a content creator's desire for attention, affirmation, or profit? To what extent can and should we strive for a deeper, more holistic, and more egalitarian dynamic between the viewers and creators of content, given that their respective roles may carry some inherent distinctions in both the ways they interact with the community and their goals in doing so?

I think this answer is two-fold for both sides. 

I certainly do agree that there needs to be a level of awareness from models and content creators alike in understanding the user base. It'd be foolish of me to come in here and expect people to want to see content of me staying relatively skinny if I was just choosing to be an active content provider like I used to be. I think for a lot of models, many of them are very thankful of the individuals that do buy their content or consume their content, but over time, I think it can be easy to forget that for some people, getting to buy said clips/pics and interacting with the person behind the photos can really make their day. It's why, for me, I've always tried my best, where energy and time allowed, to be humble and kind to those who would interact with me and respond back to others. 

On the other standpoint, in terms of a site like Curvage, or any other site that does cater to a specific niche of attraction and sexual needs, that it's also understandable how, on both sides, it's easy to lose that understanding of a real person being on the other side. Because most times models are aware that, generally speaking, people come to consume the content rather than actually interact with the model. Those that do are an absolute blessing, and the lurkers that do care are also seen as icing on the cake. Much in the same manner that I think because there is a large expanse of user base that has such a mass amount of models to choose from, it can be very easy to just keep browsing through and providing that boost of confidence by liking, buying, commenting, and downloading content.

I've seen some people, in the past, get really disheartened when models lose weight, and coming from the model end, it can be really easy to feel like "Oh.... Okay then.... they just care about me being fat rather than myself as an individual." Which granted, those are very few handfuls that actually do say that outloud and I think most don't really take stock in those comments as much as the supportive ones. I think it's why sometimes models can see their viewer base as being moreso one-dimensional. Much in the same manner that some models can give very generic one-off statements for viewers to feel like content creators really only care about their numbers and the money they're bringing in. As someone who also makes drawn art, aside from being a former content creator, I can understand both sides of it really well.

I think, overall, a lot of things go hand in hand. I would, however, definitely agree with you that there does need to be understanding on both ends that there are human beings with complex thoughts and the like, just like they are.

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Interesting thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

11 minutes ago, Ayumi_Chan said:

I would, however, definitely agree with you that there does need to be understanding on both ends that there are human beings with complex thoughts and the like, just like they are. 

Ah, well, that sounds nice, but I did not state (or mean to imply) any opinion on this stuff myself. I merely took up your invitation to ask some questions, hoping to explore more of your own opinions.

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1 minute ago, riptoryx said:

Interesting thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

Ah, well, that sounds nice, but I did not state (or mean to imply) any opinion on this stuff myself. I merely took up your invitation to ask some questions, hoping to explore more of your own opinions.

Ah, now worries! I was mainly regarding that as a general statement overall, so I apologize if it came off like I thought that those were opinions you held yourself. :0

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Wow, I didn't come on here expecting to read something so close to home.

I too consider myself somewhere on the asexual spectrum, I'm not sure where exactly. I also feel a perhaps not dissimilar lack of attachment to my gender. 

I've thought a lot about demi-sexuality more recently, I have a lot of questions/confusion about how asexuality can co-exist with a sexual fetish. I would say I have a lot of questions in general actually, sexuality and gender are incredibly confusing. Is it okay to just not care about gender? 

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17 minutes ago, Hootbot said:

Wow, I didn't come on here expecting to read something so close to home.

I too consider myself somewhere on the asexual spectrum, I'm not sure where exactly. I also feel a perhaps not dissimilar lack of attachment to my gender. 

I've thought a lot about demi-sexuality more recently, I have a lot of questions/confusion about how asexuality can co-exist with a sexual fetish. I would say I have a lot of questions in general actually, sexuality and gender are incredibly confusing. Is it okay to just not care about gender? 

As far as fetishes and stuff goes, like I don't think they can't coincide with asexuality. I wouldn't necessarily put fetishes under the list of what's considered asexual though, so I do think there is a distinction there. Though, even then that view could be questionable since no official research is out about that which I'm aware of in the context of asexuality. But at least in my own opinion is that with asexuality, I feel there's a distinction between fetish attraction and genuine sexual attraction. As far as my demi-sexuality goes, I implicitly cannot at all feel any kind of sexual arousal unless I'm with someone I have a connection with. Even with stuff similar to kissing and what not. That's been inherent to me since I can remember. I could look at images of people who are hot af and find them hot, but I wouldn't want to bang them. 

