Decisions, regrets and the benefit of hindsight

[serendipity]

I've been thinking for some time that we generally only see the positive side of our preference, the confidence in our decisions if you like. I'm interested to hear whether anyone has ended up with a larger girl, embarked on a gaining programme (either themselves or a partner) and has either had a change of heart, or a realisation they've gone past the point they're comfortable and why that is.

For example, you helped your partner get to 200lbs and then realised you weren't entirely happy with the outcome. That could be for all sorts of reasons: weight distribution, health, cost, societal pressures etc. We have seen this from the gainer's side a few times but I'm not sure I've ever read it from the other side of the fence.

I was prompted to consider this after reading many posts here over the years where "bigger is better" in the literal sense of the term - can that really be true, and do we consider the risk we won't like the outcome when we set a goal? It can be hard, after all, to stop, lose or even realise we feel this way without the benefit of hindsight.

[hiro]

Experiences like these are possible for any human activity when we focus too much on one thing or fail to moderate. Either exercise caution and seek balance, or commit to a path and never look back. Mixing the two approaches is madness.

[Garlic]

My other half has gained tons of weight which I like and it was an accident. But she has health problem which are more problematic because of the weight.

[Guest MUSEic]

My other half has gained tons of weight which I like and it was an accident. But she has health problem which are more problematic because of the weight.

Care to explain? I'm interested in Serendipity's question too, and maybe a more sobering description would be more... sobering?

[Garlic]

She already has issues with her bowel and bladder and with the expanding of the fat cells pressing against those areas, it causes the issues to exasperate. Plus she had high blood pressure on and off before. She wants to lose weight but doesn't try.

Plus, she already had mobility problems which mean she can't walk very far or do any dedicated exercise at all. But, still, with her medication causing huge weight gain, there seems like little chance she'll stop gaining any time soon.

When we met, she had a BMI of about 16 and noes she's up over 30.

[serendipity]

Interesting Master WG; what's been your mental/emotional response to that?

[vennie]

Probably excited as fuck

[TemporaryFlamins]

I've missed the alluring eyes of Serendipity's avatar.  It takes me back to the heady days of summer 2007, when the world was brighter and the rivers flowed with chocolate and the children laughed and danced and played with gumdrop smiles...

Anyway, with my 100% success rate in completely failing to persuade any woman to ever gain so much as a single pound, I'm interested to see how this thread plays out.  I'm hoping there have been a lot of bitter regrets and sudden unexpected heart-attacks/getting harpooned that made the whole thing monstrously impracticable.  This way, I'll feel much better about only ever being around girls who actively seem to lose weight in my presence.

[gta]

I used to have a bigger is better mentality, especially a decade ago when I started actively participating in the community. It was also around this time that I had my first serious girlfriend. When we first met, she was quite thin, almost athletic in shape, and wore size 3 pants. For reference, she was about 5'4" and weighed 120ish pounds. During our first year together, she accidentally put on somewhere between 5-10 pounds. As a testosterone-driven 18 year old, that turned me on like no other. I soon couldn't hide my preferences and discussed them with her. To my bewilderment, she was open to my preferences and seemed to take relief in me finding her attractive with a few more pounds.

We dated for almost four more years, with her putting on about 10 pounds each year. While 175 doesn't seem big by Curvage standards, she was considerably bigger than when we had first met. Her pants size was now in the teens and she had chub everywhere. However, it was also at this time that her doctor started warning her more and more about her health. She felt less and less confident in her body, no matter how turned on I was. Instead of us reveling in thoughts of indulgence and curves, we now argued about her weight. She feared she would never stop putting on weight and would soon not be able to have the active lifestyle she enjoyed so much. I was blinded by my weight gain preferences to have enough empathy, so I naively kept trying to reassure her that she was fine.

I'm not saying that my sexual preferences killed the relationship alone, but I found out through mutual friends that she lost all of the weight not too long after our breakup. As my one friend said, she told her that did not realize how miserable she had become by putting on weight. I look back on it now and feel guilty about how much I pressured her those last couple of years. I was selfish in wanting her to be miserable for my sexual benefit. She didn't mind a few extra pounds, but having "you're officially obese" said to her by her doctor hit her very hard.

Fast forward to my next serious relationship, I saw the other side of the negative impacts of weight. I started seriously dating a girl who had weight loss surgery a year prior, losing over 100 pounds as a result. The surgery was recommended to her because the extra weight was having too negative of an impact on her health, for being that young. I can say that it was difficult at times to witness some of the permanent side effects of WLS. There were frequent stomach aches, nausea, difficulties with proper hydration, fears of internal lacerations around the surgery site, issues with staying regular, etc. She too knew of my preferences, we spoke of it openly. Having learned from my prior relationship and facing the contradictions of what I like and her having had WLS, that relationship dynamic was interesting. I did find her very attractive, and learned how to simply appreciate beauty instead of fixating on fetishes of weight gain, overeating, etc.

