Feedism and Eating Disorders

[Guest]

Hi! I'm not exactly sure if this is the right place to post this but here goes:

Despite suffering from an eating disorder since I was a child, I have always been fascinated with weight gain and found indulging in the experience surprisingly erotic. I do enjoy gaining weight, but it also terrifies me. Coupled with anorexia, it's caused a lot of confusing feelings and has led me to relapse in the past. In spite of this, I feel like the enjoyment I get from gaining has helped me come to terms with becoming a healthy weight and loving my body. 

Anorexia and bulimia have ruled my life for the past year and I got very sick as a result. In a bid to try and turn things around, I have made a huge effort to recover over the past few months. Inevitably, I've gained weight due to recovery and eating normally, and am currently feeling very anxious about the gain. Part of me wants to enjoy it and even continue gaining with more intention. However, I also feel like I want to succumb to the disorder as I felt more in control and less confused when my only aim was to be as small and unnoticeable as possible. I'm not entirely sure how to deal with how I feel and don't really feel like I have anyone I can talk to about this stuff. 

I'm wondering if there is anyone here who shares similar experiences or has suffered from an ED in the past? 

 

[Guest nankdatank]

In all honesty, I doubt very few of us here are qualified to give that sort of advice but sounds like you need to seek medical opinion from psychologist.

[Guest]

 

18 minutes ago, nankdatank said:

In all honesty, I doubt very few of us here are qualified to give that sort of advice but sounds like you need to seek medical opinion from psychologist.

I do have the proper help and medical support that I need for the ED. I just don't feel comfortable discussing the fetish side of things with my psychologist or specialist. I guess I was just hoping that I wasn't the only one on here who has this experience. 

[gta]

I fully agree with @nankdatank, a professional medical opinion would be the best path here. I have noticed that media promoting eating disorder awareness no longer just focuses on anorexia and bulimia. I have seen/heard several campaigns lately that speak solely to binge eating, and Overeaters Anonymous has been around for years now. I think the medical research and awareness campaigns are now focusing more on the initial input (food consumption), rather than the result (fluctuations in weight or purging). What I'm getting at is I would hesitate to call the weight gain aspect a fetish, while calling everything else eating disorders.

Please keep in mind that I am not giving professional medical advice, your psychologist is the most qualified resource on this topic.

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, gta said:

I fully agree with @nankdatank, a professional medical opinion would be the best path here. I have noticed that media promoting eating disorder awareness no longer just focuses on anorexia and bulimia. I have seen/heard several campaigns lately that speak solely to binge eating, and Overeaters Anonymous has been around for years now. I think the medical research and awareness campaigns are now focusing more on the initial input (food consumption), rather than the result (fluctuations in weight or purging). What I'm getting at is I would hesitate to call the weight gain aspect a fetish, while calling everything else eating disorders.

Please keep in mind that I am not giving professional medical advice, your psychologist is the most qualified resource on this topic.

Thank you for your advice.

I don't have issues with BED or anything like that - sorry if there was any misunderstanding there. I have always enjoyed watching others gain and finding it erotic when I gained weight, even though I do get scared about weight gain once I get out of fantasy-land. Perhaps the two aren't separate entirely, but I wouldn't really say it was a problem or linked to my disorder.  

[Guest]

Because I can't edit my original post, I would like to add that all I really want to know is if there is anyone here who has dealt with an ED while harbouring a WG fetish or the like, and how they dealt with it. I do have the help I need, however, I'm not comfortable sharing this part of myself with those people.

[Dr. Feeder]

I'm not really a doctor and can't give medical advice but:

1. I have chatted with women who have overcome eating disorders by becoming feedees and getting fat (or at least chubby) on purpose. So I have no hard data on this but I'm pretty sure it's possible.

2. Obesity is not the best thing for your health, but it's way safer than anorexia or bulimia. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. One consequence is that if someone gives you a hard time about getting fat, you can say "Hey, it's better than anorexia!" 

3. I have also asked on an ff forum if people have told their therapists about their feedism. All who replied reported that their therapists were very supportive and not judgy about it.

4. Feedees are often conflicted about gaining, but often less conflicted the more they gain. You may find this to be true as well.

[hiro]

Everyone who has replied so far has reading comprehension problems.

I've never heard of this before, and there aren't really all that many feedees on this site, so your odds of finding kinship here are unlikely.

If you need someone to talk with, I suggest finding someone in an analogous situation. Maybe a gay person from a religious background. They have gone through an experience of having sexual urges, but having other beliefs/desires that conflict with them. You might not be able to find anyone who really understands, but maybe someone who can relate somewhat.

I understand not being able to tell a therapist everything. Psychology, psychiatry, and psychotherapy are limited disciplines, and practitioners are actually skilled at addressing only a small percentage of life problems.

[Guest nankdatank]

@Adorabubble May I suggest that you pose this question on ** (if you know what I mean). Pm if unsure. More likely to get a response from someone in a similar situation than on here.

[shady2003]

Hi @Adorabubble

I've seen two gainers in the community who have had anorexia and turned into feedee's- skinnyimpaired (who has a thread here) and feedee leah who has a youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3qyBvsoo-bQxytWgVU_AsA

 

Hope that helps!

 

 

[Guest]

@shady2003, thanks for that! It is good knowing that there are others that have had the same issues and I'm not the only one.  

Honestly, I didn't have high hopes of finding anyone who could relate to it, but I thought I would give it a shot anyway.

[OscarWinner]

18 hours ago, Adorabubble said:

Hi! I'm not exactly sure if this is the right place to post this but here goes:

Despite suffering from an eating disorder since I was a child, I have always been fascinated with weight gain and found indulging in the experience surprisingly erotic. I do enjoy gaining weight, but it also terrifies me. Coupled with anorexia, it's caused a lot of confusing feelings and has led me to relapse in the past. In spite of this, I feel like the enjoyment I get from gaining has helped me come to terms with becoming a healthy weight and loving my body. 