As far as gender goes, if you feel you don't really connect with being female or male, you may want to look into the non-binary terms for gender.

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20 minutes ago, Ayumi_Chan said:

As far as fetishes and stuff goes, like I don't think they can't coincide with asexuality. I wouldn't necessarily put fetishes under the list of what's considered asexual though, so I do think there is a distinction there. Though, even then that view could be questionable since no official research is out about that which I'm aware of in the context of asexuality. But at least in my own opinion is that with asexuality, I feel there's a distinction between fetish attraction and genuine sexual attraction. As far as my demi-sexuality goes, I implicitly cannot at all feel any kind of sexual arousal unless I'm with someone I have a connection with. Even with stuff similar to kissing and what not. That's been inherent to me since I can remember. I could look at images of people who are hot af and find them hot, but I wouldn't want to bang them. 

As far as gender goes, if you feel you don't really connect with being female or male, you may want to look into the non-binary terms for gender.

I've read a lot of posts online from ace people whose only connection to sexuality at all is a fetish of some kind. This is interesting but it seems to be highly individual, and it makes it hard to work out your own feelings about the matter. I personally am attracted to people from all genders, but don't really have any sexual desire towards any of them. 

I totally agree that there is a distinction between a fetish attraction and sexual attraction acquired from an emotional bond. It's that distinction that interests me, in a philosophical sense.  

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1 hour ago, Hootbot said:

I've read a lot of posts online from ace people whose only connection to sexuality at all is a fetish of some kind. This is interesting but it seems to be highly individual, and it makes it hard to work out your own feelings about the matter. I personally am attracted to people from all genders, but don't really have any sexual desire towards any of them. 

I totally agree that there is a distinction between a fetish attraction and sexual attraction acquired from an emotional bond. It's that distinction that interests me, in a philosophical sense.  

That is quite interesting. I think in some regard that may fall under the category of Autochorisexual. Where you have a disconnect between you and the object of desire. I know for me I probably do fall under that. I often like can get aroused by imagining different characters having sex or the like, but when it comes to fantasizing about me personally in sexual situations, that just doesn't do it for me. I know that I myself am Pansexual as well, so it's nice to know I have options LOL. Though I generally lean more towards guys. 

Mmm I can definitely see that!

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I didn't see this thread until now so I'm a bit late to the party lol

But after reading this, I have to say I never thought you were going through any of these struggles back when you were here gaining. Struggling with an identity crisis is pretty tough and a lot harder than those who haven't had one would think. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your appearance and your gender but honestly, I think gender is becoming something of a moot point now with how our culture and generation are changing from how things used to be with the generation prior, the baby boomers. 

Things aren't so clear cut on what boys and girls are supposed to be into now a days. When I was a kid I wouldn't be caught dead watching something like Sailor Moon and other moe girly kind of anime but now that I'm an adult I've realized that it doesn't matter what I'm supposed to like based on my sex and gender, I just do whatever that I like to do now. Life is way too short to limit yourself to what you're expected to like and I think a lot of people are realizing that now a days. Dudes watch girly anime now and girls are playing violent video games like the boys do, times have really changed with how connected we are with the rise of the internet in everyone's lives. 

What I'm trying to get at here Ayumi is that you should just do whatever you feel like and whatever gives you joy (as long as you're not hurting anyone/stepping on the rights of others but I think that goes without mentioning). No one should get into gaining if it's not what they really want to do. You'll only end up miserable if you start gaining when it's really not what you want with your body. There was a lady called "natty the fatty" who used to make videos on youtube. She said she was genuinely interested in gaining but what she really wanted was to find a relationship by having a male be her feeder. She gained about 80-100 lbs and had a few relationships with dudes who were into gaining but they all fell flat when she realized that the feeder boyfriends she was getting had the whole relationship revolving around her gaining. She was gaining for other people and not herself which is a fatal flaw that realized a little too late. She then stopped making gaining videos and then started losing the weight she gained and just completely vanished from youtube after that. Basically the whole ordeal of her gaining and losing was totally unnecessary in the grand scheme of things.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't love how you looked with the extra weight when you were about 180 lbs in your last gaining videos. But I'm also enough of an experienced adult to know that no one is going to be able to make you get back into gaining and it would be wrong and unenjoyable for us to do so even if it was possible for us to make you get back into gaining because it would all feel forced and not genuine. I've become more interested in female gainers stories in recent years, probably because I'm a lot older and appreciate a gainers story about how they were always skinny but always wanted to know what it was like being bigger. Following their journey and getting to know them is honestly a big bonus to fully enjoying someone's gain.