With my current girlfriend, she was curvy before I met her. She is very active, but unfortunately has a slow metabolism. She knows I find her attractive and that I admire curves, but I have refused to bring in fetish-laced sexuality into the relationship. It's been a great relief to no longer be dominated by my FA fixations, instead focusing on the many other intricate parts of a relationship.

So, my experience has been that the more I try to make my relationship a "paysite experience", the more damage I seem to have caused. This is perhaps why I have been critical lately of behavior that seems too focused on an aspect of our fetishes. I project my own experience with selfish indulgence and forgetting that the curves are part of another human with their own thoughts and feelings.

[Guest MUSEic]

I can identify with that GTA, and good on you for recognizing it. I dated a bigger girl, about 220. She was really into exercise, but the first few months I kept dreaming up ways of telling her about the fetish, and her just dropping the exercise regimen completely and all that. If she had, she definitely would have blown up, and I knew that.

One day, I mentioned it was kinda sexy when girls gain weight. She was really curious, but as the conversation got closer to the thought of getting her into it, the more I lost sight of her feelings. Eventually it got to the point where she questioned if she even turned me on, which she did. We were talking on the phone, so at that point I just decided to drop it and "clear my head." I told her I never wanted to talk about it again, and we were happier than we ever were after that for several months. The relationship ended up not working out for reasons really beyond our control, but it was good, the sex was good, and weight gain never entered the equation.

I toyed a lot with the idea in my head, sabotaging her diet and what not, but once you're in a relationship, one that's not just a glorified fuck buddy, you care about the other person's happiness. And my girlfriend would have been miserable. She loved to work out, and she hated being big, not that she couldn't be confident, but to force her to gain would have only drove a wedge between her and her friends. So I actually started going out of my way to help her lose weight, going on runs, to the gym, avoiding alcohol, etc. And to be honest, the relationship's unhappiest points (for me) were the ones where I toyed the most with the thought of weight gain. For my own personal "needs" and for our relationship. It fucks with your head. It's a lovely idea, but you begin to objectify your girlfriend, and it's insatiable. You forget everything else that makes her more than a sex piece.

Now, I limit that stuff to girls who are interested in it only. It's not worth it in my opinion. It makes you and unbearable asshole, because the entire conversation becomes a means to convincing them to gain weight and it's never received well. I can only imagine what the insufferable douches who lack a conscience put these girls through. In fact, I can, because many girls whom I talk to, tell me about the terrible shit FA's say. It often makes me ashamed to be associated with this site and this idea.

[Guest myownway]

When I got into the weight gain stuff I was still before my first serious relationship. Obviously, I realized that finding a woman willing to gain weight is close to finding a unicorn, not to mention one that I could form a long-term relationship with. So I basically thought that since I like the result more than I like the process, I just need to seek my future lady among ladies who are already quite big and preferably ok with it. Now, it's worth noting that where I live 170 lbs is considered quite big for a 5'4" lady, for example. So I started frequenting BBW chats and after two unsuccessful dates, the third one turned out a success - in terms of chemistry, in terms of the lady's personality and in terms of her looks as well. Anyway, that was the gal that is my wife today, and at that time she was 185 lbs at 5'6", with quite pretty hourglass/pear figure. I was quite upfront about what I like already when we chatted online, so she knew I like her being plump, I definitely wouldn't push on her to lose any of it and if she gained I would not mind and I would actually like it. And she was actually quite happy about it, on one hand because her previous bf insisted on her losing weight and it was stressing for her and secondly because she already tried losing weight and had little or no success despite trying quite hard.

So, fast forward almost 8 years later and she's close to 240 lbs. Meanwhile it turned out why - thyroid issues and insulin resistance, resulting in a bit of hormonal imbalance. The first problems is already controlled, but she still gains weight - recently even faster than before for some reason. And currently we're doing our best to get the other one in check and I have quite a big part in doing all the research in that matter in order to help. It's quite possible that once the second problem is resolved my wife stops gaining and might even start losing weight. I'm aware of that and I'm not worried too much, for couple of reasons, one of them being that she doesn't want to lose a lot and she will probably use her improved condition to eat more food that she likes, since she's quite a foodee. So perhaps there won't even be any weight loss at all.

But in relation to the topic... What were my decisions? Well:

(1) I dated a big girl and I married her. Meanwhile I provided an environment for her to feel ok and where she would feel no extrinsic pressure to lose weight - or gain, for that matter. The former I did perfectly, the latter a bit less, mostly due to the fact that she always knew what I like and even if I make no pressure, she still feels some due this fact alone.