Anorexia and bulimia have ruled my life for the past year and I got very sick as a result. In a bid to try and turn things around, I have made a huge effort to recover over the past few months. Inevitably, I've gained weight due to recovery and eating normally, and am currently feeling very anxious about the gain. Part of me wants to enjoy it and even continue gaining with more intention. However, I also feel like I want to succumb to the disorder as I felt more in control and less confused when my only aim was to be as small and unnoticeable as possible. I'm not entirely sure how to deal with how I feel and don't really feel like I have anyone I can talk to about this stuff. 

I'm wondering if there is anyone here who shares similar experiences or has suffered from an ED in the past? 

 

The odd thing is a lot of heavy people say that their fatness makes them feel invisible. Maybe it's because so many people today are overweight/obese or it's because the majority of people who care enough to notice a large person is someone who is drawn to them - as in, more people don't care about the heavyset person than those who "judge" them.

In terms of people to talk to about this subject, I will say this: there are 2 females on this forum who have an ED past but have either dabbled in feedism or have drawn from it to "heal" themselves, for lack of a better term. They tend to post irregularly; they've been going through some tough life events as of late.
Recently, I've stumbled across another female on tumblr. She too has been dealing with troublesome personal happenings and hasn't posted there in a little while. For some reason, I'm certain she'll be back soon.

I don't know if talking to them is the best thing for you, at least now, given their situations. But do give them some well wishes. They could use the boost and that's a great way to open up.

[Guest]

@OscarWinner, thank you for this - you're probably right. I also don't want to cause others who are going through this to feel the same way as I do, or remind them of things they have gone through. It's a tricky area to navigate, really. I think what I draw from the knowledge that there are others here who are like me is that it is something that I can deal with, even if it does largely have to be a solitary effort. 

[Guest]

Yeah, you're definitely not the only one who's struggled with these conflicting feelings.  There are a good number of ED-recovered individuals who harbor or follow through on desires to gain weight.  I also think that the are intrinsically linked.

Over the course of my complicated relationship with fatness, I also struggled with disordered eating for quite some time.  It's so confusing growing up, when the cute, chubby girls I felt attracted to got made fun of for their weight.  Since I was young, even before I'd had a truly sexual thought, I'd been attracted to weight gain.  But then everywhere you turn, you're told that weight gain is one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and that fat is maybe the least desirable state a person can be in.  The messages I received again and again were that my inherent sexuality, and the people and bodies I was naturally attracted to, was an unnatural perversion.  Even in these contemporary times, long after the days when religious dogma governed sexuality, I nevertheless grew up feeling that my sexuality was a sin.  And it wasn't sex and sexuality itself that gave me such inner turmoil, but the fact that my sexuality, attractions, and desires were WRONG!  I tried again and again to be like normal people, and to be attracted to the things I was supposed to.

And later, when I found that I was gaining weight, I, too, was terrified.  My confidence was so low that I hardly wanted to leave my room.  I felt like I had to hit the gym and slim up before I could do anything social and became very withdrawn.  And yet, while all of this was going on, I enjoyed my new softness.  Alone and away from the opinions of others, I liked my new weight and was always playing with my belly.  But I was incredibly sensitive to any comments about my weight from others, and assumed that everyone was looking at me negatively.

Self love is a journey, one that's often long and hard.  Many a person who has found self love and positivity still has the scars, both psychological and from body harm, to show their past struggles.  But you sound like you're on the right track!  I'm glad to hear you're recovering and hope you can find some self love for yourself!

[Guest]

On 1/18/2016 at 6:10 AM, sower said:

Yeah, you're definitely not the only one who's struggled with these conflicting feelings.  There are a good number of ED-recovered individuals who harbor or follow through on desires to gain weight.  I also think that the are intrinsically linked.

Over the course of my complicated relationship with fatness, I also struggled with disordered eating for quite some time.  It's so confusing growing up, when the cute, chubby girls I felt attracted to got made fun of for their weight.  Since I was young, even before I'd had a truly sexual thought, I'd been attracted to weight gain.  But then everywhere you turn, you're told that weight gain is one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and that fat is maybe the least desirable state a person can be in.  The messages I received again and again were that my inherent sexuality, and the people and bodies I was naturally attracted to, was an unnatural perversion.  Even in these contemporary times, long after the days when religious dogma governed sexuality, I nevertheless grew up feeling that my sexuality was a sin.  And it wasn't sex and sexuality itself that gave me such inner turmoil, but the fact that my sexuality, attractions, and desires were WRONG!  I tried again and again to be like normal people, and to be attracted to the things I was supposed to.

And later, when I found that I was gaining weight, I, too, was terrified.  My confidence was so low that I hardly wanted to leave my room.  I felt like I had to hit the gym and slim up before I could do anything social and became very withdrawn.  And yet, while all of this was going on, I enjoyed my new softness.  Alone and away from the opinions of others, I liked my new weight and was always playing with my belly.  But I was incredibly sensitive to any comments about my weight from others, and assumed that everyone was looking at me negatively.

Self love is a journey, one that's often long and hard.  Many a person who has found self love and positivity still has the scars, both psychological and from body harm, to show their past struggles.  But you sound like you're on the right track!  I'm glad to hear you're recovering and hope you can find some self love for yourself!

Thank you so much for this! It's really reassuring to hear from somebody who understands the experience - and the conflicting feelings - that come as a result. I feel like a lot of the thoughts you've shared really encapsulate how I feel about weight-gain, on myself and on other girls.