I'm losing it [rant..just to get this off my chest]

[Guest An Optimist]

I hate women. Not all women, just the ones that are like jet fighter aircraft. Unattainable, but definitely real.

Or maybe I hate our national railways' ticket system sense of humor. Or maybe I hate myself.

So I was travelling back from my hometown, by train. Bought a ticket, place reservation came with it. 
I get on, find I'm at the very end of the train where wifi doesn't reach at all. Plus the train is fairly well-occupied.

Then she enters. She's probably 23 or so, big grey eyes, natural dark blonde hair worn in a french braid. Maybe 5'4", 110 lbs. Beautiful, the only flaw in her face was her jaw, which was too sharpely triangular. And maybe the small amount of freckles, though in my eyes that just made her look more adorable.

She was built like a top-10 pornstar -slim, small but shapely ass, decently wide hips, perky B-cup breasts. Not my cup of tea, erection wise, but that doesn't matter. I can recognize beauty when I see it.

And of course the fucking ticket computer seats her by the window, right in front of me. 

If she was a typical shallow modern-day borderline painted shallow blonde reality-TV watching idiot, it'd have been fine. I have no problems ignoring those types, they are of no interest to me. 
But no, she was wearing no cosmetics at all, not even nail polish and wore a tight-fitting knee-length dark red summer dress that somehow gave the impression of both being demure in an old style way but also made her look well...(ahem). 

She very much resembled a more feminine, blonde version of one of the first women I've truly desired. Similar face and eyes, same hairstyle, similar figure. 

This one was the sort of women who is both almost achingly beautiful and sexy in an understated way, feminine and yet gives the impression of being virtuous (in the sense of not being a dirty, lying Quinn who'd sleep behind her partner's back).  And apparently not dumb either, being a law student.

I was fine the first 4 hours, as I worked on a translation on my laptop and only occasionally sneaked a look. After 4 hours, I was both fairly sure she was taken, but I was still ok. Then I ran out of stuff to work on, and she curled up on 2 seats and tried to sleep. Like everything she has done during that trip, it almost made me cram my fist in my mouth to prevent possible moaning..

At this point I was getting seriously pissed at myself for not having a career, nor the confidence to go out and endure rejection after rejection, which is the only way men without supernatural good looks or more money than sense can get a date in these parts. (it's easier for those who can date people from work or school, but that's not my case). Online dating and social networks seem to have made women much more picky.

Anyway - I took out my phone, put on some very loud classical music and quietly seethed, hating my parents, myself, her, the universe in general and so on. Almost made it to the end of the trip without embarrassing myself. 

I'm getting ready to de-train. Put down her bag, then turned to the door. Then I get the impression she's speaking to me, so I take out my headphones and listen. She's apologizing for having dozed off with the hem of her dressed hiked up a little (I honestly didn't see a problem there, it wasn't like she was exposing her ass to the others in the train coupe). Automatically, I said, it was fine, it wasn't really out in the open. 

Then I lost it, and apologized for hating her (if telepathy existed, or emotions leaked between people, I'm fairly sure she'd have run screaming from the coupe 30 mins ago). Of course she asked why that were the case, so I had to explain. And of course she appeared to be both genuinely sorry for my predicament. Also mentioned she has encountered the other side of the porn problem.  At least saying private things to utter strangers you won't ever meet again isn't a problem, really. Once everyone records everything 24/7, it will be.

To top it up, embarrassment wise, her boyfriend appeared as I was talking to her outside of the train. I bid them goodbye and went on my way.

[scissortooth]

Man, you sound like someone who never gets relaxed. And you might have problems with madonna/whore complex some day...

I can understand you to a degree, but my problems never got that far.

[Jabba Desilijic Tiure]

20 hours ago, An Optimist said:

I hate women. Not all women, just the ones that are like jet fighter aircraft. Unattainable, but definitely real.

Or maybe I hate our national railways' ticket system sense of humor. Or maybe I hate myself.

So I was travelling back from my hometown, by train. Bought a ticket, place reservation came with it. 
I get on, find I'm at the very end of the train where wifi doesn't reach at all. Plus the train is fairly well-occupied.