(2) I created a gain-facilitating environment, in a way. I mean, I took her for eating out often and I cook for her a lot, and she likes all of since, like I mentioned, she's quite a foodee. I also sometimes restocked the treats so that when she got hungry or simply had an urge to eat something good, she could find it instead of walking away empty handed. On one hand I did that because I wanted to give her pleasure, but on the other I did expect it to give her an extra pound or two a year.

(3) When she wanted to diet, I did not discourage her (turns out that it might actually have contributed to her gain, since she never lasted long and all that such a short diet did was slowing down her metabolism for a good while longer), nor did I ever tried to talk her into gaining weight. I basically just reinforced her feeling good at whatever size she was at the time and I honestly said that I like her current size best. After a while she actually pointed out to me that I always like her current size best because it's always the biggest ever, and I guess she had a point, but I never told her that I liked her better when she was bigger, for example (since there were 2 occasions when she did lose weight - one during a hospital stay and another, when she lost retained water after she was put on thyroid medication).

(4) And now, like I said, I work at helping with her condition. I hope it won't result in weight loss but I won't stop if it does. I guess no one should be surprised that I prefer her losing a bit of her plumpness due to treatment than developing hypertension, type II diabetes or some serious hormonal disorders in case of lack of such treatment.

Ok, and regrets? Fortunately I don't have any. With her condition, she would gain nevertheless, maybe even more, because prior to meeting me, she had problems with binge eating, as she confessed to me one day, and they stopped once our relationship got steady, since she felt emotionally safer. And second thing is I got her into healthier, less processed food. So perhaps her calorie intake stayed the same, but it sure started coming with more nutrients. I also don't regret not doing anything to make her lose weight - besides, she never expected that from me and she told me herself that it would only make her feel insecure if I pushed her to it - she said it's enough if I don't make it harder for her - so that's how I behave. Besides, as far as we currently know - she had all these conditions much earlier than we met and it's quite certain that these conditions cause her to gain weight, not the other way round. And now even if they will be controlled, her metabolism will never be 100% normal again.

I love how my wife looks now at 240 lbs, so I definitely wouldn't regret having any potential impact on her getting that big when it comes to that angle. And I guess I'm in this quite comfortable position where the idea of her losing weight does not come as a horror, since there's more to our relationship and my attraction to her than just weight. As far as I can tell from my own feelings, her weight loss would not have the slightest negative impact on our sex life at least as long as she stayed in the curvy territory. Beyond that I simply can't tell, but realistically speaking it's not going to happen anyway, unless her metabolism shifted 180 degrees. On the other hand, I do fantasize about her getting bigger. It's not that I crave it or feel it has to happen. I simply know I would like it and judging from what the last 50 lbs did to her body, I'd happily welcome another 50. Well, to be honest I'd welcome 100 or even 150 too, but I guess anything over 300 lbs might start causing too any practical problems for her to be comfortable with it. And, obviously, it would have to happen without any health complications, which is another thing that makes me happy with her current weight. 240 lbs at 5'6" is very plush already and I'm happy that her gain hitherto did not bring cause any extra health problems. So I prefer not to push my luck, or our common luck - mine and hers, that is.

[Jon_Blaze]

I'm not a feeder, and I am not sure if I ever will become one. Over the past few years however, I've had moments where I almost felt like an encourager. I have a more "Live and Let Live" perspective when it comes to potential partners, and even though I never really egged on anyone to gain, there were moments where I gave extreme approval. It mostly involved models and the like, but it started to spill over into potential partners. It was different for me because my preferences are interlaced with acceptance, but thankfully it hasn't affected my core. It started becoming an issue for me that likely stemmed from my consumption of content.

My dating history is abysmal, so I haven't gotten a chance to really see any major issues related to my preference. My ex is 5'8" and 321 pounds, but we only dated for about a month (and are still friends). The only issue beyond incompatibility was she thought I paid too much attention to her midsection. Prior to that I had a relationship that made me question my development as a person, a relationship where she lost 100 pounds and ribbed me for my preferences, high school puppy love , and a bunch of failed attempts that never really came to fruition.

Being an FA isn't an issue for me, but I want to have more control over my expression of it like I did in the past. Fantasy and reality aren't necessarily compatible. Sexual attraction and schwing aren't synonymous either, but I consumed so much content the two things almost became one in the same. I don't question who I am as much as the best way to express myself. I still generally show interest in women I already think are great. Thanks to this lovely site, that's also starting to include curvy thin women for the first time in years.

I think an important issue related to this thread is the difference between dating someone whose size and(or) shape is a component of why you are attracted to them versus it being an integral part of the relationship. Most of my relationships have been the former, but the struggles I mentioned made me almost want them to become the latter.

Do I think it's important to calculate risks? Yes, but that goes with all facets of a relationship.