Curvage Model NogutNoglory's Blog

I haven't read all of the thoughts, but wanted to share...

For some, I believe the gaining/feeding fetish is connected to men nurturing women and also reproducing with them. As a species we were originally wired as hunter/gatherers.  The men hunted, fed their women and kids.

For a man, having a woman who is well-fed taps into this wiring. 

This wiring also relates to what happens when we reproduce.  Men do what they do, and women grow (belly, boobs, butt, etc...) as a result.  Natural wiring at work.

So, in some ways it is simple to see why many men enjoy seeing women eat, grow, expand, etc.  It ties into that natural wiring.   

it is not always about power and control, as some may feel.  For some, it is about the pure beauty and blossoming of the female form, wired into how our species continues to flourish.  That is all.

I guess, and that would be all fine and good if I didn't have men on here telling me I'm "objectively ugly" and that men only get off on fat women because the men think fat women are beneath them. I know everyone gets frustrated with me because I hold on to everything- but you can't unread that.

I'm just having a really hard time with all of this right now. Being a model on here has been a great experience in many ways but it's hard for me to enjoy the idea of a stuffing video that may have turned me on in the past because I feel like my unwillingness to do a video like that costs me fans and opportunity, but I don't want to do it at all. I'm more an FA than anywhere near a feeder. Also having been told that guys  jerk off to those videos saying "eat it all you fat disgusting bitch!" makes it completely out of the realm of something I'm comfortable with. This is the shit guys tell me. So I'm not taking shots in the dark about many men on here being into this purely for power, control an degradation. Like berbatum, exactly what they said.

Also last night I went down a rabbit hole of anorexia fetish. A guy on my OF seems to think every girl is fat and said I was even fat at 113-114 so I looked up pictures of truly anorexic women, like are even they thin to you? He just said he wasn't attracted to them. Like these girls need to be hospitalized, they are very very sick.  The fact that he wasn't horrified by their photos is SUSPICIOUS. So this leads me to believe this is yet another one who gets off only on degrading women and doesn't even really like fat.

So then I started looking at the pro ana websites and read an anorexia fetish story- and talk about not being able to unread something!!! Maybe I should look into electro shock therapy. Beyond the realm of fucked up, like the most sadistic serial killer would be disgusted. But then I think of shit I've read on FF or even forums here and it's like ..... Really not that different. It's not, it's fucked up, it's messing with me really badly today.

All this is messing with me more because I am incredibly disgusted with myself for my recent gain, I wanted to do a weigh in and measuring video, but I can't,  I absolutely hate my body right now and worst of all I have proved the "you are going to get so fat" people right that I guess think they were teasing me on FF. So I took that as a challenge and made sure I didn't gain all of quarantine and 7 months of being on here and then in the past couple weeks I wasn't paying enough attention. Stupidly I started fucking with pills and that is the reason for my gain.  It's not a huge amount of weight but definitely enough to really bother me. I know no one is going to be able to wrap their mind around that but think about Elvis, the zillion meds he was on made him fat and bloated, pills are unfortunately not like an injectable. 

Thank God I didn't gain on purpose to get more fans or make more money, in that case I would be suicidal. But like isn't there guys (besides my husband,who is an angel from heaven) that just like women the way they are? Why is everything "get fatter" "die of anorexia" or "you need an ass like Kim Kardasian" "You need to be super toned and spend all day in the gym" "ITS. NEVER. GOOD. ENOUGH!!!".  I just want to model and have people enjoy what I do, that's all.

It just frustrating because I'm not good enough in any realm and I don't know what to do. The deeper I get and the more shit I read the more I judge other people and more importantly myself for being into any of this. 

 

You ARE good enough. I'm sorry so many have degraded you and made you feel this way. It's disgusting. Personally, I am attracted to a wide range of body weights and types. Faces are the most important thing to me and you have a very pretty face. I only engage with someone and the fetish if I believe they want to indulge in it and like it. It sounds like this isn't healthy for you mentally right now, maybe ever. And that's perfectly fine. Please don't look at yourself as not good enough. I know it's hard, but reading all of these different people degrading women's bodies, intentional or not - it's kind of like being on Twitter constantly and just reading all the worst aspects of human beings. 