Then she enters. She's probably 23 or so, big grey eyes, natural dark blonde hair worn in a french braid. Maybe 5'4", 110 lbs. Beautiful, the only flaw in her face was her jaw, which was too sharpely triangular. And maybe the small amount of freckles, though in my eyes that just made her look more adorable.

She was built like a top-10 pornstar -slim, small but shapely ass, decently wide hips, perky B-cup breasts. Not my cup of tea, erection wise, but that doesn't matter. I can recognize beauty when I see it.

And of course the fucking ticket computer seats her by the window, right in front of me. 

If she was a typical shallow modern-day borderline painted shallow blonde reality-TV watching idiot, it'd have been fine. I have no problems ignoring those types, they are of no interest to me. 
But no, she was wearing no cosmetics at all, not even nail polish and wore a tight-fitting knee-length dark red summer dress that somehow gave the impression of both being demure in an old style way but also made her look well...(ahem). 

She very much resembled a more feminine, blonde version of one of the first women I've truly desired. Similar face and eyes, same hairstyle, similar figure. 

This one was the sort of women who is both almost achingly beautiful and sexy in an understated way, feminine and yet gives the impression of being virtuous (in the sense of not being a dirty, lying Quinn who'd sleep behind her partner's back).  And apparently not dumb either, being a law student.

I was fine the first 4 hours, as I worked on a translation on my laptop and only occasionally sneaked a look. After 4 hours, I was both fairly sure she was taken, but I was still ok. Then I ran out of stuff to work on, and she curled up on 2 seats and tried to sleep. Like everything she has done during that trip, it almost made me cram my fist in my mouth to prevent possible moaning..

At this point I was getting seriously pissed at myself for not having a career, nor the confidence to go out and endure rejection after rejection, which is the only way men without supernatural good looks or more money than sense can get a date in these parts. (it's easier for those who can date people from work or school, but that's not my case). Online dating and social networks seem to have made women much more picky.

Anyway - I took out my phone, put on some very loud classical music and quietly seethed, hating my parents, myself, her, the universe in general and so on. Almost made it to the end of the trip without embarrassing myself. 

I'm getting ready to de-train. Put down her bag, then turned to the door. Then I get the impression she's speaking to me, so I take out my headphones and listen. She's apologizing for having dozed off with the hem of her dressed hiked up a little (I honestly didn't see a problem there, it wasn't like she was exposing her ass to the others in the train coupe). Automatically, I said, it was fine, it wasn't really out in the open. 

Then I lost it, and apologized for hating her (if telepathy existed, or emotions leaked between people, I'm fairly sure she'd have run screaming from the coupe 30 mins ago). Of course she asked why that were the case, so I had to explain. And of course she appeared to be both genuinely sorry for my predicament. Also mentioned she has encountered the other side of the porn problem.  At least saying private things to utter strangers you won't ever meet again isn't a problem, really. Once everyone records everything 24/7, it will be.

To top it up, embarrassment wise, her boyfriend appeared as I was talking to her outside of the train. I bid them goodbye and went on my way.

Might wanna change your display name.

[Guest An Optimist]

18 hours ago, scissortooth said:

Man, you sound like someone who never gets relaxed. And you might have problems with madonna/whore complex some day...

I can understand you to a degree, but my problems never got that far.

Nah. I'm not black/white kind of thinker. Basic bitches just don't interest me, they're boring and there is no relationship potential there. As to sluts, well, live and let live, maybe be friends, but it's not behavior I consider attractive in a potential mate. 

[retrpgrade]

On 6/9/2016 at 9:47 AM, An Optimist said:

Nah. I'm not black/white kind of thinker. Basic bitches just don't interest me, they're boring and there is no relationship potential there. As to sluts, well, live and let live, maybe be friends, but it's not behavior I consider attractive in a potential mate. 

I think it's more about not equating people w/ how attractive they are to you... sexually, mentally, whatever. And your use of the word 'slut' has a lot of implicit moral judgment in it (ie, part of a rigid ethical system)

[gta]

Holden Caulfield, is that you?

Whether you realize it or not, you are screaming your mental angst in your body language, tone of voice, choice of words, etc. There's a lot to be said of non-verbal communication. This isn't about primal urges, red-pill/blue-pill, feminist/men's rights buillshit, it's about being somebody that others want to be around because you give them a net positive emotion when they are around you. People usually don't like to hang around others that put them on edge.

