Help me understand this fetish

[Anonandscared]

1 hour ago, DailyDose said:

Thanks for your story and understanding. All I really can say is you should try not to think in such legalistic terms with relationships. Obviously consent is a part of love but our culture, especially in the past decade or so, has really made relationships more like a business transaction with a veneer of eros rather than something sacred. I just had to comment that because it's a bit concerning and offputting for me.

 

If you have a problem with someone, don't think in such terms like "autonomy" like you're a province trying to loosen off from a big nation. It doesn't feel right and can snowball into the erasure of real love from our culture.

I mean, I wish I could even say I begin to understand where you are coming from. It is my body. I felt I had not consented. I felt he did not recognise that my body is mine and not his. That I should have a choice over what I do with my body should go without question. So yes, consent and autonomy are vitally important in any relationship. You do not get to use my body sexually without my permission or understanding.

[Garlic]

I don't get it tbh. I've actually been thinking about this thread for a while. You ate the food yourself. You knew what was in the food, you said he didn't spike your good with extra sugar. You knew eating that food would make you gain weight.

Are you honestly saying that had he not got turned on by watching you eat, it would all be fine?

[extra_m13]

i was not going to say anything because this looks like a done deal, ex husband, put aside, etc. but... hey this has many consequences and reasons and there are truly a lot of worse things that could happen in a marriage to end up splitting. seeing pornography is hardly one of them more common than we can think of, cheating is different, another story, hitting the woman, totally different, turning out gay... but having an undisclosed fetish? that is not one of them. so what if he likes fat woman, work it out, that is no different of dreaming of getting into bed with beyonce or rebeca ferguson. come on. you have no fetish? no turn on? no sexual fantasies? yes, he should have said something about prefering larger girls but that is absolutely no reason for divorce. as for the feeding and gaining, you are one adult woman, you chose to eat and gain and not to exercise enough, come on. well, there, i said my piece i guess.

 

as for the 600 pound woman, that is a fantasy, i don't think most of us really expect someone to balloon to 600 pounds and have a healthy and long life, love comes before those things, but to live the fetish once in a while, to overeat and to grab some delicious love handles, there is a middle point there. im sure. prefering a bbw is just as prefering a fitness maniac, just preferences. come on.

[extra_m13]

and i must add, im sure it aint easy to come out, you have doubts, people all the time say you just mistaken for liking a larger woman, so for him i can probably understand his position but still, no excuses... communication trumps all in marriage. and yeah, there are some weirdos who like fat bellies and cellulite and rolls in a woman sorry, welcome

[Anonandscared]

Okay, so I get for some of you that 'I ate the food myself' is a valid excuse. After all, is that not in its own way consent?

Except I was being given gifts. Little extras were being put on my plate. These were (in my mind) acts of affection and love. Who gets given a bar of chocolate from their partner as a gift and throws it out? Or says 'nope, I don't want this present'? There is coercion here, because he hid the food under acts of love so I would feel pressured to comply.

Trust me - I didn't want a lot of the things he brought me, but I still smiled and ate them because I loved him and he was (I thought) trying to do something to make me happy.

Also, FYI about the not exercising enough - I sadly got a very serious/almost terminal illness, which meant I was bedbound for a while. Prior, I worked as a waitress and was constantly moving at speed for 8 hours a day, however we didn't know I was sick, and it was preventing any weight loss.

Finally, every time I tried to diet/restrict my food he would encourage me to break it. And Yes, again you may say where is my own willpower, but if someone you love isn' supporting you - in fact is actively discouraging you - then it's much harder to be determined - esp when you don't seem to be losing weight anyway.

Perhaps background context helps, perhaps it doesn't. The fact is for 5 years he lied to me. For 5 years I gained weight. I want to be thin, he wanted me fat. And I know where I ended up.

Also, I've lost 1 and a half stone since he left, something I could never do when he was here. I think that is a testament to it all anyway.

[Guest maxlikesfat]

19 hours ago, Anonandscared said:

Okay, so I get for some of you that 'I ate the food myself' is a valid excuse. After all, is that not in its own way consent?

Except I was being given gifts. Little extras were being put on my plate. These were (in my mind) acts of affection and love. Who gets given a bar of chocolate from their partner as a gift and throws it out? Or says 'nope, I don't want this present'? There is coercion here, because he hid the food under acts of love so I would feel pressured to comply.

Trust me - I didn't want a lot of the things he brought me, but I still smiled and ate them because I loved him and he was (I thought) trying to do something to make me happy.

Also, FYI about the not exercising enough - I sadly got a very serious/almost terminal illness, which meant I was bedbound for a while. Prior, I worked as a waitress and was constantly moving at speed for 8 hours a day, however we didn't know I was sick, and it was preventing any weight loss.

Finally, every time I tried to diet/restrict my food he would encourage me to break it. And Yes, again you may say where is my own willpower, but if someone you love isn' supporting you - in fact is actively discouraging you - then it's much harder to be determined - esp when you don't seem to be losing weight anyway.

Perhaps background context helps, perhaps it doesn't. The fact is for 5 years he lied to me. For 5 years I gained weight. I want to be thin, he wanted me fat. And I know where I ended up.

Also, I've lost 1 and a half stone since he left, something I could never do when he was here. I think that is a testament to it all anyway.

This is unfortunate and I think he did the wrong thing. I've always had this fetish growing up. It really is a bizarre fetish and I don't know why I have it myself? I do Crossfit and I'm in the best shape of the my life! But fat women always turn me on? Makes zero sense. I admit I find pleasure in watching skinny woman get really fat but I personally prefer women who are already fat because I don't have to go through the hassle of fattening them up. I've tried everything to get rid of this stupid fetish but it is what it is. Fat gets me hard and it's been like that my entire life! I would agree with you though, that was not a good thing for him to do. If you do get back together with him, make sure you cut his porn use down, it'll force him to like you in other ways. 

[bluetech]

I am glad that you were able to convince him to seek out counseling to be more healthy in embracing his fetish. However, I would also encourage you to seek counseling yourself if you have not done so already. Regardless of what the other poster said, refusing to touch any food because the mere thought of eating brings back flashbacks is not 'fasting'. It is disordered eating. And while suffering through an abusive manipulative relationship must have been horrible, I can imagine that ending it had its own difficulties. This was obviously a traumatic experience for you, and a therapist may help you work through that trauma and find peace in your relationship with food, with your relationships, and with life in general.