    I hate that so many women feel so degraded with this stuff and even get suicidal. I'm glad you have an amazing husband who loves you and treats you with respect and loves your body. That's truly what everyone needs, someone to love them unconditionally. The truth is, what you have with him is far greater than what any of these denigrating people have. They should be jealous of you. I wish nothing but the best for you, Dear.

   I feel badly that this blog you started has brought back some feelings from past experiences. To echo @MarshallT, you have a wonderful husband, and many admiring fans on this site who admire you because you ARE different (not a gainer) and also because you are not afraid to express your opinions.

   You have had some bad experiences on here and other sites and those can’t be erased or forgotten. But these are people who apparently need to degrade others to maintain their own self esteem. Try your best to prevent them from succeeding!! I can only imagine how you feel, but I have not experienced your personal pain, resentment and frustrations. It’s easy for me to say this,  but I hope you can somehow re-focus on those who respect and yes, ADMIRE you, and leave the detractors behind!

   You are a very physically attractive, creative, honest, respectful and generous woman and I am so sorry to hear you doubting your efforts to bring joy, beauty and humor to these forums. Please know that many of us are here to send you our support, our best regards, and hopes that you will feel better. 💕💕 😁

I mentioned earlier the connections between sexuality and social reality, and I think this really comes into play again.

Look at these men who want to degrade women/sexual partners/sexual 'exploits'/etc, and who are more interested in the power, rather than the person... in the social realm, they usually have absolutely nothing. 

Even you briefly referred to Serial Killers, often those that are sexually motivated, have some sort of social problem they are trying to remedy. 

The issue is we've built a society that makes these terrible, destructive, and evil routes, the easier ones for people to access. 

If we cared more for people on an economic, social, and political level, we'd see a lot of this 'darkness' disappear. This also isn't meant to let those people off the hook either, because though they might have cause for their behaviour, their behavious is still wrong. You should not be going around attempting to take advantage of people, even digitally, for some means to address your own pain and suffering. 

And also, with sex work, I wish more people treated it like any other business. Then again, a lot of people are also malice and rude in those places too 

Just dropping by to say this has been a great and very insightful read. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond to this blog. Having spoken to NGNG at great lengths on this subject, I know this is something very near and dear to her. ❤️ 

Wow.  This stunned me.  I would have never thought this site could have gone so deep.  Nogut, you are beautiful and superb in your own right to yourself and anyone that can view you as the beautiful goddess that you are.  It appals me that people on here would strike you done for not being the bulbus fat chick that they want. But that doesn't have to be you and thier opinions of you don't matter. I have not read nore learned the backstory on all this, but don't go further than you want to go, don't be compelled; don't listen to these internet people that choose to target you and push you further than you want to go.  That is on them.  Be well and carry on.

Honestly, thank you for sharing your vision on things it undoubtedly will make people think about this subject, their own actions and themselves as well. 
 

I highly agree with @MarshallT and @cycling1951 to begin with, I believe there are some that ruin it for the others by their submissive, blunt and careless actions. Thinking they are the bomb and looking for recognition or something. I don’t get that either! 
 

So let’s share how I look at it from my perspective. I consider myself to be a FA. I don’t have a very narrow bodyweight/BMI related window in which I find a woman attractive. Because I can find a woman of 160lbs very attractive yet I can also find another woman of 350 lbs equally as attractive. Yet I have trouble to find (very)skinny woman attractive. For me they should have got some meat on their bones so to say. I think texture does play a role in that sense.  
 