 

 

[Guest An Optimist]

On 6/14/2016 at 0:27 AM, gta said:

Whether you realize it or not, you are screaming your mental angst in your body language, tone of voice, choice of words, etc.

Doubt that. Maybe sometimes. Other times I've no problem talking to anyone. However, even if I could get women to go on a date with me, what would I do then? I'm not romantic at all because I have read about what 'love' actually is, my hobbies are mostly things women don't like doing and ofc there is the whole 'poor, no educational credentials, no career'. Maybe lack of these isn't a problem for the typical sociopath, who'll just make shit up, but I'm not one.

[riptoryx]

23 hours ago, An Optimist said:

Doubt that. Maybe sometimes. Other times I've no problem talking to anyone. However, even if I could get women to go on a date with me, what would I do then? I'm not romantic at all because I have read about what 'love' actually is, my hobbies are mostly things women don't like doing and ofc there is the whole 'poor, no educational credentials, no career'. Maybe lack of these isn't a problem for the typical sociopath, who'll just make shit up, but I'm not one.

The dating struggles of the articulate, partially self-aware "atypical sociopath?"  This sounds vaguely familiar in its broad strokes...  

The Manifesto of Elliot Rodger

 

[Guest An Optimist]

18 hours ago, riptoryx said:

The dating struggles of the articulate, partially self-aware "atypical sociopath?"  This sounds vaguely familiar in its broad strokes...  

The Manifesto of Elliot Rodger

 

Uh-huh, because if someone isn't a typical, run-of-the-mill sociopath fit for public office, they have to be an atypical one.

The facepalm is strong with you.

[gta]

On 6/16/2016 at 11:52 AM, An Optimist said:

Doubt that. Maybe sometimes. Other times I've no problem talking to anyone. However, even if I could get women to go on a date with me, what would I do then? I'm not romantic at all because I have read about what 'love' actually is, my hobbies are mostly things women don't like doing and ofc there is the whole 'poor, no educational credentials, no career'. Maybe lack of these isn't a problem for the typical sociopath, who'll just make shit up, but I'm not one.

I'm genuinely curious about your comment regarding romance/love. From my own perspective, I think a lot of people, particularly young people, confuse lust with love. They latch onto a physical attraction and/or the thrill of discovering new things in getting to know someone, thinking that is love.

As for your comments regarding your hobbies, lack of career, etc, I still think those are all emotional defenses that you are putting up, and people can and do read those defensive emotions. Whether you can detect them or not in others is irrelevant. You immediately put up a guard with that woman on the train. You assume she is some unattainable thing that wouldn't possibly take interest in you, which is self-defeatist. You don't know anything about her life. Maybe she doesn't care as much about career and wealth. You say she's a law student, but I know a few lawyers that are very down-to-earth and don't keep up upper crust appearances. Maybe she wants to fall in love with someone who makes her happy in ways that money cannot. You are projecting your own definitions of attraction and worthiness onto her. Like I said before, a lot of people are turned off by someone who thinks they have them all figured out before a word is even said.

There are plenty of people out there, myself included, that hate the "keeping up with the Jonses" game in life, and wouldn't want someone who loves their career and wealth more than they love me. Sure I do okay for where I live, and my salary affords a middle class life in the suburbs of a rustbelt city. That is still far from any woman's "ideal" that the vapid drivel of Hollywood and woman's magazines would make you believe they want. I don't live in some swanky NYC apartment, I am not in a prestigious field of work, I don't look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, and I am not out there saving the world from itself. But you know what? Plenty of women are in that same exact situation, and they don't buy into the class/caste bullshit either.

All I'm trying to say is stop painting yourself in a corner and defeating yourself because you already played out the game of chess in your head and see that you lose. I know that I don't care to hang around people who always beat themselves up, I've ended friendships over that kind of stuff. Whether they want to admit it or not, most of them do it for attention. I've never seen it work, I've never seen a good relationship founded on a woman taking pity on a guy who thinks he's a nobody and can't attain what he wants.

