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My ED is Ruining My Relationship


maxmoon

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Hi,

I do realize this is a fetish related forum, but I thought I would share my story here in case anyone else is having similar issues.


I've been in a 3.5 month relationship with a nice woman. Our only disagreements come over my lack of ability to maintain a strong enough erection to please her. I am 28, and she is 25. We recently took a vacation and a couple of weeks before the trip was the first time we tried being intimate. I failed miserably and couldn't get a strong enough erection to stay inside of her.

She got really upset and thought it was because I wasn't attracted to her. She stormed out of my apartment and stopped talking to me for a day. She told me she has never had to deal with this problem before and told me this was more of a problem with old men than someone who is 28. I explained to her that I am really attracted to her and that I love her (that's the truth). I told her the problem is mostly one of my own, but it makes me feel worse when she reacts like that. Since that day, she said she would be better at reacting to my lack of erections to please her but she hasn't (more on that later).

On the vacation, we finally hit a home run and I was able to make her cum once and maintain a couple of strong erections while she blew me on the trip. Oddly enough, I am able to get hard when she gives me a blow job or hand job usually. My erectile issues seem to be related to the vagina, as I can't seem to get a strong enough erection most of the time to get in there. I was only able to get really hard once there. I should also note I haven't had a lot of experience and didn't masturbate with lube regularly so maybe I'm just not used to the feeling of a vagina yet? Could it also be that I've fantasized too much about weight gain over the years to get hard over normal sex?

As soon as we came back from the vacay my ED seems to have come back. One night when I wasn't in the mood (didn't even try sex as we had a late night flight back and I was tired), she slept in the other room in frustration. Last night it happened again and she kept trying to get me to have sex (3 times and I failed each time). I did get pretty erect when she played with my balls, but as soon as I got inside of her I lost the erection. What made me upset is she told me "you're not even trying", but on 3 occasions I did and lost wood.

Her disappointment at the lack of my ability to please her is killing me. She gets visibly upset, and I think it makes me feel even worse. I've pleaded with her to let me give her a hand job or use a vibrator for the time being as an alternative to please her, and she is having none of it. She frequently shuts down socially when I can't perform, and I've told her that I understand but that it makes me feel worse when I see her visibly upset.

She wants my penis penetration only. I'm kind of feeling lost and like a failure. She also has made a couple of joking comments recently about how I can't get it up and yesterday called me "Baby dick". She keeps saying sex is "really important" to her and that it needs to happen soon and at least once or twice a week. I brought up in the fact that there's hope since I made her cum on vacation. I also am really trying to convince her to let me please her in alternate ways but she only wants penis penetration.

I used to be a heavy fetish porn watcher in my early and mid 20's and think a combination of that and performance anxiety could be causing this. However, in the last year or so I've even lost desire to watch porn regularly. I can go like a week or two without masturbating and not even get morning wood or feel the urge to do it. I've only fapped once in the last month and still have a low sex drive. I wonder if it's low testosterone. I've only seen moderate results using natural erectile dysfunction remedies like horny goat weed. Nonetheless, this problem has started to eat away at me, and I just wish my girlfriend would be a little more supportive about it.

Is this relationship worth continuing on? Our only argument has been about sex. I feel an enormous pressure to perform for her, but can't. I'm going to schedule a doctor's appointment this week to see if he can figure out the reason behind my ED. Any support/comments would be appreciated!

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Guest anoncat

Scheduling an appointment was a great call, I'd suggest healthier habits such as

  • going to the gym
  • doing cardio
  • cleaning up your diet
  • kegels

Your problem could pretty much be low testosterone but it's also important to have a healthy heart to sustain erections. And concerning your relationship problem it's obvious that the sexual aspect is very important for her, if you still have problems after the doctor / exercising, I'd just break up.

Hope it goes well ;)

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Let's recap:

  • Get's upset and storms out
  • Doesnt talk to for an entire day
  • Tells you you have an old man problem
  • Sleeps in the other room in frustration
  • Tells you you're not trying
  • Gets visibly upset
  • Shuts down socially when you don't perform
  • Makes jokes about you having a 'baby dick'
  • Makes jokes about you not getting it up
  • Applies pressure by telling you sex has to happen soon

I wonder if she will be this supportive when you would really get sick in the future of your relationship...

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8 hours ago, vennie said:

Let's recap:

  • Get's upset and storms out
  • Doesnt talk to for an entire day
  • Tells you you have an old man problem
  • Sleeps in the other room in frustration
  • Tells you you're not trying
  • Gets visibly upset
  • Shuts down socially when you don't perform
  • Makes jokes about you having a 'baby dick'
  • Makes jokes about you not getting it up
  • Applies pressure by telling you sex has to happen soon

I wonder if she will be this supportive when you would really get sick in the future of your relationship...

Unless he's the reincarnation of Ted Bundy, there's nothing he possibly could've done to deserve this....I'd say ditch the c*nt - and fast.

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  • Curvage Model

She seems almost sadistik in a way.. I have had a boyfriend in the past with this EXACT problem (could do blo jobs, hand jobs, everthying but sex like 80% of the time) i let him please me in other ways, and i would never say anything like that to him, EVER! You might re evatuate how much she does care if she is even able to such hurtful things.. Nobody deserves that..

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Thanks for the feedback guys! My girlfriend definitely has her good qualities as well (our only disagreements so far come on sex), but I take some solace in the fact that you all think she's being unreasonable with some of her sexual demands. I'm trying hard to convince her to let me please her in other ways (hand job, over the phone dirty talk while she masturbates, dildos, etc). I even told her if she let me please her in these ways it may help take the edge off and build my sexual confidence back up seeing that I made her pleased in other ways, but she has none of that.