Furthermore I don’t have the ‘rule‘ that a chubby/fat woman should always have been heavier in their childhood for me to be attracted to them. Actually I don’t really care about that. I do care about their own development what they have been through in life and why they are who they are now. I’m highly attracted to woman who are confident with themselves, and maybe even more if they have found their true self after thinking they didn’t fit in. I do want people in general to feel good about themselves. I do have the tendency to compliment curvaceous/bigger/heavier woman more than skinny woman, and will only do that if I mean it. I believe the heavier woman get too less recognition and positive feedback. To me they may be proud at them selves and about who they are. That supermodel industry and fake role models do disturb me a lot. I am so glad with plus size models and realistic campaigns! Change the mind of young woman that it is okay to be who you are and have some curves that are yours.
 

Ow and yes I am so allergic to people who want to change people (if they haven’t asked them for support/advice/help to change, because then it is okay to me. If it would be all for the better ). I am with you as well on that point as you stated well why don’t find a woman /partner you’re happy with as a start and don’t make them change for you. I also don’t get it why I would start to date a (very) skinny girl and make her chubbier so that I would like her?? Twisted.....

Yet I can appreciate someone who is okay with who they are and the lifestyle they have. Like also when for example they just like to eat and have decided to ditch diets and therefore gain some pounds. I can appreciate that but only without many negative effects(!) Even more so when they seem to be more confident and like themselves more. (Gain related or not) 

My turn off would be an constantly up and down like/dislike self-esteem with a highly weight related drive on ‘beauty‘. Like for example; someone is feeling ugly because there has been a gain of 5lbs.... honestly I prob wouldn’t have noticed it without them saying it or when the scale says it. So to me they only feel ugly because the scale says it. By some it can have such a major impact on someones self-esteem. Suddenly they go from confident and happy to uncertain and feeling like a true failure. Just by the number on the scale... to me that is something I’ll never understand and I can be and about it quite easily.

So maybe I’m more okay with people who are not that weight number driven and whom maybe even be okay with added pounds instead of rotating 180 deg regarding their vibe. 
Yet when in a relationship and it appeares that the partner should be less happy about something and wants to change that, I’ll support that 100%. Because I want them to be happy, first and foremost with themselves. Because I am convinced that I can only love someone who can truly love themself.

Ow and last thing to say, I also don’t agree with ‘the fatter, the better’ because it just isn’t! Some ladies I think they do look better at a higher weight, yet I only have this when it’s proven(!). Because they are that weight now and have been thinner in the past, or when they were heavier in the past and thinner now. Yet I can’t say I think a woman would look much better if she would be X pounds heavier Without knowing how she would look. Because it still highly depends on a woman’s bodyshape and how that would develop, together with her own glow and appearance! 
I also could have this the other way around, a woman for me can also look much better when she was thinner or had lost some weight (yet is a bit chubby, due to the texture, tactile thing?) 
Because when she would be unhappy at a heavier weight and happy after a weight loss, I can truly admire the effort and will be more than happy with her at a lower weight!

Welll... it has been quite a story and hope you’ll find it interesting to read. Furthermore I hope it is also a clear story lol. If someone would have any questions about it, please ask!

5 hours ago, maf said:

My turn off would be an constantly up and down like/dislike self-esteem with a highly weight related drive on ‘beauty‘. Like for example; someone is feeling ugly because there has been a gain of 5lbs.... honestly I prob wouldn’t have noticed it without them saying it or when the scale says it. So to me they only feel ugly because the scale says it. By some it can have such a major impact on someones self-esteem. Suddenly they go from confident and happy to uncertain and feeling like a true failure. Just by the number on the scale... to me that is something I’ll never understand and I can be and about it quite easily.

For me 5 lbs is a huge amount (I'm only 5'1) and in my newer videos people could tell without me even telling them and commented on it  and I can definitely feel it.*** You will never understand that because you aren't a woman and don't understand what it's like to have your weight be judged constantly by everyone whether you are putting yourself out there to be looked at or just going about your business, it's inescapable.***

Also being taunted on FF really makes it much worse. I posted a pic of me in a school girl outfit 8 months ago and someone commented     "You're not going to be able to wear these tiny outfits much longer. Soon you'll be waddling into Lane Bryant with a sagging belly, thick thighs, a massive ass and a round face with a thick double chin wondering how you ruined your formerly tight body"        like dude I'm a size 6-8! At that time I had gained 10-12 lbs from my "normal thin weight" what makes that jerk think he can predict the fucking future, 8 months later still no Lane Bryant! But any weight gain at all takes away from my feeling of "fuck you! You don't know me"   So many guys don't know how to tease properly. Also FF is shit, I'm glad that people from there directed me to here.

