A conversation between my Dad and Me.

[Ayumi_Chan]

Here's a conversation I had with my dad on Saturday, and I feel like it relates in some form to what a girl goes through when gaining weight, along with it being someting some guys don't always take into consideration when asking a girl to gain weight.

I had a conversation with my dad the other day when we were on our way to see Thor 2. Of course we talked about how we had anticipated seeing it and we were eagerly looking forward to the kind of antics Loki would be pulling. (Which if you haven't seen Thor 2, go see it and make sure you saw Avengers and the first Thor movie!)

Any ways, this of course was the day after we had my family Thanksgiving and my aunt and uncle hadn't seen me in quite a few months. I believe it had been at least 6 months so of course, those of you that have followed my gain, know I've ballooned in that time.

A little back story here, my Aunt was once severley obese for years. I don't recall her largest weight, but I would wager it was up near 300+. She and my uncle also had a hard time concieving a child for 9 years. They had all the tests done for my uncle, however he was as spry as any mid to late 20 year old male should be. It wasn't till they did tests on my aunt and found that there wasn't anything genetically causing her to have difficulties conceiving, as her mom was able to and her sisters were able to have childrem, that they ruled it down to her weight. And of course my aunt and uncle followed the ovulation schedules, bough tests to help hone in the proper time frame, and would even have doctors verify the proper time frames. However, for 9 years they tried and tried and nothing. It wasn't until my aunt and uncle got accepted into an adoption agency did they get blessed and were able to have a child of their very own. Of course though that wasn't without it's own complications, high blood pressure issues for both my aunt and my future cousin. Once my cousin was born, my aunt and uncle tried for a child a year after. She got pregnant easily, however after 10 weeks, she lost the child. This again attributed to her weight as she was still upwards of 300lbs.

Anyways, I digress.

So my dad had then told me that my Aunt was a bit upset and frustrated at how long it took her to lose all the weight she had and how hard of a time she had conceiving only to see me, seemingly packing on pounds like I had no cares for the issues she faced. In some ways I was partially upset that my aunt and uncle couldn't come to me and talk to me about this, because this was in fact a choice I made by myself. However, I also understood because this was something my uncle had told my dad when they went out shopping. My dad told my uncle slightly that it was my decision what I did. To which I found out that my uncle asked why my dad didn't demand I lose weight even though my dad was worried about my health, which is understandable as my family does have heart related issues along with diabetes.

The way my dad responded made me smile. He said, "I could tell her to lose the weight and force it on her, but what would that accomplish? Nothing. I'd just lose a relationship with my daughter. The only thing I can do is tell her my concerns as a parent and from there it's her decsion as she is old enough to make that on her own."

Of course I should add that my dad did tell me that while he REALLY likes my boyfriend and that he's the best partner I've ever had, he doesn't want me to risk my health for the sake of my boyfriend's sexual preferences. He also added that, "If you decided to gain more and had a hard time conceiving, let alone have a miscarriage, you know I wouldn't have to say anything about what your aunt went through because that is a choice you alone have made."

I know this sounds a bit blunt and almost uncaring to a slight degree, however my dad has never been one to mince words. And he is right that it would be soley a decision I made for myself and one that I have to understand and live with the consequences. Though I can say also that my boyfriend shares the sentiment of my dad, that while he finds me extremely sexy as I am, he doesn't want me risking my health for his own sexual enjoyment.

Anyways, ultimately my dad also asked me about my birth control and asked me if he felt that had any part to do with why I gained so much weight in such a short period of time, which I would say is true as I have always had a passive mindset in regards to gaining weight. I also attribute it to actually having money again and making hearty meals for myself that I feel also unintentionally caused me to gain a lot of weight in a shorter period of time than what had previously been seen.

I think there's something important to pull away from this. That while our sexual preferences or fetishes are something that we hope partners will understand, I think it's vitally important to understand what lays beneath the surface in regards to asking a girl to gain weight. Because you're not only asking her to change her eating habits, you're essentially asking her to change her whole self for your sexual desires. And it is a full on transformation, she has to change how she views herself, how others view her, she has to take into consideration her health as she gains, she has to change her wardrobe, she also changes her body shape, and there's a lot more to it than what you would think of off the top when you first think of asking a girl to gain.