She keeps saying "I only want your dick". She'll also feel my dick and when it's not hard, say "You're not hard" in a disappointed voice at times. I understand her point of view being sexually frustrated and really wanting penetration, but think she has to be more open about other ways to get her off. By focusing solely on my dick being able to please her, I've almost developed a performance anxiety in bed and the pleasure for sex has eroded from me.

I'll see what comes out of this doctor's visit. If I'm able to get firm erections again and make sex pleasing again, I think this relationship will be A-OK. If not, I'm not sure it's sustainable for us to stay together. She clearly wants and needs penis penetration sex. If I can't give that to her, my self-esteem will continue to be lowered and she'll have to find someone else to please her unless she's willing to work with me in other ways.

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I've had the same issue before, it ended my last two relationships. See a doctor if it's getting really bad. Mine pretty much went away after I stopped being super stressed about college and got a job where I got lots of exercise outside.. That said, her attitude is crazy toxic and having had similar things done to me, what she's doing and saying is more likely to keep you stuck in your own head.

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I appreciate all of the advice. I'm not ignoring it. She is a real life person who I've invested time in and went on a successful trip in the last few weeks, so it's tough to just let her go without trying to work it out. All of your comments actually made me realize that she is being a jerk in this. I didn't mention she has apologized for some of the mean things she has done, but doesn't seem to stop the behavior. I need to be more clear to her how much her reactions bother me and that we can't keep on going on like this if our relationship is to succeed.

Communicating about the fetish might be an idea. The fetish actually could be one of the root causes of my ED. She actually put on 50 pounds before we started dating due to stress eating, but isn't a fan of her weight gain. So bringing up the fetish could also be a bad idea. As said though, what is there to lose?

It also sounds like exercise could be a natural solution for me. I work a sedentary job and my only physical activity is a daily 40 minute walk. I'm thinking that may not be enough, and I need to incorporate some cardio to get blood pumping and anxiety curbing endorphins flowing again.

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Guest Vladimir Putin

I think she measures your masculinity by your ability to penetrate her and she's punishing you for being "less than a man" in her eyes, that's why she refuses to let you pleasure her in other ways. The fact that you plead to let you pleasure her makes her see you as even less of a man. This seems quite unhealthy. She seems more likely to further punish you by cheating on you with a "real man" than to support you with your problem.

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Try magnesium supplements.

Try red meat.

Try seafood.

If there is any fantasy that turns you on and still is able to make your hard most of the time, make her a central part of that fantasy (even if it's hardcore or plain evil) and try focusing on it when having sex.

Try not focusing on sex when having sex. Yeah, sounds counterintuitive but if you focus on sensations and physical contact (like feeling her weight on you, her soft parts, her jiggling whatever, etc.)  things seem to get on easier.

Try weightlifting.

Also, if a girl makes dick jokes, that does not really bode well. 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

So a few thoughts: performance anxiety is a real thing.  Once you start worrying about getting an erection it can completely inhibit your response.  Your partner's reaction is putting you under a ton of pressure and making the situation far worse.  Any sex therapist would tell her to do the exact opposite of what she is doing.  She should tell you it is fine when you are having trouble, you should cuddle, and it is great for you to use other methods to please her: manual stimulation, oral stimulation, vibrator, dildo, whatever floats her boat. 

I am decades older.  I learned early on that being skillful at oral sex made everything else work better in bed.  Most women are much more responsive to oral stimulation, perhaps accompanied by a dildo or a finger in her vagina stimulating her g-spot.  She wants to be satisfied, and that is a reasonable demand, but her unwillingness to try to accomplish that in other ways is unreasonable and is likely making matters worse.

Second, you may have physical issues that are inhibiting your response.  Are you overweight or diabetic?  Getting your T level tested is a good idea.  I would encourage you to ask the doctor for a sample prescription of Cialis.  Eating as little as 3-5 mg should give you a much stronger erection.  Once you have had some success and gotten your performance anxiety issues a little more under control you can try taking smaller and smaller doses.

There is a book I would encourage you to look at, it is called Come As You Are. I can't remember the authors name.  She is a sex therapist and the book is primarily about female sexual response but it may help you please your partner and the section about pressing the brakes and the gas at the same time may very well explain what is going on in your own head.

Finally, your partner's response is concerning.  It suggests a general lack of empathy and understanding for others.  It seems very self-centered and possibly narcissistic from your description.  Is she like this in other areas of your relationship?  If so, I really caution you. 

Trying to have a relationship with a partner who lacks empathy and often puts their own needs first is not healthy. Perhaps she is just young, inexperienced, and insecure.  If so you should be able to talk to her about how her reaction makes things more difficult for you.  If she can't see that, I would see that as a bright red flag that she is not a healthy partner who is going to be able to love and support you.  Don't allow yourself to be emotionally abused. 

If she is toxic, your penis may be saying "no thank you" as a form of self-protection.  Some of us have dicks with a conscious that don't work well when they are put in unhealthy situations.

Best of luck!  Keep us posted.

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  • 1 month later...

Viagra or Cialis until your body gets used to getting aroused, getting in there, having a good time, and finishing. It sort of sets up your psyche to think "This isn't a problem, I can't wait to get in there, this is going to be fun" instead of "Uh-oh, will I get aroused, will she get upset, shit, I hate that I have to think about this." 

That aside, I strongly suggest you dump this person who has all the attention on herself, isn't interested in her part in the equation, and makes fun of your dick. 

She's a jerk if you ask me. Let some other guy put up with her childishness. 

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  • 3 months later...

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