On FF I got trolled about my age, nasty messages about it and one person acted like I was "kink shaming" for telling him what an asshole he was for basically messaging me and saying "are you fat because you're old?" 

There is a significant amount of men on these sites LIVE to be nasty to the women on them. Why? 

And that's part of the reason I'm more worried about my weight, constantly having to explain that I don't want to gain, why I don't want to gain, and then I did gain a couple pounds and now it's time for everyone to laugh at me for being such a failure and tell they knew I would get fatter and all this shit. I get sometimes they really do think they are just teasing and don't know how I'm going to take it, but it still sucks.

It especially sucked when someone said I still looked fat at 113-114 because that is the thinnest I could possibly get down to again. 105-108 was a very brief moment and a side effect of medication. Last I was 113-114 I got my second breast augmentation, I had been sober for 14 months and of course I thought bigger boobs would make me happy and of course after I got them done they still weren't big enough and I still hated my belly crease and when I went in for my post op appointment I asked about Lipo for my little pouch and he said it wasn't a good idea because there was a high chance it would look too bumpy because I was "thin" well at least the plastic surgeon thought I was thin!  A month or two later I relapsed and went on a death mission bender from hell and almost lost my job. Because I STILL felt fat and  I STILL didn't think my body was good enough. I would love to be that weight again! It sucks that I couldn't appreciate it before, so when someone says that I looked fat then it's like what the fuck do people want from me?! When I look back at how silly I was to not be happy at that weight and then someone reinforces, oh yeah, NO you DEFINITELY weren't good enough then either! It sucks!!!!

If you look at some of these starter belly threads these guy are dragging these girls through the coals because they have the tiniest little bellies, probably like PMS bloat or something!!! Normal men aren't even that judgemental! Why are supposed FAs being so fucking judgemental and nasty?

In conclusion I hate everyone, no, I'm kidding, there is just alot going on in my head right now. The feeling of guilt for having a fetish (because there is no escaping that its just like the people with anorexia fetishes who are evil and going to hell, am I just as bad for having a fat fetish? for making content for other people who do to enjoy? For getting turned on by making the content?)  , feeling of guilt for teasing the weigh in video and feeling dumb for not doing it because it probably would sell. But I just can't, I can't pretend to be proud of gaining weight and my body right now. And that doesn't make me a bad person because you don't think it should be a big deal, I can care about how I look and my weight even though I'm not thin enough that people think it's justified. 

This isn't really about money for me, it's supposed to be fun. Not really working out that way right now but hopefully it becomes fun again.

 

Just know you can’t please everyone. But the one you should definitely please, is yourself!

Stay true to yourself. Don’t do things against your will or beliefs. Why should you consider that any way? For people who are not your cup of tea anyhow? For the money?
I think self-worth and your dignity is far more important than a quick few bucks. Def with you knowing what you did where you weren’t comfortable with and the possible regret afterwards... (or you must have a very good reason why you made the decision to do it anyhow and be in peace with that choice.)
 

Ow and sure people will like and others will dislike you. One will for example prefer blondes and an other brunettes. You know you can’t be both. So step over it and decide for yourself who you want to be.

I know it is easier said than done. But you cant be flippin around all your life trying to meet everyones preferences. Let them know you are you and you do things your way. If you read a comment that is crossing a line or which is not something where you are comfortable with, do react as;  ‘Oh thanks for the advice(or whatever comment the person made), but it is not my thing so don’t get your hopes up.’ 
I’ve seen @Ms MacNCheese replying like that to some comments in her treat that were disturbing for her. No big deal. And don’t discuss the issue further with that person. Or give the blonde and brunette example and it’s done :)

And well if you eventually would come close to what was mentioned, weight wise or hair colour, or anything. It has been your decision and not that of others. So you just do what YOU want to do. 😉💪🏼

On 12/24/2020 at 4:11 PM, NogutNoglory said:

I can't pretend to be proud of gaining weight and my body right now. And that doesn't make me a bad person because you don't think it should be a big deal, I can care about how I look and my weight even though I'm not thin enough that people think it's justified. 