[Guest An Optimist]

4 hours ago, gta said:

Like I said before, a lot of people are turned off by someone who thinks they have them all figured out before a word is even said.

Umm, I got the impression she was unattainable after noticing things for 4 hrs and being fairly sure she's happy with where she is. Like I wrote in the OP.

 

4 hours ago, gta said:

I've never seen it work, I've never seen a good relationship founded on a woman taking pity on a guy who thinks he's a nobody and can't attain what he wants.

Why do you think I'm frustrated? I know what I want is impossible. What I really want is literally impossible, and anything actually possible I might want is as unlikely as US paying off its debt without hyperinflation in the next 3 years.. 

 

4 hours ago, gta said:

 

All I'm trying to say is stop painting yourself in a corner and defeating yourself because you already played out the game of chess in your head and see that you lose.

Jesus, it's not even a game of chess. Between being poor, a bit weird, woefully inexperienced in sexual matters, most likely suffering from erectile dysfunction, I'm pretty sure I clock extremely low in relationship potential for practically every woman. Sure, that might change - I could probably embark on a career in IT* if I sat on my butt for 2 months and studied, and maybe if I stayed clean off porn for years I'd get some semblance of sexual function back - but both these things are very improbable.

*this is the 'end of the line' for IT outsourcing. You can go to India but you get shit people, and anywhere else is more expensive. 

[scissortooth]

Don't get me wrong but you sound like "all theory, little practice" and it's a way of living (and thinking) I used to practice myself until I was proven often enough that I was wrong and what I expected turned out to be very different from what I encountered. As for porn and dysfunctions - I used to jerk off like crazy, not to porn per se maybe but to what worked as porn for me. I also thought I might have problems with sex since I was a 24 yo virgin. Turns out that the only "problem" I got was a very "un-premature ejaculation". My wife could orgasm three times before I came. Obviously, she didn't mind.

[Guest An Optimist]

On 6/19/2016 at 3:32 PM, scissortooth said:

Don't get me wrong but you sound like "all theory, little practice" and it's a way of living (and thinking) I used to practice myself until I was proven often enough that I was wrong and what I expected turned out to be very different from what I encountered. As for porn and dysfunctions - I used to jerk off like crazy, not to porn per se maybe but to what worked as porn for me. I also thought I might have problems with sex since I was a 24 yo virgin. Turns out that the only "problem" I got was a very "un-premature ejaculation". My wife could orgasm three times before I came. Obviously, she didn't mind.

It is porn if it works like porn for you. And your problems weren't even 'problems' at all. Were you unable to fall sleep if you didn't jerk off for 2 days?

But hey -be happy while you can and fuck the consequences. We only live once.

[scissortooth]

In such situations I jerked off to thoughts of what I'do with actual women. Those I knew and liked. Some of those were pretty intense fantasies ;). 

I'm still doing that, especially on days when I'm horny and my wife is not. Obviously, I now keep her the only object of my jerk-off fantasies. Not sure how it would work for others but it did wonders to our sex life. I basically made my wife my porn.

[Guest DailyDose]

I share your pain, OP. This is going to sound unrelated, but do you use Chinese cartoon imageboards?

[lembo]

Ever thought of hitting the gym, working toward a real career, dressing nice and going out to bars or pubs and socializing? I'm not even a good looking guy and I get at least one girl to approach me while on a night out. It doesn't sound like you have a lot going for you in life and that's easy to change.

I have a great career in IT. IT isn't being out sourced as much as you think, and it's not hard to get into. You seem like a very intelligent person. You could do anything you put your mind too. 

[Guest An Optimist]

11 hours ago, lembo said:

Ever thought of hitting the gym, working toward a real career, dressing nice and going out to bars or pubs and socializing? I'm not even a good looking guy and I get at least one girl to approach me while on a night out.

I have a great career in IT. IT isn't being out sourced as much as you think, and it's not hard to get into. You seem like a very intelligent person. You could do anything you put your mind too. 

It's not about intelligence. Having a career is predicated on either being very lucky or being able to think hard or learn about yawn-inducing complex shit for hours on end. Not my department, been there several times. Could never really manage it. 


