How to get parents to stop shaming/complaining?

[Guest hhh]

I'm sure a lot of younger gainers have to deal with this:  You come home for the holidays, your parents poke fun at (or worse, criticize or shame) the newly added weight, and general uncomfortableness and arguing ensues.  My gf has to go through this every holiday time now.  What's the best way you've found to deal with rude/whiney parents, and just basically tell them "Hop off"?

[Guest billow]

Some of the best advice I've seen is offered by the beautiful littleyellowspider:

 

A:  "I’d say that it can definitely be hard at times, and when I see family I haven’t seen in a while, I always bring up my weight first. It’s an elephant in the room (to me) so I’m just like yeah I’ve been doing well, AND eating well OBVIOUSLY and laugh n joke. That just makes me feel more comfortable. Bc I think they should know that I’m okay with it. I’m not depressed, I actually am okay and good with the way I look. You just have to realize that you’re living a life for you, not for anyone else."

[Guest hhh]

3 hours ago, billow said:

A:  "I’d say that it can definitely be hard at times, and when I see family I haven’t seen in a while, I always bring up my weight first. It’s an elephant in the room (to me) so I’m just like yeah I’ve been doing well, AND eating well OBVIOUSLY and laugh n joke. That just makes me feel more comfortable. Bc I think they should know that I’m okay with it. I’m not depressed, I actually am okay and good with the way I look. You just have to realize that you’re living a life for you, not for anyone else."

Good point!  Sometimes she does end up bringing it up herself, like if she's discussing with her mom what she's going to wear to that night's holiday party or something.  Her and her mother used to share some clothing and dresses, but they can't do that anymore.  At first it was awkward bringing it up, but now it's become more of an in-joke.  "I wish I could wear your blue sun dress, but I'm pretty sure I can't do that anymore, haha!"  That does kind of remove the seriousness from the conversation and make it more light-hearted.

[Guest billow]

9 minutes ago, hhh said:

Good point!  Sometimes she does end up bringing it up herself, like if she's discussing with her mom what she's going to wear to that night's holiday party or something.  Her and her mother used to share some clothing and dresses, but they can't do that anymore.  At first it was awkward bringing it up, but now it's become more of an in-joke.  "I wish I could wear your blue sun dress, but I'm pretty sure I can't do that anymore, haha!"  That does kind of remove the seriousness from the conversation and make it more light-hearted.

Absolutely!  I think the worse thing is to never bring it up.  When you don't talk about it, people start to assume the worst.  They see a problem and begin to think that you're either unaware of it, in denial, or running away from it.  It's better to make fun of yourself.  If you don't bring it up, somebody will criticize you.  It's better to preempt them and lay the subject on the table yourself, on your terms.

And if your girlfriend's parents do gripe at her, instead of denying or demanding they stop, it's better for her to admit it, humor them, and make light of things.  At some point, too, she'll have to grow thicker skin and not let the comments bother so much.

[Guest FrankToo]

Easy solution: murder them.

Next question.

[Guest hhh]

16 minutes ago, FrankToo said:

Easy solution: murder them.

C'mon man, murder is never easy.  All the planning, the timing, the cleanup, the alibi... 

[Guest Reluctantfatlover]

On 11/4/2017 at 5:22 AM, hhh said:

I'm sure a lot of younger gainers have to deal with this:  You come home for the holidays, your parents poke fun at (or worse, criticize or shame) the newly added weight, and general uncomfortableness and arguing ensues.  My gf has to go through this every holiday time now.  What's the best way you've found to deal with rude/whiney parents, and just basically tell them "Hop off"?

Your girl is not that fat. Are her parents very thin? What about her siblings?

[Guest hhh]

2 hours ago, Reluctantfatlover said:

Your girl is not that fat. Are her parents very thin? What about her siblings?

Well, if you've been thin all your life, and you gain 40 lbs and come home with a beer belly, your parents are going to notice.  Her parents are both thin and she has no siblings. 

[Guest An Optimist]

 

12 hours ago, hhh said:

Well, if you've been thin all your life, and you gain 40 lbs and come home with a beer belly, your parents are going to notice.  Her parents are both thin and she has no siblings. 

I'd be worried if they kept silent.

[Guest hhh]

41 minutes ago, An Optimist said:

I'd be worried if they kept silent.

Well obviously.  It's one thing to mention it, another thing to criticize and shame.

[Woodsmont]

My girlfriend has learned to just listen to her parents' comments about her weight gain, acknowledging their point of view, but then emphasizing that she is happy with the way she looks and saying that those comments are hurtfull. It works pretty well. As with other family members, she just jokes about her weight gain. 

[WhoDat]

On 4/10/2017 at 9:22 PM, Guest hhh said:

I'm sure a lot of younger gainers have to deal with this:  You come home for the holidays, your parents poke fun at (or worse, criticize or shame) the newly added weight, and general uncomfortableness and arguing ensues.  My gf has to go through this every holiday time now.  What's the best way you've found to deal with rude/whiney parents, and just basically tell them "Hop off"?

I have suggested, time and again, to folks with this question, to grow some teeth. 

To learn to snarl. To say, directly, "I don't like what you're saying and if you say that one more time, you won't see me next Christmas and possibly any other Christmas." And mean it. Otherwise, enjoy the abuse and being a "victim," then complaining about it. 

"People can't give you shit if you don't take shit."