Again, it is about being fine with yourself. If you don’t feel good about it, then you should change it, physically or mentally. 
I never said you are not meant to care about a gain or how you feel. I said that if someone would be completely fine with herself. Only then realises she had gained a couple of pounds when she stands on a scale and the number has changed, ruining her whole self esteem and mood... that to me is twisted. But only if that person was completely fine with herself just before stepping on the scale. For who is not feeling fine, feels like she has become heavier against her own liking,  so who is not comfortable with herself. That is a whole different story! Than yes, you should do something about it if it would make you feel better. And I would fully support that, as I said in my previous post.

8 hours ago, maf said:

Again, it is about being fine with yourself. If you don’t feel good about it, then you should change it, physically or mentally. 
I never said you are not meant to care about a gain or how you feel. I said that if someone would be completely fine with herself. Only then realises she had gained a couple of pounds when she stands on a scale and the number has changed, ruining her whole self esteem and mood... that to me is twisted. But only if that person was completely fine with herself just before stepping on the scale. For who is not feeling fine, feels like she has become heavier against her own liking,  so who is not comfortable with herself. That is a whole different story! Than yes, you should do something about it if it would make you feel better. And I would fully support that, as I said in my previous post.

I’m sorry, I misunderstood what you were saying in your original post! I was confused because it seemed like you were contradicting yourself. That does suck, it really is beaten into women’s heads that their self worth should be tied to their weight, with the body positivity movement and men like you that seem to be more than delighted to be seen with a sexy chubby woman,  I think things are changing. But definitely for me it’s about the look and unfortunately usually a few pounds are very noticeable on me.

I’m hopeful that I’ll be back to my goal soon! I was around the same weight for the past 2 years and I know exactly what I changed and I corrected that so within a month I think I’ll be good!

But in the meantime I’ve been making some little videos for my OF and getting some confidence back and feeling sexy again, which I think is important because being depressed isn’t good for anything especially not weight loss!
 

 

9 hours ago, maf said:

Ow and sure people will like and others will dislike you. One will for example prefer blondes and an other brunettes. You know you can’t be both. So step over it and decide for yourself who you want to be.

Oh! I *ALWAYS* do what I want! I just feel guilty about it afterwards/during the decisions, and get upset that I can’t please everyone!

The way I was raised was very much “if anyone doesn’t like you it’s your fault” - yeah, real healthy!

It’s horrible, I hate it, and I try not to be that way. I don’t have a lot of experience with being criticized by strangers on the internet so it’s weird for me and hard not to take it personally. I had one person troll me on my personal face book- ever. This is a whole new world.

I know logically it’s like make the decision and commit, don’t second guess it, intellectually that is the only thing that actually makes sense, but SUPER hard for me in practice!!!

And I want to do well, if I do something, I want to do as good of a job as I can so it’s frustrating that the BEST way to make more money and get more fans is to intentionally gain weight. *I had no intention of doing that but if there were any doubt in my mind it has been diminished by the way I feel after this gain, *but when you say a “few” bucks, it’s not, it’s a HUGE difference! Plus I want to have fans because I really enjoy modeling and making videos that to me is more of a draw than money could ever be!!! 
 

But no I would NEVER change my body for someone else, anyone else.  Everything I’ve ever done was discouraged by someone, the tattoos, implants, but I REALLY REALLY wanted those things so it was easy to make the decision but I still had to deal with the people who weren’t happy about it (my parents).
 