 

11 hours ago, DailyDose said:

I share your pain, OP. This is going to sound unrelated, but do you use Chinese cartoon imageboards?

I don't even know what Chinese cartoon imageboards are. I mean, I imagine Chinese probably have some cartoons, and there might be imageboards about that too, but I've never heard of any. 

Don't like imageboards, it's like a forum that is retarded. BBWchan is nice though, for the paid content that gets posted there from time to time, so I look there sometimes. 

[senorclean]

3 hours ago, An Optimist said:

I don't even know what Chinese cartoon imageboards are. I mean, I imagine Chinese probably have some cartoons, and there might be imageboards about that too, but I've never heard of any. 

Don't like imageboards, it's like a forum that is retarded. BBWchan is nice though, for the paid content that gets posted there from time to time, so I look there sometimes. 

Yo should visit /r9k/, you would fit in perfectly there. 

[Guest An Optimist]

6 hours ago, senorclean said:

Yo should visit /r9k/, you would fit in perfectly there. 

I don't 'fit in' anywhere. It's like my defining characteristic. Unless money is involved I'm unwilling to pretend anything, and I get all the social contact I need from talking to drunks when commuting back home. No one's as honest as someone with seven lagers in them. And they're quite chatty and amiable. 

You have some in-depth insight into that place that you've decided to dispense this piece of advice?

[senorclean]

19 minutes ago, An Optimist said:

I don't 'fit in' anywhere. It's like my defining characteristic. Unless money is involved I'm unwilling to pretend anything, and I get all the social contact I need from talking to drunks when commuting back home. No one's as honest as someone with seven lagers in them. And they're quite chatty and amiable. 

You have some in-depth insight into that place that you've decided to dispense this piece of advice?

Your inability to fit in anywhere and only pretending to when necessary is precisely why you'd be right at home there.

[Guest An Optimist]

12 minutes ago, senorclean said:

Your inability to fit in anywhere and only pretending to when necessary is precisely why you'd be right at home there.

I don't see how. The things I like are not the things they like. Doubt you can get a satisfying social engagement based on just 'not fitting in'. My problem is that a) I'm alive and  I'm too smart for where I'm right now. But IQ is not everything, and interesting work that requires high intelligence but not sucking up a lot shit and patience and painstaking study ..  I don't even know what that might be. So whatever intelligence I have is of as much use as nipples on a breast-plate. Truthfully, even less. Maybe I should go ask for a lobotomy? 

The thing is, my memory is only good when it comes to shit I care about. If you ask me what I had for dinner, I don't remember. If anyone who isn't interesting  to my hind-brain tells me their name I'll forget it inside five minutes. 

 

[gta]

You sound no better than all of those (alleged) women that have a mantra of "if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best." Fact is, people with that "woe is me, I'm an oppressed intellectual" mentality have a worst is unbearable, and their best doesn't merit tolerating their worst. At the end of the day, most people don't want to spend time with someone who is so high maintenance. You shackle yourself, then blame everyone else. If you don't want to make an earnest effort to improve your station in life, then don't bemoan the shit that comes from stagnation.

This whole thread reminds me of Dante from Clerks.

 

[KFD]

GTA nailed it on the head... I hear a lot of "woe is me" in your musing.

You are your biggest detractor. 

You are shooting yourself down before you are out of the gate. Nobody is going to serve you that dream girl or your bff on a silver platter. 

You know your flaws, you have a good idea what Train Girl wants in a mate, fucking do something about it. As I have found out, appearance isn't everything. Confidence, and emotional security and maturity are what ladies want.

 

Remember, 10/10 women exist, as well as the guys that are bored of fucking them.

[Guest vslppt1]

On 06/09/2016 at 5:24 AM, gta said:

You sound no better than all of those (alleged) women that have a mantra of "if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best." Fact is, people with that "woe is me, I'm an oppressed intellectual" mentality have a worst is unbearable, and their best doesn't merit tolerating their worst. At the end of the day, most people don't want to spend time with someone who is so high maintenance. You shackle yourself, then blame everyone else. If you don't want to make an earnest effort to improve your station in life, then don't bemoan the shit that comes from stagnation.

This whole thread reminds me of Dante from Clerks.

 

Kudos for referencing one of the best time made in modern times