Of course, like my story illustrates, ultimately it is the decision of the girl or partner in question as to if they are going to gain or not. It's entirely possible to have a girl that wants to gain weight and get up to the size that is of your ideal, but what's important to take away from this too is that it's not something you do to jepordize her or her own comfort level. I know for me, I said I'd stop actively gaining at 170. And while I have gained to 180 unintentionally, I'm doing what I can to avoid stepping beyond that. Part of that decision is fueled by my family's health issues, but another part is fueled by what I'm comfortable with.

But I think I'll end it with that. I think the last bit of what I wrote got a little off point, but I thought I would share this as I think it's something some people might be interested in reading.

[Dr. Feeder]

I agree, asking a woman to gain weight for you is a big deal.

But if she does go ahead and do it it's about the best gift ever. You're a great girlfriend.

One more thing: fat women may be more prone to miscarriages and infertility, but my understanding is they almost never deliver low birth weight babies. There may be a trade-off there.

[Ayumi_Chan]

I agree, asking a woman to gain weight for you is a big deal.

But if she does go ahead and do it it's about the best gift ever. You're a great girlfriend.

One more thing: fat women may be more prone to miscarriages and infertility, but my understanding is they almost never deliver low birth weight babies. There may be a trade-off there.

That is true about the higher birthweight in babies born to heavier set mothers, and that is a good thing for sure.

[wilan]

It's grammar Nazi time. "A conversation between my Dad and Me."

http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/difficulties/betweenyouandme.html

[Mesmeric]

This is a very good sentiment for both men and women who are gaining. Many respects to your father. Thank you for sharing.

[neighbour5172]

I wonder if your auntie ever practiced healthy living. Being >300lb is one thing, being sedentary and eating badly as well is quite another. You seem pretty on top of things, so I guess you are fine from this angle.

Also, so awesome your Dad's aware of the whole story (AND hasn't judged you). You two must have a great relationship. Thumbs up  :thumbsup:

[Iadmirefitandcurvy]

Good advice.

Btw, did you find that after a certain point, after struggling to gain weight, that it eventually became a self-perpetuating thing that just happened? Once you get used to eating more, it's hard to stop and people tend to keep gaining?

[Guest Atlya]

Your dad is pretty cool, or seems to at least from that point of view. He's worried but talked to you about it and respect your decision, not forcing you to do anything (which would be a bad thing and he knows), but is honest about what he thinks.

That's pretty cool in my book.

[supermachguy]

The idea of "I would like you to gain weight, but I don't want you to risk your health for my sexual pleasure" has been stated before, but it always helps to put a face and a real life story to an abstract idea.  I find your uncle's part in this story very interesting.  So technically, your uncle was like one of us before your aunt lost weight.  One thing that shows is that it is very much possible to be attracted to people of all sizes.  There must have been something deeper than outward appearance if your aunt and uncle have stayed together throughout both ends of the body size spectrum.

[Ayumi_Chan]

I wonder if your auntie ever practiced healthy living. Being >300lb is one thing, being sedentary and eating badly as well is quite another. You seem pretty on top of things, so I guess you are fine from this angle.

Also, so awesome your Dad's aware of the whole story (AND hasn't judged you). You two must have a great relationship. Thumbs up  :thumbsup:

Part of it was that her family didn't really eat well as it was but they were active. On the other hand, I live a more sedentary lifestyle, and I wouldn't claim myself to be the most healthy eater, though I do try. I would say that my aunt does indeed have larger bones and a larger natural frame so she has proportionally always been dispositioned to be heavier, but I would say her diet didn't really help either.

And yes, my relationship with my dad, while it was strained when I was younger, we've been able to repair it and have a healthier one over time. He's an awesome dad without a doubt.

Good advice.

Btw, did you find that after a certain point, after struggling to gain weight, that it eventually became a self-perpetuating thing that just happened? Once you get used to eating more, it's hard to stop and people tend to keep gaining?

Well see, I don't think it was that I was genuinely eating more, moreso than it was the fact that I changed up what I was eating and how I made things. I've noticed for myself that when I eat pre-packaged foods and essentially junk food, my body didn't store the fat like you would think. However, when I started eating heartier meals and things that would be healthier when I finally had money again, I started gaining weight in a more rapid succession.

Your dad is pretty cool, or seems to at least from that point of view. He's worried but talked to you about it and respect your decision, not forcing you to do anything (which would be a bad thing and he knows), but is honest about what he thinks.