I also realize and need to remember that to look at the people on this site as a mirror to how attractive I am is a horrible way to assess anything. I do want to look still “ socially acceptably hot” (for a heavily tattooed blue haired girl) while also enjoying my chub.* I realize that part of the appeal of weight gain or fat people in general is the departure from the “socially acceptable” standards.* And the excitement of that.  That’s part of what it is for me as an FA. Do I want to pay that price?  No. Not just for the socially acceptable part but I am obsessed with the hourglass figure I want to like what I see when I look in the mirror!!! I guess it’s just weird being on the the other side. I’m not used to being “the fat one” and it’s fun to put on tight clothes and be naughty but I don’t want to make my life about it. And your blonde and brunette thing is a great analogy🎉(impressed) and I guess the closest that I can get to having both is me at 120-125. Plus I just like the idea of people accepting their natural size, not gaining like it’s a sport.

But it is really weird, I totally get the appeal of some of the things I don’t want to do (funneling, stuffing, forced stuffing) which sucks because it makes me resent that people like it because I’m screwing myself by not doing it. But I like it too! Ugh! It’s weird! I have to stop being so competitive!
 

I just know the apparent site ideal is a real feedee, and while I have feedee or weight gain fantasies I don’t feel ANY need to live them out. I know, I know🤯 but it is possible. PSA- not every girl on this site has the goal to gain 200 lbs!  That’s why I like to write stories and do role play videos. What it comes down to is that I probably should have just played that character all the time and not been honest about who I am, but I couldn’t do that, I hate lying. Plus I feel like my purpose is partially to show a more realistic example of a girl into this stuff. Maybe?   In a real relationship I think it will be very difficult to find a girl that wants to gain all kinds of weight but I think that introducing role play and too tight clothing, a little hand feeding to her might be a workable idea. And since I get to live that dream with my wonderful gorgeous amazing big handsome husband I feel bad for some people that don’t get to indulge in their kink at all. 

I have been busy IRL and have only been a hit and run here during this season. I just read your blog and want to tell you how grateful I am that you have hung in here all along and have written the kind of honest and revealing nuggets that make filtering through thousands of posts all year long totally worth it. You provoke constructive thought and and empathy which has been lacking in these environments since the dollar started wagging the dog.

And yes, you are beautiful, in so many ways, and also vulnerable, and very brave, and in the capacity of a goddess, have certainly used your beauty to inspire others, and that is a great thing.

Thanks for being you!  ❤️

@grateful- Thank you so much💖💖💖

Hi, @NogutNoglory

Good post, powerful points, and some inconvenient truths rightfully underlined!

I will not repeat here what I said in the post where we had the brief exchange (but of course we can discuss more about it if you want).

I will instead focus on two issues:

a. the people who would never date a chubby person they only want to make a thin person fat,

b. feederism is about power and control.

Full disclosure, again: I'm a feeder. Always been one, so I tend to see the issues from this perspective. OK.

a. I believe that those who just want to accomplish some fantasy of theirs tend to treat everything around them as simply means to an end. It doesn't matter what fetish / fantasy that is. Fatten up a woman, hurting / abusing someone (bc “BDSM” they saw on tumblr is “cool, bro!”) - all this define a certain mindset that will express itself in the same way regardless of the fetish / fantasy. Again, what they’re looking for are means to an end, disposable items that can be thrown away post-ejaculation.

b. feederism is about power and control. Correct. A feeder however doesn’t have that power in himself, but it’s given to him. It is gifted to him by the feedee (you know like in those paintings where the guy is knighted by the lady). I might be a feeder, but without her giving me that power this means nothing. Zero. Once she gives me that power over her hunger, the things are taking a very different shape than in the case where the guy is pushing his fetish into her.

Speaking about dating the feedee, I personally had experiences where the feedee doesn’t want to date the feeder.

Example: she’s married to someone else, she wants to be fed, and her husband is not particularly receptive to this. She then starts looking and asking and searching for a way to experience that. The difference from the case above is that she makes the limits of the relationship very clear since the very beginning. Sounds quite dry, is not really like this irl, but just to make the point short and hopefully clear.

What I mean to say by all this is that life offers endless combinations of situations.