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My girlfriend brought up her interest in a threesome..


7_boi

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... and I'm conflicted about it. We've been dating for about three months, and we get along great (I've never had a girlfriend before her, so I don't know what's normal, but we share all our feelings and stuff and we're direct woth each other). After having sex the other night (and our sex is awesome, we agree on that), she mentioned that she had taken part in threesomes before (when she was single) and would be open to having one "when things need spiced up." She said she's not bi or curious, but is only interested in a having another girl involved, one who we don't know well.

When I was single, this was one of those "like that will ever happen" bucket list items. But now, even though it's really turny-ony, I can't wrap my head around the idea of actually going through with it. The thought of cheating on my girlfriend makes me feel weird, and the idea of touching and being touched by someother girl IN FRONT OF HER would make me feel terrible inside. I know a lot of people say it isn't cheating which I can accept, but knowing that doesn't do anything about the awful, nasty feeling that I'm sure I'll feel.

On the other hand, I want to give her the best sex possible, and it IS a really turny-ony thing, like I'd said.

Any thoughts?

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You can be GGG* and still have your own limits. And that seems to be a reasonable limit.

* A Dan Savage term. It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and it means one should strive to be good in bed, giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and game "for anything—within reason."

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I think something you should do is talk it out with her. Just say something like "I appreciate that thought and while it has been a fantasy of mine for a while, I'm not sure I feel comfortable with it. It is something I'd like to talk with you about more as I have some concerns about having a threesome."

This way you can ask her questions and the like since you are both pretty open about communication. Plus you can say that while it doesn't appeal to you right now, it is something you would be willing to consider.

I do completely get where you are coming from though as many relationships have different boundaries that they are okay with. I know for both my boyfriend and I that while it would be hot to have a threesome, we are both not comfortable in a threesome setting, though my boyfriend has said he wouldn't mind me doing things with another girl while he watched. It's one of those things as well because depending on your culture, it may be more okay. But ultimately it comes down to if you are okay with it and if your partner is able to respect your feelings and wishes on the matter.

Overall, if you are both okay with it, it isn't cheating. But if at any point, your or your partner feel uncomfortable, that is a point to stop. In this situation, communication is key.

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My wife has expressed interest in a threesome (with a girl) before as well. I've toyed with the idea, but never seriously considered it largely because I don't want jealousy to come into play. It would be different, however, if she was just a girlfriend.

Unless you're planning on marrying this chick, I'd go for it. However, if you think you've got something very special with this girl, I'd advise you to think long and hard over whether or not introducing a third party is going to lead to a fun night, but problems down the road. Provided that she's being loyal, right now she is your girl. I'm not saying you own her like property, but there is a level of emotional possession that simply comes with any strong, monogamous relationship. You trust her... she trusts you, and this serves (or should serve) as the emotional bedrock of much of what you do as a couple.

Welcoming another player into that mix has the potential to open wounds you didn't even know existed. You might not feel a spec of jealousy towards anyone your partner interacts with, but it's quite possible that this is simply due to the fact that you trust her that much. In many ways, a threesome is like inviting cheating. You're not actually cheating, of course, because it's consensual, but a lot of people's subconscious can't tell the difference. The internet is littered with horror stories of threesomes 'gone wrong.' It's something to at least ponder about before committing to.

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Guest myownway

I really don't understand the appeal of a threesome; I'd much rather just fuck each girl separately.

For me the best option is having fun with with one, but the size of two ;).

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As someone who has actually been through this before?  I'm just going to say the following.

1.  I think it's pretty awesome you have a girlfriend who even brought the topic up in a positive way.  Honestly, a lot of women are closed-minded about it enough so they not only won't initiate a conversation about it, but will immediately give a very negative "knee jerk" response to any guy who suggests the idea.

2.  If you feel uncomfortable with the idea, then by all means tell her exactly how you feel. About the only way that wouldn't wind up going over well is if she has some secret interest in other women (or even some particular woman she knows) and isn't actually so happy in the current relationship, as it stands. If that's the case? You may as well find out the truth sooner instead of later. Otherwise, I think she'd just be happy to hear you're so into her, you don't even want to experiment with adding anyone else in the bedroom.

3.  IMO, the way these things work the best, with the least possibility of unwanted complications or feelings screwing the relationship up, is if the two of you already have a willing, mutual friend, who you're both already very comfortable being around. A long history has already established that it's really "just friends" between both of you and this third person. I think some people try to bring total strangers in as the "third person" -- and I guess there's an element of comfort doing that, at least in the case of having nothing to be embarrassed about around the person you don't know anyway. But it also means that person has no vested interest in caring that you stay together as a happy couple. If feelings develop, the third person could try to drive a wedge between you....

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3.  IMO, the way these things work the best, with the least possibility of unwanted complications or feelings screwing the relationship up, is if the two of you already have a willing, mutual friend, who you're both already very comfortable being around. A long history has already established that it's really "just friends" between both of you and this third person. I think some people try to bring total strangers in as the "third person" -- and I guess there's an element of comfort doing that, at least in the case of having nothing to be embarrassed about around the person you don't know anyway. But it also means that person has no vested interest in caring that you stay together as a happy couple. If feelings develop, the third person could try to drive a wedge between you....

QFT. I agree that this is the only way to go about this if you're already in a serious relationship.

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I really don't understand the appeal of a threesome; I'd much rather just fuck each girl separately.

It's like saying 'I want to eat two meals simultaneously.'

But it's hot when you're eating two meals and the burrito says "yeah baby, you eat that bacon cheeseburger. Eat it. Eat it like you're going to eat me in a minute."

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Wow, thanks for your input, everyone!

She hasn't brought it up again, so I guess I'll cross this bridge when I come to it. And then I'll be ready to discuss it better than I already would have.

Next things get saucy, we're gonna try something a little less adventurous: whipped cream  ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...

My wife has asked me about this a few times

It can have 3 meanings:

1- she wants a threesome (but then there are the pitfalls Queen Vic mentioned)

2- she's bored in bed (still, same pitfalls but many ways to fix this issue)

3- she's testing or asking if you're bored in bed but doesn't want to directly ask

More often than not, I suspect it's been number 2, since after spicing things up she's dropped the subject - it's inevitable to fall into a routine or doing things you like better than others often, but both need to become aware when needed and mix it up. Every now and then, I am certain it's been number 3.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You can be GGG* and still have your own limits. And that seems to be a reasonable limit.

* A Dan Savage term. It stands for Good, Giving, and Game, and it means one should strive to be good in bed, giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and game "for anything—within reason."

And all this time I thought GGG only stood for German Goo Girls.

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  • 5 months later...

As someone who's been a part of multiple threesomes, I can tell you that if one person is feeling ANY hesitation at all, or uneasiness about it...DON'T DO IT!!  Because even if you both have a strong relationship, if you were to do this and not feeling comfortable or uneasy, it can drive a wedge between the 2 of you and destroy a relationship.  When you engage in group sex, which a threesome is, it has to be something you BOTH want to do and BOTH are comfortable with, and comfortable with the person you bring into the bed with you. 

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