But I do genuinely like having your company here because you were always an interesting person to talk to Ayumi. I can't say enough of how interested I've been in your story being of asian descent and how you're into anime and video games and the like so I'm really glad to see you back and hope to see you around and talk to you more in the future. Do what makes you happy and the people who care about you will follow :D

Good god, sorry for the long post lol I'm not a sociology expert or anything, just wanted to share how I feel about the subject haha

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Many women don't post much about themselves besides their pics and so it's impossible to relate to them except on a superficial, visual level. This is not to fault them: of course they should post or not post whatever they want.

But it does mean that I really appreciate it when someone like you shares more about herself, so if I haven't said it before: thank you!

Just curious: was it hard to take off the weight or to keep it off?

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This is a super interesting post and thread. Thank you, Ayumi.

Sometimes I feel like we do ourselves a disservice to call all this a ‘fetish.’ I think there maybe are fetish aspects within it all, but ‘fetish’ can be too small a word for how this wiring is. I’ve heard the word ‘fatsexual’ thrown around—not perfect, but sometimes seems to fit better on me. 

I think that it can be helpful to think of things in terms of ‘fatsexuality’ sometimes because it helps contextualize how there are some well-adjusted people in this space and some who are not—just like any other sexuality. But like you, I have a hard time feeling complete (and sometimes beautiful or whole) without it. It’s super ingrained in how the ‘me’ actually functions happily, at my core. 

That being said, we are all actually complex humans with needs far beyond our sexualities. I can be as guilty as the next person as for having sexually-driven moments. However, I can attest that happiness coming out of your attractions flows very much from all those other things that come on top of the sexual part. 

 

(Teehee...I just reread the last 8 words)

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On 7/22/2018 at 5:37 PM, penguinatorxl7 said:

I didn't see this thread until now so I'm a bit late to the party lol

But after reading this, I have to say I never thought you were going through any of these struggles back when you were here gaining. Struggling with an identity crisis is pretty tough and a lot harder than those who haven't had one would think. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your appearance and your gender but honestly, I think gender is becoming something of a moot point now with how our culture and generation are changing from how things used to be with the generation prior, the baby boomers. 

[...]

Thank you very much for your feedback Penguin. I don't really share a lot of my inner struggles, primarily because at the time when I started to gain, I didn't really have those struggles. I'd be lying if I said that all of those struggles contributed to why I stopped gaining. There's a lot more, but it's honestly minor compared to the core of the issue of depression. The weight gain and gender issues, along with sexuality were part of it, but not a huge factor. I can't really say when a lot of the issues started coming to mind (lol no pun intended) But I'd say it was closer to the end of when I was really active in my gaining. I can definitely elaborate on this more in a video to kind of explain the other factors that contributed to my absence.

 

On 7/25/2018 at 8:18 PM, Dr. Feeder said:

Many women don't post much about themselves besides their pics and so it's impossible to relate to them except on a superficial, visual level. This is not to fault them: of course they should post or not post whatever they want.

But it does mean that I really appreciate it when someone like you shares more about herself, so if I haven't said it before: thank you!

Just curious: was it hard to take off the weight or to keep it off?

Hey thank you! Also long time no see! 😃

In answer to your question, I would say it's been harder to get the weight to come off at the start. For a while now, I've stagnated at about 135-140lbs and I'd say that's probably about where my body's "norm" would acclimate me to being. But that's also been after 4 years as well, so it's probably been a slow decline. As far as keeping it off, I'd say that's kind of a mixed question that could be seen as questionable due to life and personal circumstances. 

On 8/1/2018 at 11:48 PM, dania201 said:

This is a super interesting post and thread. Thank you, Ayumi.

Sometimes I feel like we do ourselves a disservice to call all this a ‘fetish.’ I think there maybe are fetish aspects within it all, but ‘fetish’ can be too small a word for how this wiring is. I’ve heard the word ‘fatsexual’ thrown around—not perfect, but sometimes seems to fit better on me. 

I think that it can be helpful to think of things in terms of ‘fatsexuality’ sometimes because it helps contextualize how there are some well-adjusted people in this space and some who are not—just like any other sexuality. But like you, I have a hard time feeling complete (and sometimes beautiful or whole) without it. It’s super ingrained in how the ‘me’ actually functions happily, at my core. 