That's pretty cool in my book.

Thanks! I think he's a pretty cool dad myself.

It's grammar Nazi time. "A conversation between my Dad and Me."

http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/difficulties/betweenyouandme.html

I was wondering how long it would take before I would grammatically mess up. But thank you for that reminder.

[Ayumi_Chan]

The idea of "I would like you to gain weight, but I don't want you to risk your health for my sexual pleasure" has been stated before, but it always helps to put a face and a real life story to an abstract idea.  I find your uncle's part in this story very interesting.  So technically, your uncle was like one of us before your aunt lost weight.  One thing that shows is that it is very much possible to be attracted to people of all sizes.  There must have been something deeper than outward appearance if your aunt and uncle have stayed together throughout both ends of the body size spectrum.

My uncle is definitely not an FA to put it out there. Mainly he was attracted to her personality and they have been together since their high school days. I definitely recall all the stories when my aunt would tease my uncle and my uncle would tease back. Lol it was cute. But I've asked my uncle before what his preference is and for him, he preferred women who are around 140-150 lbs. He and my aunt illustrate that personalities are more important for most when it comes what is important in a partner.

But yes, I think that this factor of reality is often lost to some when it comes to asking their partner to gain. You know that you've found someone special when you actively think about their health before the desires of your own sexual wants. Though, sometimes that doesn't always equal a lasting relationship as sexual attraction does also play a part as well. And some people would choose to work through that, it's understandable that there are some that would call that an end point in their relationship.

[gta]

Your Dad seems like a stand-up guy when it comes to balancing parenting with understanding that you have your own desires. My girlfriend has struggled with her weight since she was in high school, and her father has been harsh to her at times because of it. He would say things like "you're going to die alone because nobody will find you attractive" - she was eating a granola bar when he said that. She works out several times a week with a trainer and completed a half-marathon earlier this year. She thinks that it is her Dad projecting his own health concerns onto her (he has type 2 diabetes and has mostly ignored it, suffering the consequences). I digress - my point is that I am happy to hear that you have an understanding parent that takes you for who you are.

Your point about asking your partner to gain weight is spot-on. I remember when I was in college, I was thinking about the why of my sexuality, and I pondered about weight gain being one of the most drastic ways you can change your appearance for someone. Of course there are things like dyeing your hair, and getting piercings/tattoos, but those are either temporary or can be hidden. Weight is something that can't be easily undone, and the altering of one's weight for sexual gratification is something to be taken seriously. I have personally concluded that I will not encourage my partner to gain weight, but I know that my preferences allow me to be satisfied with thinner women, nor I do not mostly depend on weight gain for arousal. I see all the posts on this board about someone not being sexually interested in their partner because they won't put on weight, and I feel bad for those people. Either they have to find someone who is comfortable with being the size they want them, or they must find another way to gratify themselves.

Sorry for the ramble, just brain-dumping after being touched by reading your post Ayumi 

[Ayumi_Chan]

Your Dad seems like a stand-up guy when it comes to balancing parenting with understanding that you have your own desires. My girlfriend has struggled with her weight since she was in high school, and her father has been harsh to her at times because of it. He would say things like "you're going to die alone because nobody will find you attractive" - she was eating a granola bar when he said that. She works out several times a week with a trainer and completed a half-marathon earlier this year. She thinks that it is her Dad projecting his own health concerns onto her (he has type 2 diabetes and has mostly ignored it, suffering the consequences). I digress - my point is that I am happy to hear that you have an understanding parent that takes you for who you are.

Your point about asking your partner to gain weight is spot-on. I remember when I was in college, I was thinking about the why of my sexuality, and I pondered about weight gain being one of the most drastic ways you can change your appearance for someone. Of course there are things like dyeing your hair, and getting piercings/tattoos, but those are either temporary or can be hidden. Weight is something that can't be easily undone, and the altering of one's weight for sexual gratification is something to be taken seriously. I have personally concluded that I will not encourage my partner to gain weight, but I know that my preferences allow me to be satisfied with thinner women, nor I do not mostly depend on weight gain for arousal. I see all the posts on this board about someone not being sexually interested in their partner because they won't put on weight, and I feel bad for those people. Either they have to find someone who is comfortable with being the size they want them, or they must find another way to gratify themselves.

