How am I?... I'm Fat.
How am I you ask? I'm fat! That's how I am.
That's all I am. That's not just how I am that's all I am. I am so huge right now. Huge. And I'm just getting bigger. It feels like I'm getting bigger by the day! I've outgrown my clothes. My belly is enormous. I am round and bloated like a ball, stretched and stiff. My tits, like the hands and my feet, are swollen and aching from hanging with all of this extra weight. I just feel like a blimp.
A BLIMP.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed most of the time. Except of course when I'm interacting with fat admirers from the fetish community who make me feel special and beautiful for the very reasons I am angry and depressed. Their compliments, like a drug, soften the blow of all the negativity around me. Or for that matter the negativity from within.
What a joke my condition is. I'm aroused by the very thing I despise about myself. And yet since I have no one to share my fetish with I just keep internalizing it. The more stimulated I become without an outlet...the fatter and fatter I become. So here I am, just big and fat and driven mad by my own desires.
I'm an addict who's drug of choice is literally all around me, taunting me day and night. Everything pulling at my desires and then scolding me for having them. While never letting me forget how wrong it is to even have them in the first place.
On one hand the entire world is full of it...food, and people eating, and people getting fat, and people who are already fat. All of it on display and all of it forbidden, shamed, and demonized. On the other hand there's me getting fatter by the moment being made to feel awful because I'm not beautiful or desirable.
"You can't have what you want, it's perverse and just wrong. You are abnormal and should feel shame."
"Don't look like you do, it's ugly and disgusting. You are terrible and should feel shame."
"You can't share this side of yourself with others, it's bizarre and frightening. You are a freak and should feel shame. "
I get these messages loud and clear. I am bad and should feel shame. All because my brain confuses food, body weight, growth, and gluttony with the physical attractiveness of "normal" sexual stimulus. And because I'm fat.
What I don't yet get is how to fix it. Or, for that matter how to live with it.
And in the meantime, how do I feel?
FAT
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