That being said, we are all actually complex humans with needs far beyond our sexualities. I can be as guilty as the next person as for having sexually-driven moments. However, I can attest that happiness coming out of your attractions flows very much from all those other things that come on top of the sexual part. 

 

(Teehee...I just reread the last 8 words)

I can definitely understand why it can feel helpful to view it in that way and if that's something that does help you and makes you happy, then by all means I'm not here to stop you. However, I'd like to offer up a point for your consideration. Tbh, and this is just my view on the matter, I'd say it'd be a better fit calling it a preference rather than a sexuality? I feel like there is a difference in saying "I am pansexual" as opposed to "I am fatsexual" because I feel as though sexuality, is more about the gender you're attracted to. I don't think there's anything wrong in calling attraction to chubby/bbw/ssbbw a preference. It's just like saying "I have a preference for people who have X trait" rather than I am _____sexual because I feel like in a way, it also still sexualizes the trait of the group you're attracted to, as a fetish does, rather than it being an acknowledgement of the trait they have.

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I have often felt confused and alone having an interest in this kink as an aro ace. That's why I was always hesitant to join this communities although I wasn't aware of my identity until the last few years. I actually only joined Curvage after you sent me some encouraging tweets several years ago. I don't come around between anymore,  I just happened to search the asexual tag o b a whim and found this topic.  Didn't know you came around anymore either. 

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On 8/8/2018 at 8:20 PM, gpsc said:

I have often felt confused and alone having an interest in this kink as an aro ace. That's why I was always hesitant to join this communities although I wasn't aware of my identity until the last few years. I actually only joined Curvage after you sent me some encouraging tweets several years ago. I don't come around between anymore,  I just happened to search the asexual tag o b a whim and found this topic.  Didn't know you came around anymore either. 

Well hey, that's definitely okay! I think the thing with being aro/ace is that like you can still feel the need and desire to get off which can be confusing. Just because you may be ace, it doesn't negate the fact that you may still enjoy the sensations of sex or getting off, but you just don't experience the attraction aspect out of it which furthers the enjoyment from sex or sexual activities. There's 100% nothing wrong with that. Many aro/ace individuals I've talked with have expressed that they like and enjoy fantasy aspect of it, but not the physical and that's completely valid and A-Okay. 

I'm trying to get back into the community because, even if I don't gain anymore, I still enjoyed the people here and the conversations I'd have with people! But thank you for sharing that though! It can definitely help many others feel less alone in their own situations 😃

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Thank you,  I appreciate you no matter your weight or gender identity.  I'm sure most of us here feel that way.  I continued following you on Tumblr but I hesitated to reach out because I wasn't sure if you were comfortable interacting with people you met through this community.  Glad to see you back.

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6 hours ago, gpsc said:

Thank you,  I appreciate you no matter your weight or gender identity.  I'm sure most of us here feel that way.  I continued following you on Tumblr but I hesitated to reach out because I wasn't sure if you were comfortable interacting with people you met through this community.  Glad to see you back.

Thank you! 

I personally didn't mind interacting with individuals from the community, however I think the only thing that really got to me were the messages from individuals who soley asked about my weight or the like on anon. I'd rather not answer those questions on anon and would rather those be private as most people who follow me on Tumblr now have no idea of my involvement here, so I'd like to keep that a bit on the DL

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8 hours ago, dania201 said:

I love that you’re back to poke around and hang out!

What kind of thing catches your eye these days? What/who sucks you back in to the site/kink?

Honestly, just reconnecting with people. I'm not in it for the kink so much, but the people on the site made it a very memorable place and one that I really enjoyed being part of 😃 

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  • 1 month later...
On 7/17/2018 at 7:53 PM, Ayumi_Chan said:

To me I've always never really felt full on "Female," but rather, just "me", if that makes sense? Traditional female things that were forced upon me never really felt 100% like my identity. Granted I didn't feel unease about it, but it didn't really ever resonate with me in the sense of "Oh this IS me."

Isn't that the difference between biological gender, cultural gender, and our personality?

I feel "me" first and foremost. Then things happen in "real life" that remind me I'm a man or supposed to be a man.

I hope I don't put this in confrontational terms; you feel what you feel and are what you is. The question marks I post are things I wonder; they don't invalidate what you feel.

Let's take it away from gender. Let's say you're born in the USA. First you are *you*. Then you're also an American. "Being" an American would never be able to 100% define you, even being an American brings certain advantages and disadvantages, liberties and limitations. You may not feel affiliated that much with the country or the culture, identify as a-cultural, but that American imprinting remains.

So, is is individuality vs cultural grouping?

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