Sorry for the ramble, just brain-dumping after being touched by reading your post Ayumi 

That's sad that your girlfriend's dad would do that. It's a really shitty spot. =( But I also know that fathers often times are super protective of their daughters, and I can say that I understand the self-projection, but it's still a shitty thing to do. But either way, I think part of it is that my dad has changed a lot himself over the years and I would say that if this were 5 years ago, I don't think that the results would have been the same in this situation. He and I are a lot alike though, so I think he knows how to say things to me and relate to me in ways that is caring but yet reinforces his role as being my dad.

But I'm glad to hear the ramble. It's nice when users can post things that kind of bring a sense of realism into a preference or desire that's commonly rooted in fantasy. Not that I'm saying it's wrong to have that fantasy, but it's also important to keep things in perspective in the scheme of things too. I personally don't find anything wrong with asking a girl to gain, but what I ultimately have an issue with is when a person forgets that their partner is a person. A person with emotions, goals, and dreams that should be respected. They may be able to respect your preferences and even indulge in the fantasy, but that doesn't mean that it's okay to pressure them into something they aren't okay with. I also find it unsettling when you've got guys who would be willing to go behind their partner's back and force them to gain weight without the other knowing.

[nameless88888888]

It's really cool that your dad can talk to you about that kind of stuff but also not be the kind of person to force something on you that you don't want. That's a very level headed approach, and I know that not everyone would do that. 

And, I understand where your aunt and uncle are coming from, it sounds like they basically just don't want you to experience the same pain that they had. It's still kinda messed up how they went about it, but I think their hearts are in the right place, at least. 

There really is a definite divide between a fetish/fantasy and reality, and I hope that everyone that is a part of this community can understand that and do what's right when it comes down to it and respect their partner's decision with what they do with their body.   

Still, you made an informed decision and you're an adult, and hopefully your aunt and uncle won't hold that against you just because they had a really bad personal experience.  I understand that they don't want anyone else to go through that, but they also probably don't know that you put on weight on purpose and that you're happy with what you've done, and it wasn't just an accident or something.

[mep101]

I know your Father has been understanding but what if things were different like in this video.

Futurama - You so fat

[Ayumi_Chan]

I know your Father has been understanding but what if things were different like in this video.

Well, I'm sure if I were younger and still a teen, things would be different. Not sure how though.

[Vyse]

If there is anyone on Curvage that is balanced and intelligent enough to know what to do its you Ayumi_Chan. You know the risks and you know your family's history well enough. You Dad seems to have tactfully as he knows raised the subject.

I'm not sure I can add anymore than to suggest that the person who knows best is probably you.

[bangs15]

If there is anyone on Curvage that is balanced and intelligent enough to know what to do its you Ayumi_Chan. You know the risks and you know your family's history well enough.

Probably the truest thing I've read this week. I think it's good to have your family's consideration, but also important that you're true to yourself. Your BMI doesn't seem dangerous at all, but I think your dad may have just been concerned about how big you may end up, despite expressing your stopping. What happened to your aunt was awful, but I don't think her emotional vulnerability towards the subject and your subsequent reaction to that should alter how you feel about yourself now.

[Ayumi_Chan]

Probably the truest thing I've read this week. I think it's good to have your family's consideration, but also important that you're true to yourself. Your BMI doesn't seem dangerous at all, but I think your dad may have just been concerned about how big you may end up, despite expressing your stopping. What happened to your aunt was awful, but I don't think her emotional vulnerability towards the subject and your subsequent reaction to that should alter how you feel about yourself now.

The decision towards my gaining and the like has always been my own decision. However I do have some medical related issues such as endometriosis that has a higher probability affecting my chances of getting pregnant in the future, compounded with a larger weight, that's a definite risk that is prominently there. I'm still currently in a higher percentile to be able to get pregnant, but still, that is a concern my doctor/OBgyn has if I were to get bigger and that's why I made the decision to stop actively at 170lbs. By no means does how my family views my weight affect how I see myself, but the difference here is that my family, mom and dad more specifically, at least respects that what I do with my body is my choice. I'll still take their words to heart because I love and care about them, much like I know they love and care about me, but in the long run, it is my decision to make.

[Major Minus]

I can understand where your aunt and uncle are coming from but considering you are no where near her size, it's a bit of an overreaction isn't it? I feel like you set a reasonable weight limit for yourself so that most health risks would be minimal. People really confuse the heck out of me sometimes.